Old Shaver

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied:”Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does”.

Confucius Did Not Say..

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired.

Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day gets no peace at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Woman who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . …

“A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”

David Beckham In A Taxi

David Beckham gets into a London taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear-view mirror.

After about five minutes the driver says: “OK give me a clue”.

Beckham says: “I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over 100 caps for England, is that enough?”

The driver says: “No, you thick twat, where do you want to go?”

Just Fred

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the
posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break,
and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him
for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with
it. “Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

The biker replies, “It’s a long story, so stay with me. I
was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Johnson, MD.

“After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so
then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started
fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred
Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

“Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was
Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away
my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson
with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.”

Where’s the Money?

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would
therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is.”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are
talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says,

“Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Nightclub Dress Code

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Malaysian, a Chinese, a Portuguese, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, and an African went to a night club…

The bouncer said: “Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai. “

Lie Detector

  A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, “I did some schoolwork.” The robot slaps the son.
The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”
Dad asks, “What movie did you watch ?”
Son says, “Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son.
Son says, “Ok, Ok we were watching porn.”

Dad says, “What?

At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.”
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “Well he certainly is your son .”
The robot slaps the mother.

End of Story

P.S.    Robot For Sale

Is This Yours?

Paddy says to Mick “I found this pen, is it yours?”

Mick replies “Don’t know, give it here.” He then writes on a piece of paper and says, “Yes it is”

Paddy asks “How do you know?”

Mick replies, “That’s my handwriting”

Puns

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren’t funny; period!

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro – what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

In The Beginning…

… how it all began (this is very clever)

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg… Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
“YAHOO,” said Abraham.

And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began. And that’s the truth….

Previous Posts