Man Derides The Force Awakens For Its Logic Gaps

MCQ-cloudcityStar Wars: The Force Awakens may have been hyped more than Y2K, Coke and One Direction combined, but not all viewers of the recently released film have bought the excitement.

Aaron Gorinsen of New Lambton exited a midnight screening of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, unhappy with the experience overall. A Star Wars fan of over 35 years standing, he had some criticisms to make.

“This film is just an Episode 6 re-hash, which was a re-hash of Episode 4. How many damn times can you run the same storyline of ‘Shit there’s a big planet looking thing that blows up shit, we better find a weakness and destroy it. We had also better hunt down all the people who design the Death Star suite of products and blow them up as well so the next version produced has a weakness that can be exploited. Even better, to destroy the new version we will still need to fly an X-Wing through endless internal tunnels, that if removed would have halved the cost and size of the damn project in the first place'”.

Without being asked, Gorinsen went on to outline what he perceives as other unforgivable logic gaps.

“Rey spends hours sneaking around Death Star 3 without being detected. I hope she was thanking the Ewok gods that in their universe CCTV was never discovered. I’m assuming the research money was spent on hyperdrives and 3D chess sets instead. Then there’s the reality that 1970s fighter jets had better heat seeking missiles than anything I’ve ever seen in a Star Wars movie. And don’t even start me on how the Millennium Falcon sat for years in a scrap yard, started up first go for the first person who jumped in it and appears to never need to be refuelled. Either that refueling stop at Bespin was a doozy or the Millennium Falcon runs on Wookiee methane or film reviewer hyperbole.”

When asked what alternative plot devices he would have used, Gorinsen was to the point. “Time travel can solve any logic gap. Who doesn’t want to see a film where Jar Jar Binks, Wicket and Lumpy travel in time together to conceive Jabba The Hut in a sauna in some cantina? I’m paying for that and I’m not alone.”

When asked for his thoughts on the upcoming Episode 8, Gorinsen retained some hopefulness. “I hear Hayden Christensen is returning to the franchise. His depth as an actor, combined with a little more focus on long romance scenes, might just save what could end up a very mediocre trilogy otherwise.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

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