Gonorrhoea vs Diarrhoea

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly

“You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea”.

Replied the widow “Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh#t that he really was”

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics – no go.

Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.

Thumbs Down

Then came Minds and Behinds – still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes – unacceptable again!

So they tried Nuts and Butts – no way. Freaks and Cheeks – still no good. Loons and Moons – forget it . Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones – Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it.

Embarrassing Medical Moments

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab! I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs — and I was in the wrong one..

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. Big breaths, I instructed. Yes, they used to be, replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA ..

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a, ‘massive internal fart.’

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one, I asked?

The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I’m running out of places to put it!

I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, How long have you been bedridden?

After a look of complete confusion, she answered….Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.’

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, ‘So, how’s your breakfast this

It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’

Submitted by RN, no name.


8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, I’m sorry.. Was I tickling you?

She replied, No doctor, but the song you were whistling was,
‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’

Doctor wouldn’t submit his name (Can’t blame him!)

Five surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on..

The first surgeon says, ‘I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’

The second responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.’

The third surgeon says, ‘No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’

The fourth surgeon chimes in, ‘You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.’

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts – the mouth and the arsehole – and they are interchangeable’

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