Joe Hockey Claims Unfairness with Bastard Roster


Joe Hockey today came out swinging after 24 hours of criticism for his comments around the Sydney housing market. Some sections of the community have balked at his claim that seeking a better job should be all that’s required to buy a house.

“Those criticising my comments are playing the man but they’re also not based on the full facts,” a firm but tearful Mr Hockey stated at a press conference this afternoon.

“A casual observer of politics might think as Treasurer that it’s my role to take some of the harder decisions. This is true to some extent, but there’s also an agreed expectation of all Ministers that they shoulder some of the less desirable aspects of policy decisions.”

Cory Bernardi - on another roster altogether

Cory Bernardi – on another roster altogether

When quizzed more closely on this, Mr Hockey broke down and admitted the existence of The Bastard Roster.

“Do you notice how it’s only Scott Morrison and I that cop multiple days on the roster each week? I’m usually on it every Tuesday and Thursday plus I cover Kevin Andrew’s days at least once a month because he gets in and covers his quota of bastardry early. So suddenly I’m public enemy number 1.”

When asked who wasn’t on the roster, Hockey continued to be angrily tearful. “Barnaby Joyce hasn’t done a single day. He asks Bronwyn Bishop to go on it most weeks, but she won’t move him over from the Blithering Idiot Roster. Malcolm Turnbull always agrees to his rostered days but never actually turns up. Chris Pyne used to be on the roster but enjoyed it so much he used to drown out any other messages the Government was trying to get out. The list goes on.”

Mr Hockey then launched into a fifteen minute defence of his ability to be a common man of the people, including a portfolio of testimonials from assorted finance industry executives and CEOs.

When asked if Tony Abbott was on the roster, Hockey was emphatic. “No way, he’s the PM. He’s a bastard 24/7, no roster required.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Joe Hockey: I Was Never Popular Anyway


Treasurer Joe Hockey has responded defiantly to opinion poll results showing his Government’s popularity has plummeted. Fronting the press gallery in Canberra, Hockey put his usual case for the recent Budget decisions, but added some further comments.

“For those who’d criticise the decisions we’ve made, I’ll say two things.

First, I’m used to making unpopular decisions – a Treasurer by definition has to make tough decisions, and I’ve been in Treasurer roles since 1975, when I was on Milsons Point Dungeons and Dragons Enthusiasts Committee. There’s nothing you can throw at me now that didn’t happen when I stopped the purchase of the Spelljammer campaign.


Joe Hockey (centre) gazes at his future: a mob of angry people coming to inflict their justice.

Second, I’m a son of a migrant. I have a tendency to being on the beefy side of the equation and used to wear a boater hat to my private school. Which parts of that equation do you think didn’t lead to the regular de-dakkings at the hand of the local yobs?”

When questioned by the media on what his childhood experiences had to do with the huge outcry against a range of the Budget measures, Hockey became even more animated.

“I made a pact back then, that I’d stand up for those who suffered for being different. This Budget does just that. It supports the minority of people who don’t think Two and a Half Men is quality TV, or those who try to get to the Opera and worry whether they’ll cop a rolling of the eyes from the busker at the bottom of the Opera House steps. I’m standing up for the hard working bloke who looks forward at the end of the week to a quiet video hook-up with their MBA buddies from University to compare careers and discuss mergers and acquisitions. Or the successful female executive who wastes an hour a day in airports pushing past hordes of bogans migrating to the next capital city’s discount warehouse precinct.

These people are the true underclass in our country and I’m proud to be addressing their long-standing grievances. I’ve been inundated from these people with messages of thanks for finally standing up for them, and if the odd person who takes pleasure in giving wedgies to kids in boaters happens to be on Newstart Allowance, then so be it.”

When pressed about whether he still played Dungeons and Dragons, Hockey admitted to still trotting out his Human Wizard for a game with Stephen Conroy during parliamentary sitting weeks.

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

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