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Climate Change Catastrophe: Survivor Under Threat

May 17, 2014 by Leave a Comment

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The charged political debate over global warming and climate change has caused its own set of political casualties, with huge work remaining to build a worldwide consensus on tackling the issue. In the meantime, the general public appear to already be suffering the consequences. One stark example is Survivor, the never-ending series of reality TV shows. Still rating well, thanks to a dedicated fan base of North Americans who assume each series is actually filmed in Florida, the show is facing one of the biggest challenges in its fourteen year history.

Series presenter Jeff Probst, fresh from condemning eighteen more people to a lifetime of C or D grade celebrity on Survivor: Cagayan , looked drawn and was quite emotional when interviewed.

“Most people don’t realise that Survivor is one of the most popular shows in TV history, and in these difficult times it’s a beacon of hope to the peoples of the world,” Probst said in his understated style.

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Jeff Probst – international diplomat and environmental science advocate

“With the rising sea levels, we have a crisis on our hands. The public have just watched season 28 of the show, but we’re already in production for season 42, and we’ve hit a huge road block. We’re running out of locations to shoot the show from, and with rising sea levels we’re not sure we’ll be able to continue beyond season 50, which we’ll be shooting in 2017.”

When quizzed on remaining locations the producers have scouted, Probst was more coy. “I don’t want to give too much away, but I can confirm we’re considering Survivor: Fyshwick and Survivor: Slough, but our focus group testing isn’t coming back that positive.”

Probst and the show’s producers have written to the United Nations and each of the G20 nations outlining the crisis and Probst is spearheading the efforts. “I’ve met more heads of state in the past six months than Bono has in his lifetime. With all modesty I can say each and every one of them love the show and agree the issue has opened their eyes to the wide ranging impacts of climate change. By the way, they all said that Bono was the most boring person they’d ever met.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

 

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Double J: “It’s Not How I Remember It”

May 16, 2014 by Leave a Comment

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The launch last month of Double J Radio, a digital radio station taking Gen X’ers back to their youth, has caused some non-teenage angst for listeners.

“Back in the day, the music sounded better, had more emotion in it. Now it’s like they’re playing a cassette taped off a record,” one listener complained on  sister station Triple J’s Facebook Page.

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‘They’ve stripped the vitality from Joy Division’

Cathy Jeffery, former teenager and current Sales Manager, has followed the station’s progress the past month and is far from impressed. “I remember engaging in some serious tongue work with a boy at school, behind the CWA hall. We were meant to be inside at the disco and I remember Whitney Houston’s How Will I Know was playing. It still gives me a thrill when I hear it, but it’s not been played once on Double J that I’m aware of.”

“I’ve found the whole re-launch distressing,” said Mitchell Arcos, a financial planner from Brisbane. “I used to hang out at school in a large overcoat, listening to nothing but The Smiths and Joy Division on my Walkman. Now I listen to those songs on Double J and end up going back to Song Pop on my phone to stay interested. They seem to have stripped the songs of their vitality. I’m pretty sure it’s the digital format.”

The station’s responsiveness to listener feedback is getting mixed reviews as well. James Verginodis, an office supplies strategist, claims he’s sent dozens of emails and a 50-signature petition for Double J to play more Machinations and Lloyd Cole, with not a single response to his campaign. “They seem to be a law unto themselves, determining what music we get to listen to. That’s not how radio should work.”

Other issues noted on social media included pleas for a return of Molly Meldrum to the station, multiple requests for a monthly Double J cassingle and demands for a Double J sponsored Australian tour for ‘Til Tuesday.

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

 

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School Chaplain Angry At Media Stereotypes

May 16, 2014 by 2 Comments

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With the Abbott Government announcing a substantial increase in funding for the National School Chaplaincy Programme, there’s at least one chaplain not happy with the news.

Graham Stafford, a part-time chaplain at a public school in Central Queensland, is fuming at the portrayal of his profession in the mainstream media.

“Some in the media seem to think we’re evangelical obsessives, determined to ram the Bible’s teachings down the throat of every child in the school. It’s an unfair stereotype that doesn’t take into account the other half of our job.”

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School Chaplain Graham Stewart

Mr Stewart, an experienced youth pastor and Australian convenor of the Amy Grant Fan Congregation, provided a list of other tasks undertaken in his role.

“No-one sees the behind the scenes work we do. Exorcisms, high dusting and Jehovah Witness-proofing are just three examples,” Mr Stewart said.

School Principal Janet McGorrie has also added her support. “Graham is an invaluable resource to this school and I can vouch for the increased education outcomes the school has delivered since his employment. One of Graham’s key roles is to go down to the staff room five minutes before the end of lunch. Without fail that staff room is cleared out within thirty seconds, with all staff in their classrooms ready to teach when the bell goes.”

P&C President Jim Staff is less convinced. “Graham’s a lovely bloke and his heart’s in the right place, but I think the twenty plus thousand dollars spent on him could be used for other things within the school. We’ve set a 2014 goal of raising fifty thousand dollars for a range of better facilities. Non-shitty gifts for the mothers and fathers day stalls, a copy of The Adventures of Mr Pink Whistle for every child and an underground car park for the Principal are our priorities. Being able to put the chaplaincy money towards that would be a huge help.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

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Government Slams Public Service Perception Of Entitlement

May 16, 2014 by Leave a Comment
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The exodus begins for Canberra’s public servants

Finance Minister Mathias Cormann has hit back at criticisms that his government have not factored in the redundancy costs for the increased number of public servants now facing the axe after this week’s Budget.

“The Age of Entitlement is over, as has been made very clear this week,” Cormann emphasised.

“Remember, these people are public servants. There has been way too much emphasis on the public side of the equation and too little attention to the servant side. That will be changing and we know the Australian people will understand these are decisions that have had to be taken.”

When asked about the basic rights any employee enjoys, Cormann was unrepentant. “These people have essentially been on a holiday since Kevin Rudd got his claws out of them. They should consider the last 9 months as entitlements in lieu and leave it at that.”

Under repeated questioning from those assembled, Cormann was visibly strained and ended the press conference promptly when it became apparent no-one was going to ask a question that gave him the option of replying ‘I’ll be back”.

[Picture source]

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

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