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Joe Hockey: I Was Never Popular Anyway

May 19, 2014 by Leave a Comment

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Treasurer Joe Hockey has responded defiantly to opinion poll results showing his Government’s popularity has plummeted. Fronting the press gallery in Canberra, Hockey put his usual case for the recent Budget decisions, but added some further comments.

“For those who’d criticise the decisions we’ve made, I’ll say two things.

First, I’m used to making unpopular decisions – a Treasurer by definition has to make tough decisions, and I’ve been in Treasurer roles since 1975, when I was on Milsons Point Dungeons and Dragons Enthusiasts Committee. There’s nothing you can throw at me now that didn’t happen when I stopped the purchase of the Spelljammer campaign.

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Joe Hockey (centre) gazes at his future: a mob of angry people coming to inflict their justice.

Second, I’m a son of a migrant. I have a tendency to being on the beefy side of the equation and used to wear a boater hat to my private school. Which parts of that equation do you think didn’t lead to the regular de-dakkings at the hand of the local yobs?”

When questioned by the media on what his childhood experiences had to do with the huge outcry against a range of the Budget measures, Hockey became even more animated.

“I made a pact back then, that I’d stand up for those who suffered for being different. This Budget does just that. It supports the minority of people who don’t think Two and a Half Men is quality TV, or those who try to get to the Opera and worry whether they’ll cop a rolling of the eyes from the busker at the bottom of the Opera House steps. I’m standing up for the hard working bloke who looks forward at the end of the week to a quiet video hook-up with their MBA buddies from University to compare careers and discuss mergers and acquisitions. Or the successful female executive who wastes an hour a day in airports pushing past hordes of bogans migrating to the next capital city’s discount warehouse precinct.

These people are the true underclass in our country and I’m proud to be addressing their long-standing grievances. I’ve been inundated from these people with messages of thanks for finally standing up for them, and if the odd person who takes pleasure in giving wedgies to kids in boaters happens to be on Newstart Allowance, then so be it.”

When pressed about whether he still played Dungeons and Dragons, Hockey admitted to still trotting out his Human Wizard for a game with Stephen Conroy during parliamentary sitting weeks.

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Filed Under: Politics, The Snark Tagged With: , , ,

Anti-Abbott Protest Organisers In A Creative Rut

May 18, 2014 by Leave a Comment

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With the Abbott Government’s policies being as popular as a school diarrhoea milkshake program, there’s been numerous local and nationally coordinated protests. At the national level there was the highly successful March in March, and then the just completed March in May. As popular as these have been, the teamwork shown in the organisation of these events has started to fray around the edges, as disagreements over the branding of the marches comes to the fore.

One member of the organising committee claims three meetings have occurred this week, all running into the early hours of the morning.

The tide of dissent grows but unfortunately remains vuvuzela free

The tide of dissent grows but unfortunately remains vuvuzela free

“It’s been insane,” the architecture student and activist said. “March in March made sense and was catchy as well, but March in May has no zing at all. Some really good suggestions have been shot down by the majority, who seem determined to make the organisation as beige as everything else in this country. There’s serious talk of the next one being March in July. I’ve seen better marketing strategies for asbestos.”

When pressed on suggestions that had been vetoed, our source provided a small list of her faction’s picks for each month:

  • Go Ape in April
  • Mass Misbehaviour in May
  • Jettison The Government In June
  • Jarring Juxtaposition of Joe’s Juvenile Jurisdiction in July
  • Arse Abbott’s Austerity  in August
  • Shutdown in September
  • Oppose and Object in October
  • Neuter Nonsensical Nihilistic and Narcissistic Non-Equality in November
  • Determined Drumming and Devastating Defence of Democracy in December

When contacted for comment, the official spokesperson for the loose coalition of activists, academics and recently unemployed ALP staffers that organise the marches, released a short statement.

“We have repeatedly told John Singleton, Clive Palmer and Karl Stefanovic that we don’t have the money to pay for their ridiculous branding suggestions, and even if we did we’d probably spend it on something more worthwhile. A shipping container of vuvuzelas would be a good start.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

[Pic via @Jsalmonupstream]

Filed Under: Politics, The Snark Tagged With: , , ,

Climate Change Catastrophe: Survivor Under Threat

May 17, 2014 by Leave a Comment

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The charged political debate over global warming and climate change has caused its own set of political casualties, with huge work remaining to build a worldwide consensus on tackling the issue. In the meantime, the general public appear to already be suffering the consequences. One stark example is Survivor, the never-ending series of reality TV shows. Still rating well, thanks to a dedicated fan base of North Americans who assume each series is actually filmed in Florida, the show is facing one of the biggest challenges in its fourteen year history.

Series presenter Jeff Probst, fresh from condemning eighteen more people to a lifetime of C or D grade celebrity on Survivor: Cagayan , looked drawn and was quite emotional when interviewed.

“Most people don’t realise that Survivor is one of the most popular shows in TV history, and in these difficult times it’s a beacon of hope to the peoples of the world,” Probst said in his understated style.

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Jeff Probst – international diplomat and environmental science advocate

“With the rising sea levels, we have a crisis on our hands. The public have just watched season 28 of the show, but we’re already in production for season 42, and we’ve hit a huge road block. We’re running out of locations to shoot the show from, and with rising sea levels we’re not sure we’ll be able to continue beyond season 50, which we’ll be shooting in 2017.”

When quizzed on remaining locations the producers have scouted, Probst was more coy. “I don’t want to give too much away, but I can confirm we’re considering Survivor: Fyshwick and Survivor: Slough, but our focus group testing isn’t coming back that positive.”

Probst and the show’s producers have written to the United Nations and each of the G20 nations outlining the crisis and Probst is spearheading the efforts. “I’ve met more heads of state in the past six months than Bono has in his lifetime. With all modesty I can say each and every one of them love the show and agree the issue has opened their eyes to the wide ranging impacts of climate change. By the way, they all said that Bono was the most boring person they’d ever met.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

 

Filed Under: The Snark, TV Tagged With: ,

Bear Hunting

May 17, 2014 by Leave a Comment

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said “That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex”. After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

A few months later he headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said “That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have ‘rough sex'”. Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said “Admit it Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Sex

Double J: “It’s Not How I Remember It”

May 16, 2014 by Leave a Comment

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The launch last month of Double J Radio, a digital radio station taking Gen X’ers back to their youth, has caused some non-teenage angst for listeners.

“Back in the day, the music sounded better, had more emotion in it. Now it’s like they’re playing a cassette taped off a record,” one listener complained on  sister station Triple J’s Facebook Page.

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‘They’ve stripped the vitality from Joy Division’

Cathy Jeffery, former teenager and current Sales Manager, has followed the station’s progress the past month and is far from impressed. “I remember engaging in some serious tongue work with a boy at school, behind the CWA hall. We were meant to be inside at the disco and I remember Whitney Houston’s How Will I Know was playing. It still gives me a thrill when I hear it, but it’s not been played once on Double J that I’m aware of.”

“I’ve found the whole re-launch distressing,” said Mitchell Arcos, a financial planner from Brisbane. “I used to hang out at school in a large overcoat, listening to nothing but The Smiths and Joy Division on my Walkman. Now I listen to those songs on Double J and end up going back to Song Pop on my phone to stay interested. They seem to have stripped the songs of their vitality. I’m pretty sure it’s the digital format.”

The station’s responsiveness to listener feedback is getting mixed reviews as well. James Verginodis, an office supplies strategist, claims he’s sent dozens of emails and a 50-signature petition for Double J to play more Machinations and Lloyd Cole, with not a single response to his campaign. “They seem to be a law unto themselves, determining what music we get to listen to. That’s not how radio should work.”

Other issues noted on social media included pleas for a return of Molly Meldrum to the station, multiple requests for a monthly Double J cassingle and demands for a Double J sponsored Australian tour for ‘Til Tuesday.

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

 

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School Chaplain Angry At Media Stereotypes

May 16, 2014 by 2 Comments

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With the Abbott Government announcing a substantial increase in funding for the National School Chaplaincy Programme, there’s at least one chaplain not happy with the news.

Graham Stafford, a part-time chaplain at a public school in Central Queensland, is fuming at the portrayal of his profession in the mainstream media.

“Some in the media seem to think we’re evangelical obsessives, determined to ram the Bible’s teachings down the throat of every child in the school. It’s an unfair stereotype that doesn’t take into account the other half of our job.”

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School Chaplain Graham Stewart

Mr Stewart, an experienced youth pastor and Australian convenor of the Amy Grant Fan Congregation, provided a list of other tasks undertaken in his role.

“No-one sees the behind the scenes work we do. Exorcisms, high dusting and Jehovah Witness-proofing are just three examples,” Mr Stewart said.

School Principal Janet McGorrie has also added her support. “Graham is an invaluable resource to this school and I can vouch for the increased education outcomes the school has delivered since his employment. One of Graham’s key roles is to go down to the staff room five minutes before the end of lunch. Without fail that staff room is cleared out within thirty seconds, with all staff in their classrooms ready to teach when the bell goes.”

P&C President Jim Staff is less convinced. “Graham’s a lovely bloke and his heart’s in the right place, but I think the twenty plus thousand dollars spent on him could be used for other things within the school. We’ve set a 2014 goal of raising fifty thousand dollars for a range of better facilities. Non-shitty gifts for the mothers and fathers day stalls, a copy of The Adventures of Mr Pink Whistle for every child and an underground car park for the Principal are our priorities. Being able to put the chaplaincy money towards that would be a huge help.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

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Government Slams Public Service Perception Of Entitlement

May 16, 2014 by Leave a Comment
canberra-flyout

The exodus begins for Canberra’s public servants

Finance Minister Mathias Cormann has hit back at criticisms that his government have not factored in the redundancy costs for the increased number of public servants now facing the axe after this week’s Budget.

“The Age of Entitlement is over, as has been made very clear this week,” Cormann emphasised.

“Remember, these people are public servants. There has been way too much emphasis on the public side of the equation and too little attention to the servant side. That will be changing and we know the Australian people will understand these are decisions that have had to be taken.”

When asked about the basic rights any employee enjoys, Cormann was unrepentant. “These people have essentially been on a holiday since Kevin Rudd got his claws out of them. They should consider the last 9 months as entitlements in lieu and leave it at that.”

Under repeated questioning from those assembled, Cormann was visibly strained and ended the press conference promptly when it became apparent no-one was going to ask a question that gave him the option of replying ‘I’ll be back”.

[Picture source]

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

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The Lion and the Mother-In-Law

May 12, 2014 by Leave a Comment

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter’s wife awakened to find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.

The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.

“What are we going to do?” his horrified wife asked.

“Nothing,” her husband replied, “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor, The Gender Wars

Wrong Email Address

May 10, 2014 by Leave a Comment

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.
He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008
I know you’re surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Very hot down here!

Filed Under: Black Humour / Death, Email Joke Graveyard, Geographic

Rye Bread

May 9, 2014 by Leave a Comment

Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one
morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t
even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the older guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”

She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”

He said, “I want five loaves.”

She said, “My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd
loaf, it’ll be hard.”

He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this stuff but me.”

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard, Sex

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