The Vicar’s Salary

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims: ‘If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!’

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, ‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!’

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.’

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

‘Mrs. Jones, you’re a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?’

Agnes’s 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: ‘Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Fuck him’.

Little April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”

The Teacher fainted.

Pope Joke

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn’t travel light, the driver notices
that the Pope is still standing on the curb

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver,

‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I’d really like to drive today.’

‘I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job!
And what if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

‘There might be something extra in it for you,’ says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

‘Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. ‘Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,’ moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.

‘I don’t think we want to do that – he’s really important,’ said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, ‘All the more reason!’

‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop.

The Chief then asked, ‘Who have you got there, the Mayor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘Governor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘Who is it?’

Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’

Chief: ‘What makes you think it’s God?’

Cop: ‘He’s got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!’

God Takes a Holiday

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, “You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?”

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, “How about Jupiter? It’s nice and warm there this time of the year.”

God shakes His head before saying, “No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back.”

“Hmmm,” St. Peter reflects. “Well, how about Mercury?”

“No way!” God mutters, “It’s way too hot for me there!”

“I’ve got it,” St. Peter says, his face lighting up. “How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?”

Chuckling, God remarks, “Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they’re STILL talking about it!”

Letter To God

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted: ‘Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.’

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Barry’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did. Barry’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Barry.

Barry knew this wasn’t true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Your friend,

Barry.

Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Barry’s mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. ‘Just be home in time for dinner,’ his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I’VE GOT YOUR MUM.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE!!

Blonde goes to heaven

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

‘I’m sorry,’ St Peter said; ‘But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.’

‘That’s cool’ said the blonde, ‘What does the Entrance Exam consist of?’

‘Just three questions’ said St Peter.

‘Which are?’ asked the blonde.

‘The first,’ said St Peter, ‘is, which two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’ ‘?

The second is ‘How many seconds are there in a year?’

The third is ‘What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’

‘Now,’ said St Peter, ‘Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.’

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, ‘I have.’

‘Well then,’ said St Peter, ‘Which two days of the week start with the letter T?’

The blonde said, ‘Today and Tomorrow.’

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

‘Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?’ St Peter went on, ‘how many seconds in a year?’

The Blonde replied, ‘Twelve!’

‘Only twelve?’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘How did you arrive at that figure?’

‘Easy,’ said the blonde, ‘there’s the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.’

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, ‘I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.’ And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. ‘I’ll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the
answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’

The blonde replied: ‘Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.’

‘Really!’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘And what is the answer?’

‘It’s Andy.’

‘Andy??’

‘Yes, Andy,’ said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked ‘How in God’s name did you arrive at THAT answer?’

‘Easy’ said the blonde, ‘Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his
billy boiled.’

And the blonde entered into Heaven………..

Papal Finances

‘Nescafe’ manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
 
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers ‘your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate US$100 million to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.’
 
The Pope responds, ‘That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed.’
 
‘Well,’ says the Nescafe man, ‘we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.’

‘My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed.’
 
The Nescafe guy says ‘Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million – that’s half a billion dollars – to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.’ Please consider it.’

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. ‘There is some good news,’ he announces, ‘and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.’
 
‘And the bad news your Holiness?’ asks a Cardinal.
 
“We’re losing the ‘Tip Top’ account.”

Episode 6 of TMJ Podcast – Religion and Second Life

Episode 6 features a news roundup, a short review of Tom Boellstorff’s ‘Coming of Age in Second Life’ and an interview with Dr Helen Farley from the University of Queensland on religion and Second Life.

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For details on how to automatically receive these podcasts, check our podcast page.

Christian Orthodoxy and Sexual Purity – A Second Life seminar

An interesting announcement came to my attention today from the organisers of a ninety minute seminar. It’s being held by the UK-based University of Plymouth at 6am Friday morning Australian Eastern time. The full details as announced:

Fathers Johann Barak and Joshua Tuchs (these are SL avatar names), who in RL are two Eastern Orthodox priests in USA, together with Presbytera Anna Hirschel (again, SL name–she is also in RL Eastern Orthodox and based in USA) will be holding a 60-90 minute seminar at our SIM in Second Life® this Thursday, 1 May 2008, at 1:00 PM PDT/SLT = 9 PM BST (GMT+1) about ‘Sexual Purity and Healthy Relationships: A Christian Orthodox Perspective for the 21st Century’.

The event will take place at the University of Plymouth Sexual Health SIM.

Our three speakers will be holding an open discussion along the lines of this video – we will be showing a short segment of it in-world at the start of the seminar. They will be responding live to your questions in-world. Fr Johann Barak, Fr Joshua Tuchs, and Presbytera Anna Hirschel believe that Orthodox Christianity has a strong and very important and practical message for the whole world, especially these days with the very recent announcement of the US CDC that 1 in every 4 American teenage girls has a sexually-transmitted infection (HPV) that can lead later in life to cervical cancer (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7290088.stm).

About us:

The University of Plymouth Sexual Health SIM in Second Life® is a novel Sexual Health Public Education and Outreach project funded by Education UK Island .

The combination of sex and religion always makes for interesting debates so if 6am isn’t too early for you, this one may be well worth a visit.

Anglicans in Second Life

The Revd Mark Brown is a New Zealander leading an Anglican Ministry in Second Life and says its has grown to five church services per week with a congregation of over 300.

The group have their own blog and a range of service times including an Australian friendly one – 6pm Sunday evenings AEDT (11pm Saturday SL time).

Check it out in-world.

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