Father / Son First Drink

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness.

He didn’t like it, so I drank it. 

Then I got him a Kilkenny’s.

He didn’t like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager. He didn’t.

I drank it.

I thought that maybe he’d like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s. Nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland’s finest. He wouldn’t even smell it.
What could I do but drink it! 

By the time I realised he just didn’t like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.

Moose Hunting

Two men chartered a small plane to fly to Canada for a moose hunting trip. They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly.

“Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours”.

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Jim and Tony survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Jim asked Tony “Any idea where we are?”

Tony replied “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year”.

Airplane Engines Failing

Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engine plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captain’s voice came over the loudspeaker. “Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There’s nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick”.

Five minutes later he said “Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late”.

A moment later “Err… sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than expected”.

One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. “Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we’ll be here all night?”

Wrong Email Address

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.
He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008
I know you’re surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Very hot down here!

Ten Finkers

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, “Okie dokie, let’s have da finkers and I’ll see vhat I can do.”

Ole said, “I haven’t got da finkers.”

“Vhat do you mean, you hafen’t got da finkers?” he said. “Lordy- it’s 2013 and Ive’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible surgery techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn’t you brink da finkers?”

Ole says………”How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?”

 

Best Toast Of The Night

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !” That won him the top prize at the pub for the Best Toast of the Night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best Toast of the Night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.”

Nightclub Dress Code

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Malaysian, a Chinese, a Portuguese, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, and an African went to a night club…

The bouncer said: “Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai. “

Is This Yours?

Paddy says to Mick “I found this pen, is it yours?”

Mick replies “Don’t know, give it here.” He then writes on a piece of paper and says, “Yes it is”

Paddy asks “How do you know?”

Mick replies, “That’s my handwriting”

Sex Research

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and two cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead…

Three Dead Bodies

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces! The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: “First body: An Italian, 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile”.

‘Second body: “Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the Lottery, spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile”.

The Inspector asked “What of the third body?”

“Ah” says the coroner “This is the most unusual one. Danny O’Neil, Irish, 30, struck by lightning”.

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

“Thought he was having his picture taken”.

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