Joe Hockey today came out swinging after 24 hours of criticism for his comments around the Sydney housing market. Some sections of the community have balked at his claim that seeking a better job should be all that’s required to buy a house.
“Those criticising my comments are playing the man but they’re also not based on the full facts,” a firm but tearful Mr Hockey stated at a press conference this afternoon.
“A casual observer of politics might think as Treasurer that it’s my role to take some of the harder decisions. This is true to some extent, but there’s also an agreed expectation of all Ministers that they shoulder some of the less desirable aspects of policy decisions.”
When quizzed more closely on this, Mr Hockey broke down and admitted the existence of The Bastard Roster.
“Do you notice how it’s only Scott Morrison and I that cop multiple days on the roster each week? I’m usually on it every Tuesday and Thursday plus I cover Kevin Andrew’s days at least once a month because he gets in and covers his quota of bastardry early. So suddenly I’m public enemy number 1.”
When asked who wasn’t on the roster, Hockey continued to be angrily tearful. “Barnaby Joyce hasn’t done a single day. He asks Bronwyn Bishop to go on it most weeks, but she won’t move him over from the Blithering Idiot Roster. Malcolm Turnbull always agrees to his rostered days but never actually turns up. Chris Pyne used to be on the roster but enjoyed it so much he used to drown out any other messages the Government was trying to get out. The list goes on.”
Mr Hockey then launched into a fifteen minute defence of his ability to be a common man of the people, including a portfolio of testimonials from assorted finance industry executives and CEOs.
When asked if Tony Abbott was on the roster, Hockey was emphatic. “No way, he’s the PM. He’s a bastard 24/7, no roster required.”