Fred and Bill Play Golf

There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. Bill’s wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game.

But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired.

His wife asked “What’s the matter, Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now”.

Bill said “Well, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole”.

“My God, honey!” said the wife, rushing to comfort him. “That must’ve been terrible!”

“It was” he said. “All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again…”

Golf Club Murder

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground.

The detective asks “Sir, is that your wife?”


“Did you hit her with that golf club?”

“Yes. Yes, I did” the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head.

“How many times did you hit her?”

“I don’t know. Five… six… put me down for a five”.

David Beckham In A Taxi

David Beckham gets into a London taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear-view mirror.

After about five minutes the driver says: “OK give me a clue”.

Beckham says: “I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over 100 caps for England, is that enough?”

The driver says: “No, you thick twat, where do you want to go?”

Hockey in Boston

Two boys are playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common, when one is attacked by a vicious dog.

Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog’s collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog’s neck and stopping its attack.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

“Young Bruins Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal…”
He starts writing in his notebook.

“But, I’m not a Bruins fan ,” the little hero replied.

“Sorry, since we’re in Boston, I just assumed you were,” said the reporter and starts again.

“Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific attack…”
He continued writing in his notebook.

“I’m not A Red Sox fan either!” The boy said.

“I assumed everyone in Boston was either for the Bruins or the Red Sox.”

“So, what team do you root for?” The reporter asked.

“I’m a Yankees fan!” The child beamed.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

“Little Bastard From New York Kills Beloved Family Pet .”

Early Dismissal

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”


Bad Tiger

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn’t seriously injured in the crash, but he’s still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Apparently the police asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him. She said “I don’t know exactly but put me down for a 5.”

It was just reported that Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger’s wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

Tiger Woods has been dropped by Gillette after admitting that his crash was the closest shave he had ever had.

A movie is being developed base on events, titled “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant”.

EA Sports are releasing new Playstation game… “Tiger Woods 2010, Grand Theft Auto”

What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree.

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.

Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

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