Two Aussies and a Logic Scientist

Two Aussie builders, Keith and Ken, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Ken: “I reckon he’s an accountant”.
Keith: “No way – he’s a stockbroker”.
Ken: “He ain’t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here!”
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Ken and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Ken: “‘Scuse me mate… no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?”
Suit: “No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession”.
Ken: “Oh! What’s that then?”
Suit: “I’ll try to explain by example… do you have a goldfish at home?
Ken: “Err… hmmm… well yeah, I do as it happens!”
Suit: “Well, it’s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Ken: “It’s in a pond!”
Suit: “Well then it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden”.
Ken “As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!”
Suit: “Well then it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?”
Ken: “As it happens I’ve got a five-bedroom house… built it myself!”
Suit: “Well given that you’ve built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?”
Ken: “Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children”.
Suit: “Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?”
Ken: “Yep! Five or six nights a week!”
Suit: “Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?”
Ken: “Me? Never!”
Suit: “Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!”
Ken: “How’s that then?”
Suit: “Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I’ve told you about your sex life!”
Ken: “I see! That’s pretty impressive… thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Ken returns to his mate.
Keith: “I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?”
Ken: “Yep! He’s a logical scientist!”
Keith: “What’s that then?”
Ken: “I’ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?”
Keith: “Nope”.
Ken: “Well then, you’re a wanker!”

Moose Hunting

Two men chartered a small plane to fly to Canada for a moose hunting trip. They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly.

“Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours”.

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Jim and Tony survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Jim asked Tony “Any idea where we are?”

Tony replied “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year”.

Infidelity and the Mother In Law

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Walter, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

“What happened, Walter?” she asks anxiously. “What happened? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my hunting trip. I get home… and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Olga, naked with Joe Koverski in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Walter!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Olga would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened”.

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“Walter, there I told you there must be a simple explanation… “She never got your email!”

The Duck Hunter

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.

They fired, and a duck fell.

The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird never getting more than his paws wet.

This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The friend watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?” “I sure did” responded the friend. “He can’t swim”.

Some funny aphorisms

Aphorism = “A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or a general truth”

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don’t have a sense of humour you probably don’t have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m – for example, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

14. I’ve reached the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print – there’s no way you’re going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can’t buy happiness but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford.

19. After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you’re probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don’t mind and the ones that mind don’t matter.

21. Life isn’t tied with a bow but it’s still a gift.

And REMEMBER….

“POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON”

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her
neighbours’ male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large
house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she
was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed
downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to
disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it
was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having
explained the problem to him, the vet said,

“Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call
you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection
and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“It just worked for me!,” he replied.

Perks of reaching 50

At the root of every grey hair, there is a dead brain cell.

Someone had to remind me,
So I’m reminding you, too.
Don’t laugh…. It is all true!

Perks of reaching 50
Or being over 60
And heading towards
70 or beyond!

1.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3.
No one expects you to run — anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
‘Did I wake you?’

5.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7.
Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8.
You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9..
You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13.
You sing along with elevator music.

14.
Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

19.
You can’t remember who sent you this list.

Forward this to everyone you can remember
Right now!

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

Never, NEVER, NEVER ,
Under any circumstances,
Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!

“Good friends are like stars…You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there.

Just thinking about you!!

The Doberman and the Panther

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost.

Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.

So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says …….

“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

Moral of this story…

Don’t mess with the old dogs…

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Edna’s Letter To God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope…
Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna.

Conclusion Jumping

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

“I love you!” she said, and then she got all excited, she quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever….

Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts

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