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Tony Abbott Upbeat About Knighthoods, Adds Some More

January 26, 2015 by Leave a Comment

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Prime Minister Tony Abbott has surprised observers with his plans for further knighthoods later in 2015.

“I knew that Prince Phillip and his son Angus Houston would both be popular as the latest Knights in the Order of Australia, but even I was taken aback by the positive response,” Mr Abbott enthused.

“So after some compulsory consultation with my Chief of Staff, I’m pleased to announce there’ll be at least another five Knights or Dames before this year is out.”

According to the information provided by the PM’s office, the proposed new recipients of the recently reinstated gongs cover a range of states, professions and ages:

1. Jack Sorenson, retired taxi driver from Mildura VIC: for services to Boat Stopping and miscellaneous casual racism.

2. Janet Devondale, community stalwart from Vaucluse NSW: for regular conversations with friends that reinforce racial stereotypes.

Tarquin Rocheford - potential Knight of Australia

Tarquin Rocheford – potential Knight of Australia

3. Tarquin Rocheford, Senior Financial Analyst from Medindie SA: for ingrained amusement at the lack of ambition of retail workers – or anyone without a Masters degree.

4. Lola Graham, Small Business Manager from Bulimba QLD: for regular trips to Bali without any absorption of Balinese culture or rudimentary understanding of the Indonesian archipelago.

5. Ian Rappaport, volunteer letter-writer from Applecross WA: for dedicated support in spite of significant geographic isolation, of independent media opinion as exemplified by Andrew Bolt, Janet Albrechtsen and Alan Jones.

Mr Abbott also was at pains to emphasise the consultative nature of the appointments. “There will always be cynics saying these knighthoods and dameships are just rewards for old friends and supporters. The five people we’ve mentioned today have put that idea to rest. I only consider two of these people friends and only three are members of the LNP. This is a process correctly above politics, just like ABC board and High Court appointments.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Filed Under: Politics, The Snark Tagged With:

Perks of reaching 50

January 22, 2015 by Leave a Comment

At the root of every grey hair, there is a dead brain cell.

Someone had to remind me,
So I’m reminding you, too.
Don’t laugh…. It is all true!

Perks of reaching 50
Or being over 60
And heading towards
70 or beyond!

1.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3.
No one expects you to run — anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
‘Did I wake you?’

5.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7.
Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8.
You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9..
You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13.
You sing along with elevator music.

14.
Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

19.
You can’t remember who sent you this list.

Forward this to everyone you can remember
Right now!

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

Never, NEVER, NEVER ,
Under any circumstances,
Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!

“Good friends are like stars…You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there.

Just thinking about you!!

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard

The Doberman and the Panther

January 10, 2015 by Leave a Comment

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost.

Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.

So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says …….

“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

Moral of this story…

Don’t mess with the old dogs…

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Edna’s Letter To God

January 7, 2015 by Leave a Comment

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope…
Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna.

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard

Conclusion Jumping

January 2, 2015 by Leave a Comment

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

“I love you!” she said, and then she got all excited, she quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever….

Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Sex

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