The Caring Grandfather

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long . . .. Easy boy.”

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy”

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool William.”

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William . . . The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”

The Winter Boots

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this.

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, ‘Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.’

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, ‘These aren’t my boots.’

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, ‘Why didn’t you say so?’ like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

‘They’re my brother’s boots. But my Mom made me wear ’em today.’

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, ‘Now, where are your mittens?’

He said, ‘I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.’

She’ll be eligible for parole in three years.

Kids Have It Easy

If you are 40 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious shite about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill… barefoot… BOTH ways Yadda,¬†yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of shit like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of forty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a FUCKING UTOPIA!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the bloody library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there!
Stamps were 5 pence!

Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick the shit out of us! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3′ s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and fuck it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause – that’s how we rolled, dig?

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!

And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen… forever!
And you could never win.
The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!
NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you SPOILED LITTLE RAT BASTARDS!!

And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the cooker! Imagine that!

That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You little arseholes wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or before!

Regards,
Grumpy Gang

The Polite Way To Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students
the following question:
‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you
tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’
Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’
The teacher responded by saying:
‘That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’
Sherman said:
‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I’ll be right back.’
‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once & show us your good manners?’
Johnny said:
‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’

The teacher fainted.

Older Parents

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

“May I see the new baby?” I asked.

“Not yet” She said “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first”.

Thirty minutes had passed and I asked “May I see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet” She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed. I asked again “May I see the baby now?”

“No, not yet” replied my friend.

Growing very impatient I asked “Well, when can I see the baby?”

“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told me.

“WHEN HE CRIES?” I demanded. “Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?”

“BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OKAY?!!”

Pregnancy Q&A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex? A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational. A: So what’s your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a cyclone might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? A: Not unless the words ‘child support payment’ means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby’s nappy very quickly
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in university.
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs? A: Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible? A: Only if they don’t work.
Q: What is a chastity belt? A: A labour-saving device.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? A: Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: Because you’re fatter than they are.
Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.
Q: I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I’m pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra? A: Not if you don’t mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.
Q: Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A: Depends on what you’re doing with them.
Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy? A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
Q: How long is the average woman in labour? A: Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q: What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning? A: It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q: What are forceps? A: Giant baby tweezers.
Q: Does labour cause haemorrhoids? A: Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? A: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised? A: When it’s a girl, for starters.
Q: What is the grasp reflex? A: The reaction of new father’s when he sees new mother’s breasts.
Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away? A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk? A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: How does one sanitise nipples? A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q: What are the terrible twos? A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A: When you see teeth marks.

Great Truths

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts .
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but, nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . Having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . … . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

Have a wonderful day with many smiles

Circulation of the blood

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said:

‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’

‘Yes,’ the class said:

‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’

Little Johny shouted:
‘Cause your feet ain’t empty!

Hockey in Boston

Two boys are playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common, when one is attacked by a vicious dog.

Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog’s collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog’s neck and stopping its attack.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

“Young Bruins Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal…”
He starts writing in his notebook.

“But, I’m not a Bruins fan ,” the little hero replied.

“Sorry, since we’re in Boston, I just assumed you were,” said the reporter and starts again.

“Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific attack…”
He continued writing in his notebook.

“I’m not A Red Sox fan either!” The boy said.

“I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins or the Red Sox.”

“So, what team do you root for?” The reporter asked.

“I’m a Yankees fan!” The child beamed.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

“Little Bastard From New York Kills Beloved Family Pet .”

Early Dismissal

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”

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