Man Derides The Force Awakens For Its Logic Gaps

MCQ-cloudcityStar Wars: The Force Awakens may have been hyped more than Y2K, Coke and One Direction combined, but not all viewers of the recently released film have bought the excitement.

Aaron Gorinsen of New Lambton exited a midnight screening of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, unhappy with the experience overall. A Star Wars fan of over 35 years standing, he had some criticisms to make.

“This film is just an Episode 6 re-hash, which was a re-hash of Episode 4. How many damn times can you run the same storyline of ‘Shit there’s a big planet looking thing that blows up shit, we better find a weakness and destroy it. We had also better hunt down all the people who design the Death Star suite of products and blow them up as well so the next version produced has a weakness that can be exploited. Even better, to destroy the new version we will still need to fly an X-Wing through endless internal tunnels, that if removed would have halved the cost and size of the damn project in the first place'”.

Without being asked, Gorinsen went on to outline what he perceives as other unforgivable logic gaps.

“Rey spends hours sneaking around Death Star 3 without being detected. I hope she was thanking the Ewok gods that in their universe CCTV was never discovered. I’m assuming the research money was spent on hyperdrives and 3D chess sets instead. Then there’s the reality that 1970s fighter jets had better heat seeking missiles than anything I’ve ever seen in a Star Wars movie. And don’t even start me on how the Millennium Falcon sat for years in a scrap yard, started up first go for the first person who jumped in it and appears to never need to be refuelled. Either that refueling stop at Bespin was a doozy or the Millennium Falcon runs on Wookiee methane or film reviewer hyperbole.”

When asked what alternative plot devices he would have used, Gorinsen was to the point. “Time travel can solve any logic gap. Who doesn’t want to see a film where Jar Jar Binks, Wicket and Lumpy travel in time together to conceive Jabba The Hut in a sauna in some cantina? I’m paying for that and I’m not alone.”

When asked for his thoughts on the upcoming Episode 8, Gorinsen retained some hopefulness. “I hear Hayden Christensen is returning to the franchise. His depth as an actor, combined with a little more focus on long romance scenes, might just save what could end up a very mediocre trilogy otherwise.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Apple Consider Abu Dhabi for WWDC 2015


A visibly angry Apple CEO has hinted that its Worldwide Developers Conference (WWDC) may have a seismic shift in location. Tim Cook, who has helmed the tech behemoth since Steve Jobs’ passing, had one hand half clenched – the angriest body language ever witnessed.

The focus of his fury is the perceived hijacking of the significant announcements on iOS 8 and OSX Yosemite, by the leak of 45 photos from the set of Star Wars Episode VII, currently shooting in Abu Dhabi.

“How vacuous has the world become, where announcements on technology that outpaces anything Star Wars lore has ever come up with, is overtaken by some bad quality photos taken on a non-iPhone,” Mr Cook fumed.

sw-7-14-480w“There’s not one Death Star in those damn pics, but we just announced stuff that will kill half the cloud services in the known universe. And nil reportage of a million voices crying out in terror.”

When prompted on what a popular culture icon the Star Wars franchise has become, Cook was dismissive.

“We’ll see how iconic they are after we hit Abu Dhabi with a full sci-fi themed WWDC next year. And if JJ Abrams thinks his free iCloud storage limit expansion is continuing, he’s in for a hell of a surprise.”

“Oh and one other thing: are they calling this movie Star Wars: Return to Shelbyville? If that’s not a half-built monorail in a bunch of those those pics, I’ll eat an Android phone.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Star Wars Episode VII Caterer Feeling The Pressure


With shooting underway on Episode VII of the Star Wars franchise, the pressure has started to build on all involved. That pressure has already started to show for catering assistant Jeff Revan. A Star Wars fan of more than thirty years standing, Revan is not living the dream he’d envisioned as an employee of Lionel Savant Catering Services.

“Back in 2007 when I quit my job as a lawyer to get my catering qualification, it was part of my long-range plan to be involved in this movie.Who wouldn’t do that for the chance to be a part of history. What I didn’t realise was the direct impact I’d be having on the movie, and it’s scaring the hell out of me.”

Visibly shaken and emotional, Mr Revan outlined his first two weeks on set.

“The first couple of days it was great, seeing the smiles on the faces of production staff at the end of a nice lunch. Then one of the actors with a walk on line or two  made some off the cuff comment like ‘I hope those nachos are top notch Bill, my scene is shooting this afternoon’. It’s then I realised that if the nachos weren’t good, he may only give 95% in his performance and I’ll be responsible for it forever.”


Never has one stir-fry counted for so much

Revan went on at extreme length outlining the depth to which the original three movies had been analysed over the decades, with PhD theses on topics as varied as ‘The Epistemology of Bespin Political Oligarchy in The Empire Strikes Back’ and ‘Stormtroopers and Ewoks: Comic Relief or Fundamental Pedagogical Construct?’.

“My biggest fear is that I have one of the central characters come in for lunch when I’m serving. One less-than-stellar quinoa stroganoff supplied to Harrison or Carrie, and I spend the rest of my life seeing my work excoriated online. The caterers who worked on The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith have never worked in the industry again.”

When asked if he’d considered leaving the caterer, Revan’s answer was immediate.

“It’s too late for that. I spent the last year building up a Facebook page and Twitter profile as Sith Chef of Death Jeff. I’ve just got to make sure I do the best I can with the food. If someone gets food poisoning I just hope it’s one of the Gungans from the scenes they’re shooting next week.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

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