Archives for August 2012

What A Great Kid

What a Great Kid

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!”

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!”

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?”

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”

“Really?” my grandson asked.

“Cross my heart,” the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, “Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch!”

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’

His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’
The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,’Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on the old man

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’

The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides

Technology

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night & asked him if I could borrow a newspaper.

‘This is the 21st century, old man,’ he said. ‘We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.’

That fly never knew what hit it…

The Secret World: A Review

FunCom’s new MMORPG The Secret World is a universe full of magic, deception, and darkness. You play as a member of one of three secret societies – the Illuminati, the Templars, or the Dragon. Regardless of which society you choose, you’re probably still the bad guy, sent all over the world to guard your secrets and fight rival factions. A lot of the time, you won’t even know why you go where you do – you’re not the boss.

But it’s not a different world to the one we live in. Not really. Instead, it’s an underground version of the modern world. Granted, the real world is probably not infested with monsters, but in The Secret World, parts of it are. Those parts have been cut off from the rest of the world, their infections and invasions covered up by governments. You roam these areas, supporting your society and trying to help people along the way.

Because the game is based in reality, The Secret World is low fantasy. There’s a little bit of magic, but most of the weapons are guns, swords and hammers. Buildings and environments are modern, and there are no elves or orcs to be seen. It’s a refreshing change, and something entirely new in the MMO space.

See on www.stuff.co.nz

Channel 9’s Olympic Coverage in One Picture

Am I wrong?

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