Best Toast Of The Night

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !” That won him the top prize at the pub for the Best Toast of the Night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best Toast of the Night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.”

Sexy Parking

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ……. back and forth ….. back and forth ….. in and out ….. in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding … her face was flushed … then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
“OK, OK! I can’t park the bloody car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!”

The Camel

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.

He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

The hottest girl said ,”If you fix our car we will do anything you want.”

The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.

When he finished are three girls asked, “How could we ever repay you Mr.”

After thinking for a short while he replied,”Could you hold my camel?”

Sex Research

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and three years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and two cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead…

Premature Ejaculation Problems

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.

The doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.

That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, “Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air

Sperm Sample

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this … first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.”

“She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man answered, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

The harmonica

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

“My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?”

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying “Why don’t you learn to play this?”

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!”

She kissed him and said, “First let’s see you play that harmonica”.

Gender battle assortment

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.
Can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don’t get an erection,
please don’t get an erection …
but she did.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I
had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said “You’re pulling my leg”

I’ve just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they’re not actually
a dating agency.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!
At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in
her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr.
He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says yes I have and I’ve been table ended and backskuttled
a few times too.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed
to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around
and talking behind my back.
He says “what do you expect, you’re in a wheel chair.”

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Skirt Zipper

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus..

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, ‘How dare you touch my body!
I don’t even know who you are!’

The Texan smiled and drawled, ‘Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.’

Lord, they’re finally together

She married and had 13 children.

Then her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died.

She remarried a third time and had 5 more children.

After a long life, she finally died after having 25 children

Standing before her coffin, the preist prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, ‘ Lord, they’re finally together.’

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, ‘ Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? ‘

The friend replied, ‘ I think he means her legs.’

Previous Posts