Blue Velvet Joke

One day, 7-year-old Little Johnny is on the playground, when he overhears two older boys talking about “Blue Velvet”. Being an inquisitive sort, Little Johnny walks up to them and asks them “What’s Blue Velvet?”
They proceed to kick his ass.

The recess teacher sees Little Johnny bruised, bloody, and crying. She asks him “What happened, Little Johnny?” to which he replies “Those older boys beat me up, just because I asked them what Blue Velvet is”. “As well they should have!” she states. “Get your ass to the Principal’s office, right now!”

Confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny goes to the Principal’s office.
“Now son, just what happened?” “Well, sir, two older boys beat me up, and then the recess teacher sent me to you, all because I asked what Blue Velvet is”. “Little Johnny, you are expelled. Get the hell out of my school!”

Expelled, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders home at midday. His mother answers the door, exclaiming “What happened?!” “I was beat up, yelled at, and expelled from school, all for asking what “Blue Velvet” is”. Little Johnny’s Mother slams the door in his face. From behind the closed door she yells “You’re never welcome in this home again!”

Homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders along Main Street wondering what to do, when a Policeman pulls up. “Get in” he says. Little Johnny does so, and as they start driving, the Policeman asks what happened. “Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled from school, and thrown out of my home, all because I wanted to know what Blue Velvet is”.
The Policeman brings the car to a screeching halt, and throws Little Johnny out, saying “You are no longer welcome in this town. Don’t let me catch you around here again!”

Banished, homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders the highway on the edge of town, when a trucker pulls over and motions him into the cab.
As they drive away, the Trucker asks what happened. “Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled, thrown out of my home, and banished from my town, all for asking what Blue Velvet is”.

“Is that so?” says the Trucker. “Well, hell, I can tell you what Blue Velvet is”.

“Really?”
“Sure”.

The Trucker stops the truck. “See that Hotel over there on the other side of the Highway? If you go into that Hotel, go up to the Third Floor, walk down the hallway, and knock on the second door on the right, there’s a woman in there who can tell you exactly what Blue Velvet is”.

“Gee, Thanks, Mister!” replies Little Johnny, smiling for the first time all day.

Little Johnny jumps down out of the truck and runs across the Highway when *BAM* he is hit by a car and killed instantly.

The moral of the story? Always look both ways before crossing the street.

Bank Robbery Buddies

Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered.

Not only did the thieves clean out the cash registers, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in.

Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said “By the way, Joe, here’s that twenty bucks I owe you”.

The Duck Hunter

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.

They fired, and a duck fell.

The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird never getting more than his paws wet.

This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The friend watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?” “I sure did” responded the friend. “He can’t swim”.

Some funny aphorisms

Aphorism = “A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or a general truth”

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don’t have a sense of humour you probably don’t have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m – for example, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

14. I’ve reached the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print – there’s no way you’re going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can’t buy happiness but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford.

19. After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you’re probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don’t mind and the ones that mind don’t matter.

21. Life isn’t tied with a bow but it’s still a gift.

And REMEMBER….

“POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON”

The Doberman and the Panther

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost.

Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.

So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says …….

“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

Moral of this story…

Don’t mess with the old dogs…

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

The Family Christmas Newsletter Template

It’s a tradition some people love, and even more people hate: the form letter enclosed in a Xmas card. If you’d been thinking of retaliating with your own letter, we’ve developed a template to help get you started. It’s even in Comic Sans to cause maximum grief to those receiving it.

You can download a PDF version at the bottom of this post, but here’s what it looks like:

THE_FAMILY_XMAS_NEWSLETTER_TEMPLATE_IN_COMIC_SANS_pdf__page_1_of_2_

THE_FAMILY_XMAS_NEWSLETTER_TEMPLATE_IN_COMIC_SANS_pdf__page_2_of_2_

Click here to download a PDF version. Feel free to post your versions in comments, we’d love to see them.

Chicken Farmer

Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer John called the local police station to complain “You’ve got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens” he said to the local police officer.

“What do you want me to do?” asked the policeman.

“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said “You’ve still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster!”

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said “Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?”

In order to get Farmer John off his back said “Sure. Put up your own sign”.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious and thought he’d better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..

So he drove out to Farmer John’s house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign:

NUDIST COLONY: Slow down and watch out for chicks!

Wine Taster

A wine merchants the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. An old man who was drunk, with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable”. “That’s correct” said the boss.

Another glass… “It’s a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results”. “Correct”.

A third glass… “It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive” calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant… and if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father.

The Real Laws of Nature

…Here are the REAL LAWS

1.Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity:
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Supermarket Law:
As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces:
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance:
If the clothes fit, they’re ugly..

17.Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors’ Law:
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better… But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.

Funny and Strange Motor Insurance Claims

-“I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car”.

 

-“The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth”.

 

-“Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early”.

 

-“I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof”.

 

-“The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind”.

 

-“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought”.

 

“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket”.

 

-The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were – Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

 

-“I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard”.

 

-“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke”.

 

-“I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control”.

 

-“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”

 

-“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk”.

 

-“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car”.

 

-“Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo”.

 

-“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”

 

-“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment”.

 

-“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention”.

 

-“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way”.

 

-“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”.

 

-“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”.

 

-“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole”.

 

-“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car”.

 

-“I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident”.

 

-“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished”.

 

-“I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows”.

 

-“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have”.

 

-“I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it”.

 

-“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him”.

 

-“I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident”.

 

-“As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before”.

 

-“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian”.

 

-“My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle”.

 

-“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull”.

 

-“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him”.

 

-“The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him”.

 

-“The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end”.

 

-“The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. ”

 

-“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way”.

 

-“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before”.

 

-“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car”.

 

-“The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal”.

 

-“No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert”.

 

-“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries”.

 

-“The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him”.

 

-“I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact”.

 

-“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle”.

 

-“My car got hit by a submarine”. The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.

 

-“I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings”.

 

-“The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week”.

 

-“I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before”.

 

-“A house hit my car”. A house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend’s car. He eventually had the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming the story.

 

-“The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him”.

 

-“I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact”.

 

-“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”.

 

-“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention”.

 

-“My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle”.

 

-“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car”.

 

-“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before”.

 

-“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries”.

 

-“I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realised there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket”.

 

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