Girlie wisdom

Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills.. she has 14 kids but doesn’t really care.

One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker’s.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like…’You know sometimes I forget to eat!’ ……..Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day!

SEND THIS TO 5 BRIGHT WOMEN YOU KNOW AND MAKE THEIR DAY!!!
LIVE SIMPLY…..LAUGH OFTEN….LOVE DEEPLY

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Bet the b****** told you I was speeding, too.

Welcome!

For years, I complained about the ceaseless barrage of jokes sent to me via email by friends and family. I’d get particularly frustrated if I received the same joke email multiple times over a short period of time. I’d be near screaming point if I got the same again joke 6 months later.

Then I realised that the fact it comes via email is nothing more than a different delivery method. Twenty years ago you’d hear the same joke over and over but would you punch the lights out of the person who relayed it for the seventh time. Ok – sometimes you probably did want to get violent but you know what I mean: at the end of it all, a joke is something that’s meant to make you happy. I’m the first to admit I’ve got some good laughs from email jokes.

Aside from that, I’ve always wondered who generates the jokes in the first place. For the particularly good ones, I want to keep them sometimes. I know there are hundreds of thousands of email inboxes worldwide with ‘Jokes’ folders. This site is the next step on from that: a growing repository of jokes if for some reason you want to relive some humour. I’d particularly love to hear from the creators of the jokes – if you honestly believe you started the joke you see, comment on that post and give some history.

If you’re wondering what order jokes are appearing – they’ll appear as I receive them myself. There’s no accounting for taste so even the jokes that just make you groan will be featured. That said, overtly racist jokes or ones that go beyond the pale aren’t likely to be posted.

So please enjoy, have a laugh or two, and I look forward to building a community of fun!

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