Male vs Female FBI Agents

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair… Kill her!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair!”

The Power of Hypnotism

Woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”
“No more headaches?” The husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat ‘I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.’ It worked. The headaches are all gone.”
His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?” The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, “Damn! That was wonderful!”
The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.” He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She’s not my wife.
She’s not my wife.
She’s not my wife.
His funeral service will be held on Saturday

The Dolphin Trainer

An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep. Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile, the son walks over to his father and says “Dad, I train Navy Seals, not dolphins”

Ducks In Heaven

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!’

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on …. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’ The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck’.

Unfair Police

I was once driving down the road. I went to light a cigarette and accidentally set my sleeve on fire.

Bloody cops pulled me over and fined me for having a fire arm without a license.

Sex Therapist

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

“We’re not trying to find out anything,” the husband replied. “She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare

Three captured soldiers are about to be executed by a firing squad

The first captured soldier is taken in front of the firing squad and is about to get killed.

That soldier gets clever and thinks of a plan: right before the enemies fire at him, he yells “EARTHQUAKE!.” The enemy firing squad gets confused for a moment thinking there’s an earthquake. By the time they realize it was a false alarm, the captured soldier had already escaped.

The second soldier is brought before the firing squad but is also quite clever. Right before the firing squad shoots him, he yells “FLOOD!” and everyone gets confused for a moment. He quickly escapes before they realize that it was also a false alarm.

The third soldier is now brought up against the firing squad. The third soldier realized he could escape the same way the other two soldiers escaped: giving a false alarm and tricking everyone into thinking there’s an emergency. As the firing squad prepares to shoot, the soldier yells “FIRE!”

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette…

..are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks ‘I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.’

The blonde thinks ‘I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.’

The Frenchman thinks ‘I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.’

The Englishman thinks ‘I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.’

Engineering Professors on a Plane

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”

“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start”

Trump and Merkel Intelligence Test

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

“How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?” asks Trump.

“Let me demonstrate.” She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, “Mr. Schäuble, it’s your father’s son, but is not your brother. Who is it?”

Without hesitation, Schäuble answers, “Quite simply, it’s me!” “You see,” Merkel tells Trump, “this is how I test people’s intelligence.”

Thrilled, Trump flies home, immediately calling his running mate, Mike Pence, to ask him the same question. “It’s your father’s son, but is not your brother. Who is it?”

After much back and forth, Pence says, “I have no idea, but I will try to find out the answer by tomorrow!” Pence just can’t figure it out and decides to seek advice from former President Obama. He calls him, “Mr. Obama, it’s your father’s son, but is not your brother. Who is it?” he asks Obama. “Easy, it’s me!”

Happy to have found the answer, Pence calls Trump and says triumphantly, “I have the answer, it’s Barack Obama!” Trump rages and says, “No you jackass, it’s Wolfgang Schäuble!”

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