The Family Christmas Newsletter Template

It’s a tradition some people love, and even more people hate: the form letter enclosed in a Xmas card. If you’d been thinking of retaliating with your own letter, we’ve developed a template to help get you started. It’s even in Comic Sans to cause maximum grief to those receiving it.

You can download a PDF version at the bottom of this post, but here’s what it looks like:

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Click here to download a PDF version. Feel free to post your versions in comments, we’d love to see them.

A Good Catholic Joke

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse
language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: “And do you men know Jesus Christ?

They shook their heads and looked at each other. Very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?

One of the steelworkers yelled down, “Why?

The worker yelled back,  “’Cause his Mum’s here with his lunch.

Divorce in Heaven

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out” and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes” he informs the couple “you can get married in Heaven”.

“Great!” said the couple “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

“You must be f#cking joking” says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple”.

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted “It took me three months to find a priest up here. Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

In The Beginning…

… how it all began (this is very clever)

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg… Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
“YAHOO,” said Abraham.

And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began. And that’s the truth….

Jesus Is Watching You

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”

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