Moose Hunting

Two men chartered a small plane to fly to Canada for a moose hunting trip. They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly.

“Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours”.

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Jim and Tony survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Jim asked Tony “Any idea where we are?”

Tony replied “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year”.

Infidelity and the Mother In Law

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Walter, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

“What happened, Walter?” she asks anxiously. “What happened? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my hunting trip. I get home… and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Olga, naked with Joe Koverski in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Walter!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Olga would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened”.

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“Walter, there I told you there must be a simple explanation… “She never got your email!”

Five of the Best: Rock Sax Solos

A friend on Facebook asked around about the solos that you couldn’t help hum note for note when you heard them. When I had a think of my favourites, I realised there was a healthy dose of sax solos in there. I did some trawling and here are five hot sax solos that I think rate pretty highly. Don’t hesitate to make your own suggestions below!

1. Bruce Springsteen: Badlands

You could have a whole list of Springsteen songs that have killer sax solos, and Jungleland is probably considered the signature sax offering from Clarence Clemons. It’s also hard to go past Born to Run, but for mine, Badlands has the best rock ‘posership’ of the lot.

2. Eddie and the Cruisers 2 Soundtrack: Runnin’ Through The Fire

I’m really pushing it putting this right under the Springsteen pick, but there you have it. The movie wasn’t up to the standard of the original but it still had some great music thanks to John Cafferty and Co. If you ignore the mullets, this little ditty has a damn good sax solo.

3. Billy Joel: You May Be Right

Short, sharp and damn catch – it’s what every sax solo should be.

4. INXS: Never Tear Us Apart

Another sign of a great solo is not being able to imagine a song without it. This is one such song.

5. Men At Work: Who Can It Be Now?

Greg Ham – you are missed.

There’s a lots of others that deserve honourable mentions, but I’m keen to hear your picks. Which sax solos stand out the most for you?

The Duck Hunter

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.

They fired, and a duck fell.

The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird never getting more than his paws wet.

This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The friend watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?” “I sure did” responded the friend. “He can’t swim”.

How to Access Netflix Australia on Apple TV

Netflix_-_Watch_TV_Shows_Online__Watch_Movies_OnlineOk Aussie Apple TV users: Netflix’s Australian offering is available on Apple TV as of today.

Here’s how to get it:

1. Switch on Apple TV

2. Select the huge Netflix logo on the main menu

3. Confirm your email address (which will pre-load with your iTunes email)

4. Select the trial you want to choose (standard definition / HD etc)

5. Agree to the terms and conditions (read them for yourself but basically you get a month free then they start billing you via iTunes for whatever plan you selected)

That’s it. You can stop the auto-payment via iTunes if you don’t want to pay after your free month.

Some funny aphorisms

Aphorism = “A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or a general truth”

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don’t have a sense of humour you probably don’t have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m – for example, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

14. I’ve reached the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print – there’s no way you’re going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can’t buy happiness but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford.

19. After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you’re probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don’t mind and the ones that mind don’t matter.

21. Life isn’t tied with a bow but it’s still a gift.

And REMEMBER….

“POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON”

The Family Christmas Newsletter Template

It’s a tradition some people love, and even more people hate: the form letter enclosed in a Xmas card. If you’d been thinking of retaliating with your own letter, we’ve developed a template to help get you started. It’s even in Comic Sans to cause maximum grief to those receiving it.

You can download a PDF version at the bottom of this post, but here’s what it looks like:

THE_FAMILY_XMAS_NEWSLETTER_TEMPLATE_IN_COMIC_SANS_pdf__page_1_of_2_

THE_FAMILY_XMAS_NEWSLETTER_TEMPLATE_IN_COMIC_SANS_pdf__page_2_of_2_

Click here to download a PDF version. Feel free to post your versions in comments, we’d love to see them.

Inflamed Appendix Joke

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

 

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

 

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

 

Taped firmly across his pub ic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily – if at all.

 

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence “Get well soon, from the nurse in the Silver Magna you pulled over last week

Funny and Strange Motor Insurance Claims

-“I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car”.

 

-“The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth”.

 

-“Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early”.

 

-“I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof”.

 

-“The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind”.

 

-“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought”.

 

“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket”.

 

-The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were – Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

 

-“I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard”.

 

-“On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke”.

 

-“I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control”.

 

-“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”

 

-“I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk”.

 

-“First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car”.

 

-“Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo”.

 

-“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”

 

-“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment”.

 

-“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention”.

 

-“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way”.

 

-“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”.

 

-“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”.

 

-“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole”.

 

-“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car”.

 

-“I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident”.

 

-“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished”.

 

-“I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows”.

 

-“Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have”.

 

-“I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it”.

 

-“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him”.

 

-“I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident”.

 

-“As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before”.

 

-“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian”.

 

-“My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle”.

 

-“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull”.

 

-“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him”.

 

-“The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him”.

 

-“The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end”.

 

-“The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. ”

 

-“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way”.

 

-“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before”.

 

-“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car”.

 

-“The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal”.

 

-“No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert”.

 

-“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries”.

 

-“The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him”.

 

-“I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact”.

 

-“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle”.

 

-“My car got hit by a submarine”. The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.

 

-“I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings”.

 

-“The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week”.

 

-“I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before”.

 

-“A house hit my car”. A house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend’s car. He eventually had the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming the story.

 

-“The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him”.

 

-“I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact”.

 

-“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”.

 

-“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention”.

 

-“My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle”.

 

-“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car”.

 

-“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before”.

 

-“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries”.

 

-“I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realised there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket”.

 

Assorted giggles

The young man came running into the store and said to his mate “Johnno, somebody just stole your ute from the parking lot!”

 

Johnno replied “Did ya see who it was?”

 

The young man answered “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number”.

 

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Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

 

“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.

 

“It’s hereditary, sir” the older one replied.

 

“I see” said the doctor, writing in his file.

 

“Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?”

 

“No sir, our mother”.

 

“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have penises!”

 

“I know, sir” replied the recruit “But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could!”

 

##########################################

 

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells “No! No! Don’t enter that church, you damn fool!”

 

His wife asks him “What are you watching?”

 

Husband replies “Our wedding video”.

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