Before becoming a parent, I thought School Photo Days were straightforward, a fella takes a picture of your kid at school, you buy a copy from them for a few quid. ..
Nope.
– Hi there, we’ve taken a picture of your kid at school and wondered if you’d like one?
– Oh, ok, yeah I’ll take one.
– Well.. we don’t do single photos we do ‘packages’.
– Ok, what’s the most basic package?
– That would be Package One. It’s one normal-sized photo and 42 wallet-sized photos.
– Well, that’s shite, I don’t know 42 people. I certainly don’t know 42 people who own a wallet. And I definitely don’t know 42 people who are weird enough to carry around a picture of someone else’s kid in their wallet.
– They’re great for passport photos.
– 42!? How many passports do you think he needs? He’s six, not f*ing Bond.
– OK, well Package Two is one of our bestsellers.
– What’s that?
– That’s 20 photos, all really awkward sizes, either too small to frame or too big to give to relatives without it being weird.
– Great. ..Package Three?
– That’s Package Two plus a snow-globe and a 6-foot canvas for your living room wall.
– Jesus, no.
– Look just give me the cheapest.. Package One.
– Certainly.
– Is that it? Can I pay now?
– Tea towel?
– What?
– Tea towel?
– Are you taking the piss? Why the bloody hell would I want a tea towel with a picture of my kid gurning on it? It’d be like drying the pots with the Turin Shroud. I’ll just take the..
– Cushion?
– No.- Mug?
– No.
– 6 foot cardboard cut-out.
– NO.
– What about a hot air balloon? They’re twenty feet wide and we’ll tether it to your back fence.
– Wha..?
– They’re very popular.
– No.
– We can project your kid’s face on to the moon?
– Why would you..?
– What about one of those big, blow-up, wavey -hands things you get outside car dealerships?
– NO.
– We’ll tattoo their face onto a pig?
– JESUS CHRIST!?, what is wrong with you people!? Look, just send me the shitty wallet package.
– No problem. Package One. That’ll be 45 quid please.
– What the bloody..!? Are you hand-painting each one!? I’m not paying that.
– Well, its memories isn’t it. And they are only young once, aren’t they? And you can’t get this time back and..
– ..Fine. …and give me one of those f*ing tea towels as well.
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