Archives for July 2014

A Lesson For Life

July 30, 2014 by Editor Leave a Comment

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
“Hey old man, have you ever danced?”

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance … never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said, “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No sir … but… I’ve always wanted to.”
There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.

Don’t waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don’t mess with old folks, they didn’t get old by being stupid.

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard

The Real Laws of Nature

July 28, 2014 by Editor Leave a Comment

…Here are the REAL LAWS

1.Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity:
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Supermarket Law:
As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces:
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance:
If the clothes fit, they’re ugly..

17.Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors’ Law:
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better… But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Outcry At Non-Cheapening of Goods Post Carbon Tax

July 18, 2014 by The Head Snark Leave a Comment

In the eighteen or so hours since the Abbott Government pulled off a world first in reversing a climate change measure, an outcry has already occurred from a range of sectors, angry at prices remaining standard.

Bill Snelson, a retired taxi driver from Coburg is indignant his support for the changes aren’t being recognised.

“After seeing the carbon tax go down yesterday, I ran my microwave all night boiling bowls of water in celebration. But on ringing my electricity company this morning, they refused to commit to direct depositing the 50 cents I saved yesterday.”

Madeleine Crawford, an apiarist and caravanning enthusiast, was equally outraged.

“I went out to buy a third plasma TV this morning, now that electricity prices are going to fall. I tried to haggle an extra 10% discount out of them because of their reduced costs, but they wouldn’t be in it. All they offered me was a DVD of The Block Season 2, so I walked out. It’s disgusting how business won’t back the Government with their great work in helping honest working Australians.”

The anger is not universal however. Noel Stravinsky, a futures trader, is upbeat.

“I made the decision a few months back that solar energy companies, beachfront real estate and anything south of Cairns would take a big dive in value once the carbon tax was axed, so I got out of those investments in a big way. I put everything into firefighting equipment manufacturers, border defence weapons suppliers and any company contracted by the Department of Immigration. I’ve tripled my returns and it’s looking like getting even better than that.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Filed Under: Politics, The Snark

Funny and Strange Motor Insurance Claims

July 16, 2014 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

-“I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car”.

-“The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth”.

-“Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early”.

-“I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof”.

-“The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind”.

-“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought”.

“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket”.

-The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were – Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

-“I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard”.

-“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke”.

-“I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control”.

-“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”

-“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk”.

-“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car”.

-“Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo”.

-“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”

-“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment”.

-“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention”.

-“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way”.

-“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”.

-“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”.

-“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole”.

-“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car”.

-“I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident”.

-“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished”.

-“I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows”.

-“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have”.

-“I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it”.

-“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him”.

-“I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident”.

-“As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before”.

-“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian”.

-“My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle”.

-“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull”.

-“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him”.

-“The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him”.

-“The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end”.

-“The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. ”

-“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way”.

-“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before”.

-“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car”.

-“The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal”.

-“No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert”.

-“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries”.

-“The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him”.

-“I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact”.

-“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle”.

-“My car got hit by a submarine”. The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.

-“I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings”.

-“The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week”.

-“I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before”.

-“A house hit my car”. A house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend’s car. He eventually had the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming the story.