Divorce versus Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

“I’d like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

The harmonica

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

“My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?”

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying “Why don’t you learn to play this?”

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!”

She kissed him and said, “First let’s see you play that harmonica”.

Three blondes

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?”

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said,”did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”

The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”

The detective shook his head and said,”Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?”

“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused too!”

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,”All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?”

The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses. “The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Helloooooooo! With only One eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”

Gender battle assortment

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.
Can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don’t get an erection,
please don’t get an erection …
but she did.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I
had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said “You’re pulling my leg”

I’ve just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they’re not actually
a dating agency.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!
At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in
her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr.
He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says yes I have and I’ve been table ended and backskuttled
a few times too.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed
to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around
and talking behind my back.
He says “what do you expect, you’re in a wheel chair.”

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant’s ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought “Wow, these gals really have it nice.”

A little more boldly he then pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. “Aha!” he thought “No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services.” So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. “Man this is great” he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, “Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your Willie is under your pillow.”

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…’YES! YES! I WON , I WON !’

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’

The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’

MORAL OF THE STORY –

Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men…are men.

Skirt Zipper

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus..

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, ‘How dare you touch my body!
I don’t even know who you are!’

The Texan smiled and drawled, ‘Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.’

When Love Fades

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen

“What would you like for dinner my Love?… Chicken, beef or lamb?”

I said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.”

She replied “You’re having soup, arsehole. I was talking to the cat.”

Sensitivity

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

She looked at the men in the room, “and Gentlemen, remember — You’re in this together — It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.” The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

“Yes”, answered the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

—- This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught

Cheap Beer

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks his wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back; we can’t afford them demands the wife,” and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks her husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, “So does 24 cans of beer, and it’s half the price!”

On the PA system, “Clean-up on aisle 25; we have a husband down.”

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