Old Shaver

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied:”Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does”.

Old Man Syndrome

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.” So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

The old man said, “I thought it was gas – but I was wrong, too!”

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics – no go.

Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.

Thumbs Down

Then came Minds and Behinds – still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes – unacceptable again!

So they tried Nuts and Butts – no way. Freaks and Cheeks – still no good. Loons and Moons – forget it . Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones – Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it.

Premature Ejaculation Problems

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.

The doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.

That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, “Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air

Restaurant Cover-Up

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands “Stop That!”

The waiter looks at her dryly and says “Sure lady, which way was it headed?”

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’

His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’
The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,’Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on the old man

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’

The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides

What’s fastest?

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.

The interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied ‘A thought. It pops into your head, there’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.

‘That’s very good’ replied the interviewer. ‘And now you, sir,’ he asked the second man.

‘Hmmm, let me see….. A blink!,’ said the second man. ‘It comes and goes and you don’t know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.’

‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer. ‘The blink of an eye’ That’s a very popular cliché for speed.’ He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

‘Well, out on my dad’s property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant.
Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.’

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light’, he said.

Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question.
‘After hearing the three previous answers, it’s obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhoea, said the Aussie.

‘What!’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response?

‘Oh, I can explain’, said the Aussie, ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could, think, blink, or turn on the light, I shlt my pants.’

Farting in church

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she
leans over and says, ‘I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should
do?”

He replies ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

Jet fuel

Dave and Wally were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Los Angeles.

 One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

 Dave said, ‘Man, I wish we had something to drink!’

Wally says, ‘Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?’

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

 The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

 In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

 Nothing!

 Then the phone rings. It’s Wally.

 Wally says, ‘Hey, how do you feel this morning?’

 Dave says, ‘I feel great, how about you?’

 Wally says, ‘I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?’

 Dave says, ‘No that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.’

 Yeah, well there’s just one thing.’ ‘What’s that?’

 ‘Have you farted yet?’

 ‘No.’

‘Well, don’t, cause I’m in New York.’

The most FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it’s shit … that’s right, shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit

And tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can’t tell the difference

Between shit and shinola (not quite sure what that is).

There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit

And some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so, if you don’t give a shit!

Well, Shit, it’s time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.

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