At the bar

McGurky walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
“What are you so happy about?” asks the barman.

“Well, I’ll tell you,” replies McGurky.

“You know, I live by the railway.

Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the movies.

I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!

We made love all night, all over the house.

We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position

“Fantastic!” exclaimed the barman. “You lucky guy. Was she pretty?”

“Dunno…Never found the head…”

A very quick Irish joke

So Paddy asks Murphy: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”

To which Murphy replies:

“You thick idiot – If they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat

I just love the irish…

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, “Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?”

“No bother,” he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy’s two stunning 19 year
old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

“Hello dere girls, your Da’ sent me up here to shag ya both.”

“Fook off you liar!”.

“I’ll prove it,” Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, “Both of them, Paddy?”

“Of course, what’s the use of fookin’ one?”

Yet another Irish Joke

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.

Mick says to Paddy, ‘ I can’t be bothered to walk all dat way.’

‘I know,’ says Paddy, ‘but we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last Bus home. ”We could steal a bus from the depot,’ Mick suggests.

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, ‘Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?’

Paddy shouts back, ‘I can’t find a No. 91’

‘Oh holy lord , ye thick sod, take a No. 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout.

Irish Sausages

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money at all!’

Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’

Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ‘

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said ‘Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killing me!’

Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel? I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

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