The Family Christmas Newsletter Template

It’s a tradition some people love, and even more people hate: the form letter enclosed in a Xmas card. If you’d been thinking of retaliating with your own letter, we’ve developed a template to help get you started. It’s even in Comic Sans to cause maximum grief to those receiving it.

You can download a PDF version at the bottom of this post, but here’s what it looks like:

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Click here to download a PDF version. Feel free to post your versions in comments, we’d love to see them.

Chicken Farmer

Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer John called the local police station to complain “You’ve got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens” he said to the local police officer.

“What do you want me to do?” asked the policeman.

“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said “You’ve still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster!”

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said “Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?”

In order to get Farmer John off his back said “Sure. Put up your own sign”.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious and thought he’d better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..

So he drove out to Farmer John’s house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign:

NUDIST COLONY: Slow down and watch out for chicks!

Wine Taster

A wine merchants the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. An old man who was drunk, with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable”. “That’s correct” said the boss.

Another glass… “It’s a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results”. “Correct”.

A third glass… “It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive” calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant… and if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father.

Bank Robbery

On Friday, A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber’s face. Without a moment’s hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot and killed her also.

Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled “Well, did anyone else see my face?”

There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said “My wife got a pretty good look at you!!”

Inflamed Appendix Joke

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

 

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

 

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

 

Taped firmly across his pub ic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily – if at all.

 

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence “Get well soon, from the nurse in the Silver Magna you pulled over last week

A Lesson For Life

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
“Hey old man, have you ever danced?”

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance … never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said, “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No sir … but… I’ve always wanted to.”
There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.

Don’t waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don’t mess with old folks, they didn’t get old by being stupid.

The Real Laws of Nature

…Here are the REAL LAWS

1.Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity:
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Supermarket Law:
As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces:
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance:
If the clothes fit, they’re ugly..

17.Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors’ Law:
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better… But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.

Funny and Strange Motor Insurance Claims

-“I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car”.

 

-“The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth”.

 

-“Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early”.

 

-“I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof”.

 

-“The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind”.

 

-“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought”.

 

“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket”.

 

-The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were – Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

 

-“I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard”.

 

-“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke”.

 

-“I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control”.

 

-“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”

 

-“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk”.

 

-“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car”.

 

-“Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo”.

 

-“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”

 

-“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment”.

 

-“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention”.

 

-“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way”.

 

-“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”.

 

-“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”.

 

-“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole”.

 

-“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car”.

 

-“I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident”.

 

-“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished”.

 

-“I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows”.

 

-“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have”.

 

-“I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it”.

 

-“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him”.

 

-“I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident”.

 

-“As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before”.

 

-“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian”.

 

-“My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle”.

 

-“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull”.

 

-“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him”.

 

-“The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him”.

 

-“The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end”.

 

-“The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. ”

 

-“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way”.

 

-“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before”.

 

-“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car”.

 

-“The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal”.

 

-“No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert”.

 

-“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries”.

 

-“The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him”.

 

-“I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact”.

 

-“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle”.

 

-“My car got hit by a submarine”. The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.

 

-“I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings”.

 

-“The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week”.

 

-“I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before”.

 

-“A house hit my car”. A house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend’s car. He eventually had the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming the story.

 

-“The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him”.

 

-“I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact”.

 

-“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”.

 

-“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention”.

 

-“My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle”.

 

-“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car”.

 

-“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before”.

 

-“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries”.

 

-“I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realised there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket”.

 

Assorted giggles

The young man came running into the store and said to his mate “Johnno, somebody just stole your ute from the parking lot!”

 

Johnno replied “Did ya see who it was?”

 

The young man answered “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number”.

 

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Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

 

“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.

 

“It’s hereditary, sir” the older one replied.

 

“I see” said the doctor, writing in his file.

 

“Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?”

 

“No sir, our mother”.

 

“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have penises!”

 

“I know, sir” replied the recruit “But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could!”

 

##########################################

 

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells “No! No! Don’t enter that church, you damn fool!”

 

His wife asks him “What are you watching?”

 

Husband replies “Our wedding video”.

Golf Club Murder

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks “Sir, is that your wife?”

“Yes”.

“Did you hit her with that golf club?”

“Yes. Yes, I did” the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

“How many times did you hit her?”

“I don’t know. Five… six… put me down for a five”.

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