Archives for July 2014

A Lesson For Life

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
“Hey old man, have you ever danced?”

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance … never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said, “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No sir … but… I’ve always wanted to.”
There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.

Don’t waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don’t mess with old folks, they didn’t get old by being stupid.

The Real Laws of Nature

…Here are the REAL LAWS

1.Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity:
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Supermarket Law:
As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces:
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance:
If the clothes fit, they’re ugly..

17.Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors’ Law:
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better… But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.

Outcry At Non-Cheapening of Goods Post Carbon Tax


In the eighteen or so hours since the Abbott Government pulled off a world first in reversing a climate change measure, an outcry has already occurred from a range of sectors, angry at prices remaining standard.

Bill Snelson, a retired taxi driver from Coburg is indignant his support for the changes aren’t being recognised.

“After seeing the carbon tax go down yesterday, I ran my microwave all night boiling bowls of water in celebration. But on ringing my electricity company this morning, they refused to commit to direct depositing the 50 cents I saved yesterday.”

Madeleine Crawford, an apiarist and caravanning enthusiast, was equally outraged.

“I went out to buy a third plasma TV this morning, now that electricity prices are going to fall. I tried to haggle an extra 10% discount out of them because of their reduced costs, but they wouldn’t be in it. All they offered me was a DVD of The Block Season 2, so I walked out. It’s disgusting how business won’t back the Government with their great work in helping honest working Australians.”

The anger is not universal however. Noel Stravinsky, a futures trader, is upbeat.

“I made the decision a few months back that solar energy companies, beachfront real estate and anything south of Cairns would take a big dive in value once the carbon tax was axed, so I got out of those investments in a big way. I put everything into firefighting equipment manufacturers, border defence weapons suppliers and any company contracted by the Department of Immigration. I’ve tripled my returns and it’s looking like getting even better than that.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Funny and Strange Motor Insurance Claims

-“I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car”.


-“The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth”.


-“Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early”.


-“I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof”.


-“The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind”.


-“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought”.


“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket”.


-The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were – Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.


-“I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard”.


-“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke”.


-“I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control”.


-“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”


-“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk”.


-“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car”.


-“Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo”.


-“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”


-“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment”.


-“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention”.


-“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way”.


-“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”.


-“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”.


-“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole”.


-“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car”.


-“I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident”.


-“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished”.


-“I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows”.


-“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have”.


-“I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it”.


-“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him”.


-“I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident”.


-“As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before”.


-“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian”.


-“My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle”.


-“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull”.


-“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him”.


-“The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him”.


-“The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end”.


-“The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. ”


-“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way”.


-“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before”.


-“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car”.


-“The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal”.


-“No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert”.


-“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries”.


-“The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him”.


-“I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact”.


-“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle”.


-“My car got hit by a submarine”. The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.


-“I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings”.


-“The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week”.


-“I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before”.


-“A house hit my car”. A house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend’s car. He eventually had the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming the story.


-“The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him”.


-“I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact”.


-“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”.


-“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention”.


-“My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle”.


-“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car”.


-“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before”.


-“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries”.


-“I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realised there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket”.


Assorted giggles

The young man came running into the store and said to his mate “Johnno, somebody just stole your ute from the parking lot!”


Johnno replied “Did ya see who it was?”


The young man answered “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number”.



Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.


“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.


“It’s hereditary, sir” the older one replied.


“I see” said the doctor, writing in his file.


“Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?”


“No sir, our mother”.


“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have penises!”


“I know, sir” replied the recruit “But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could!”




A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells “No! No! Don’t enter that church, you damn fool!”


His wife asks him “What are you watching?”


Husband replies “Our wedding video”.

How To Block YouTube on iPad and iPhone

Here’s a little tip for those parents who have enabled restrictions on their kids’ devices, but still find that YouTube is accessible.  I’m assuming you’ve already set up restrictions (under Settings > General > Restrictions).

The next step is to tap on ‘Add a Website’ under ‘Never Allow’. The trick here is to enter both the normal YouTube URL ( and the mobile site URL (, as most times your iPad or iPhone will access the mobile site.
Here’s a pic of the setting correctly entered:


The same of course applied to other sites that have a mobile version. To determine the URL for a mobile version, just tap once in the URL bar of Safari once the site has loaded, and you’ll be able to see the full URL.

Hope that helps you a little.



From The Vault: A 2005 Interview With Brian Canham

dj.rflmldgr.170x170-75Back in 2005 I had the opportunity to interview Brian Canham on everything music technology. It was meant for Australian Macworld magazine, but I’d obviously not communicated that clearly, as Brian wasn’t a Mac user at the time. The interview was unable to be used, and has sat in my email inbox the past nine years.

Psuedo Echo launched a new album in April called Ultraviolet (get it here) but I only discovered the fact this week. It reminded me of the shelved interview. So here it is in full. Enjoy!

DH: You’ve been heavily involved in music composition and production for nigh on 25 years now. What’s changed in your approach to creating music over that time?

Brian: I guess these days I am a lot more analytical … and having the benefit of hindsight I like to have a “vehicle” in mind first. The home computer & music software have been the biggest changes in creation for me. Now being able to be completely self sufficient means I can produce a finished product without the limitations of a budget. Time permitting of course….

DH: A lot of readers will primarily know you as the front-man of Pseudo Echo. All your albums relied heavily on technology, none more so than “Love and Adventure”. Can you describe what technology you had at your disposal when making that album?

Brian: Love An Adventure was demoed quite modestly on a cheap (even for the time) analogue 4 track recorder (Akai..?), though we had some nice keyboards e.g. Roland JP8, Yamaha DX7 & RX Drum machine, Korg Poly61. But once actually in the studio (Platinum – aka Sing Sing 3, Melb.), there was no expense spared. We recorded & mixed on an SSL 56 channel console, with up to 3 24 channel Studers synced together.

Additional keyboards used were: PPG Wave terminal, Fairlight, Roland MKS-80 & JX3P, Sequential Circuits Prophet 5 & Pro 1. Oberheim OB8, as well as an Oberheim DMX, Roland 808 drum machines, and the famous Simmons electronic drum kit.

Outboard gear (FX) we made heavy use of the prestigeous AMS rack units, dominantly the delay which could be used as a sampler (since this was just pre-sampler keyboards). Also units like the legendary Lexicon reverb, as well as banks of Roland, Yamaha & Korg digital delays, verbs and choruses.

Guitars were fairly conventional, as were traditional string sections (MSO), and brass.

DH: Stepping forward a decade, you were pivotal in the success of Aussie rock group Chocolate Starfish. How did your approach change when producing the two albums for them?

Brian: Basically substituted all of my keyboard production ideas for guitars! Ironically, I recorded both Starfish albums at the old 301 Studios on an old valve Neve console – the very same one that we recorded Pseudo Echo’s debut album on!

The preproduction wasn’t as seperated from the actual recording stage with Starfish, and I worked through all of the parts, sounds, and vocals with all of the guys in the band, whereas with Pseudo it was basically two of us writing, pre-producing, programing etc. Then virtually just pushing the “go” button once in the studio.

DH: Your latest project Origene, is a different ballgame again for you musically. How did it come together and what would you like it to achieve?

Brian: It’s weird because Origene almost feels like Pseudo Echo again, except without me having to be in the limelight – 2 of us in the studio together, writing , programming, recording etc. Though one main difference these days with Origrene is that the writing , recording, mixing etc becomes one big blurred process, as opposed to distinctive processes.

We pretty much are mixing all the way, from the first drum groove we lay down, so we sometimes spend as much as a month or so mixing a track compared to the old school way of mixing a song a day ( or two days if you’re lucky ).

Musically I play keyboards with Origene, though Ben Grayson will play all the tricky technical stuff since he IS actually a wiz bang player!

We are currently on the verge of signing a new record deal directly for the US, Europe, and possibly Japan, so I’d like to see our dream come to reality and do a complete album of pure indulgence, not just stomping club tunes.

I’d really love to pick up where we left of last year with OS touring too. Hopefully this year we’ll get to tour the NY club scene as was planned.

DH: When did computers first become a creative tool for you, and do you remember what model it was?

Brian: Well I bought my fisrt computer solely for music early in the 90s. It was an Atari 1040ST

DH: What software do you use currently use to create music, and why have you chosen it?

Brian: I use Steinberg’s Cubase SX, since I started off using the original Cubase (version 2 ) over ten years ago when it was just a high end midi sequencer.

I was introduced to it by a musician friend (Chong Lim), who showed me how intuitive it was to use and basically sold me on it. I’ve never looked back. I have grown with the program over a decade and now use it to write, program sounds, record, and mix, from start to finish with final release quality.

DH: What are your thoughts on digital music downloads, including operations like the iTunes Music Store?

Brian: Something has got to give. I mean, I’m all for technology advancements but hopefully there will someday be a happy medium, where consumer and artist are both happy, though the BIG corporates may not be so..

DH: What do you hope to achieve musically in the next five years?

Brian: Would ultimately like to score a film, with mixed modern/traditional approach. Develop my own record label, and make my mark in A&R development, finding “real” artists, and music.

Golf Club Murder

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks “Sir, is that your wife?”


“Did you hit her with that golf club?”

“Yes. Yes, I did” the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

“How many times did you hit her?”

“I don’t know. Five… six… put me down for a five”.

Scott Morrison Announces Harsh Anti-Boat Laws


Today the Minister for Immigration and Border Protection, Scott Morrison, announced wide-ranging legislation designed to further prevent asylum seekers attempting to access Australia by sea.

Families being forced to hunt pond ducks due to goods not becoming cheaper

Families being forced to hunt pond ducks due to goods not becoming cheaper

“Today I announce that we will be introducing legislation to ban the use of boats in any jurisdiction involving water or the intent to create water for use as a boat enabling substance,” Morrison stated.

“What we have seen over the past six months is a significant reduction in illegal maritime arrivals, but there remains undeniable evidence that boats are a key link in the chain that we’re determined to remove”

The accompanying glossy policy document, whose cover features members of the Sutherland Shire group ‘Kids for Border Security in the Shire’, covers off the specifics of the proposed policy. These include a canoe buyback scheme and increased training subsidies for the commercial fishing industry in the use of drones for fishing.

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Dinner Party

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom – smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, “Why don’t you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

“No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous.”

“Well, I see squirrels eating them and they’re OK.”

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog.

The wild mushrooms hadn’t affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, “Mum, Spot is dead.”

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I’ll call for an ambulance and I’ll be there as quickly as I can.

We’ll give everyone enemas and we’ll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.

The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,

“Everything will be okay now,” and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum……….

“I can’t believe that guy!”

“What guy?”

“You know, that one who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down.”

Previous Posts