Marriage Jokes

MARRIAGE (PART I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: “I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I don’t expect any hassle from you! I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?” His new bride said “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not”.

MARRIAGE (PART II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’!” “Yeah?” she replies “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last’!”

MARRIAGE (PART III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says “And you are no good in bed either” and storms out of the house. After some time he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says “What took you so long to answer to the phone?” She says “I was in bed”. “In bed this early, doing what?” “Getting a second opinion!”

MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife ‘Mother of Six’ in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice “Shall we go home Mother of Six?” His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion shouts right back “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four”.

MARRIAGE (PART V)
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper ‘Please wake me at 5am’. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said ‘It is 5:00am. Wake up’.

MARRIAGE (PART VI)
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

MARRIAGE (PART VII)
A married couple goes to a marriage counsellor to work out some problems. The counsellor sits them on the couch and says “Let’s start by talking about what you both have in common”. The husband says “Well for starters, neither one of us sucks dick…”

MARRIAGE (PART VIII)
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. “Oh we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening”.

MARRIAGE (PART IX)
Newlyweds are into their second week of marriage when the wife says to the husband… “I want to set the rules down about sex. When my hair is nice and perfect – I definitely don’t want to have sex! If my hair is a little messed up and not that perfect – maybe I do, maybe I don’t want to have sex. But when my hair is messed up… I definitely want to have sex”.

MARRIAGE (PART X)
Husband says… “Okay but I have my rules about sex also… every night when I come home from work I will have one can of beer. When I have one can of beer I definitely don’t want to have sex. When I have a couple of beers – maybe I do, maybe I don’t want to have sex. When I have a six pack or a case of beer – I don’t give a toss about your hair!

MARRIAGE (PART XI)
At All Saints Lutheran Church they have a weekly husband’s marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

“Well” Ole replied to the assembled husbands “I’ve tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all I took her to Norway for the 20th anniversary!” The Pastor responded “Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary”. Ole proudly replied: “I’m a-gonna go get her!”

MARRIAGE (PART XII)

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. “Amazing. 66 years!” I said. “What’s the secret to such a long, happy marriage?” “Well” he replied “It’s like this. The man makes all the big decisions… and the woman just makes the little decisions”. “Really?” I responded. “Does that really work? “Oh yes” he said proudly. “66 years, and so far, not one big decision!”

 

Condoms and smoking

Lady 1: What’s that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day…Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.

(The pharmacist fainted.)

Hell explained by a chemistry student

The following is an actual question given on a  University   of Arizona   chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. ….leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

 

An Old Man Gets His Health Checked

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

“Well, doc, it’s like this – first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

Ever seen $20 all crumpled up?

“Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?”…the woman asked her husband.

” No”…said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse…and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra…and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

He took the crumpled twenty dollar note from her …and smiled approvingly.

“Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?”… she then asked her husband?

“No ..no, I haven’t” …he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers… and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar note.

He took the crumpled fifty dollar note… and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now” …she said.

“Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?”

“No, never” …he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused… and excited).

“Well, go and look in the garage!”…she said.

Getting To The End

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ……. back and forth ….. back and forth ….. in and out ….. in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding … her face was flushed … then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

“OK, OK! I can’t park the bloody car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!”

The Polite Way To Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students
the following question:
‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you
tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’
Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’
The teacher responded by saying:
‘That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’
Sherman said:
‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I’ll be right back.’
‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once & show us your good manners?’
Johnny said:
‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’

The teacher fainted.

Bottle of Wine

A Man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman who is seated over there’….. and indicated the sender with a nod of his head

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman

The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’..

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady

It read:
‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..

Friday Phunnies

 

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’

‘It is!’

‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’

‘I can!’ 

‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’

‘I do!’

‘Is he a member of your congregation?’

‘He is!’

‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’

‘He will.’

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had se x with each of them three times.’

Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’

Man: ‘What sins?’

Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’

Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’

Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’

Man: ‘I’m 92 years old . . . . I’m telling everybody!’

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

‘I’m 90 years old,’ he says.

’90?’ replies the woman. ‘Don’t you realize you’ve had it?’

‘Oh, sorry,’ says the old man. ‘How much do I owe you?’

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, ‘Doc, I think I’m getting senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.’ ‘That’s not senility,’ replied the doctor. ‘Senility is when you forget to zip down.’

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. ‘Who are you?’ he asked him.

‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator. 
 ‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.

‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.

‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards! ‘

Marriage Humour 

Wife:        ‘What are you doing?’

Husband:    Nothing.

Wife: 
       ‘Nothing . . . ?  You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’

Husband: 
  ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’

——————————-

Wife 
:       ‘Do you want dinner?’

Husband: 
    ‘Sure! What are my choices?’

Wife:      ‘Yes or no.’

——————————————————–
Stress Reliever

Girl:     ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’

Boy: 
    ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’

Girl: 
    ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’

——————————
Son:     ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’

Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’

Son:     ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’

‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’

————————————————————

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’

Husbands are husbands 

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied , ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’. The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’ The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’

Extra Sale

A lady walks into an adult shop and asks, “How much for the white dildo?”
He answers, “35 bucks”
She: “How much for the black one?”
He: “$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.”
She: “I think I’ll take the black one. I’ve never had a black one before.” She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks “How much for the black dildo?”

He: “35 bucks”
She: “How much for the white one?”
He: “$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one.”
She: “Hmmm… I think I’ll take the white one. I’ve never had a white one before…” She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a blonde woman comes in and asks, “How much are your dildos?”

He: “$35 for the white, $35 for the black.”
She: “Hmmmmm… .how much is that plaid one on the shelf?”
He: “Well, that’s a very special dildo… it’ll cost you $165.”
She: She thinks for a moment and answers, “I’ll take the plaid one, I’ve never had a plaid one before….” She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy’s boss returns and asks, “How did you do while I was gone?”

To which the salesman responded, “I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!”

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