Ducks In Heaven

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!’

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on …. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’ The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck’.

Unfair Police

I was once driving down the road. I went to light a cigarette and accidentally set my sleeve on fire.

Bloody cops pulled me over and fined me for having a fire arm without a license.

Sex Therapist

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

“We’re not trying to find out anything,” the husband replied. “She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare

Three captured soldiers are about to be executed by a firing squad

The first captured soldier is taken in front of the firing squad and is about to get killed.

That soldier gets clever and thinks of a plan: right before the enemies fire at him, he yells “EARTHQUAKE!.” The enemy firing squad gets confused for a moment thinking there’s an earthquake. By the time they realize it was a false alarm, the captured soldier had already escaped.

The second soldier is brought before the firing squad but is also quite clever. Right before the firing squad shoots him, he yells “FLOOD!” and everyone gets confused for a moment. He quickly escapes before they realize that it was also a false alarm.

The third soldier is now brought up against the firing squad. The third soldier realized he could escape the same way the other two soldiers escaped: giving a false alarm and tricking everyone into thinking there’s an emergency. As the firing squad prepares to shoot, the soldier yells “FIRE!”

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette…

..are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks ‘I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.’

The blonde thinks ‘I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.’

The Frenchman thinks ‘I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.’

The Englishman thinks ‘I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.’

Engineering Professors on a Plane

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”

“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start”

Trump and Merkel Intelligence Test

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

“How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?” asks Trump.

“Let me demonstrate.” She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, “Mr. Schäuble, it’s your father’s son, but is not your brother. Who is it?”

Without hesitation, Schäuble answers, “Quite simply, it’s me!” “You see,” Merkel tells Trump, “this is how I test people’s intelligence.”

Thrilled, Trump flies home, immediately calling his running mate, Mike Pence, to ask him the same question. “It’s your father’s son, but is not your brother. Who is it?”

After much back and forth, Pence says, “I have no idea, but I will try to find out the answer by tomorrow!” Pence just can’t figure it out and decides to seek advice from former President Obama. He calls him, “Mr. Obama, it’s your father’s son, but is not your brother. Who is it?” he asks Obama. “Easy, it’s me!”

Happy to have found the answer, Pence calls Trump and says triumphantly, “I have the answer, it’s Barack Obama!” Trump rages and says, “No you jackass, it’s Wolfgang Schäuble!”

School Photos: The Reality

Before becoming a parent, I thought School Photo Days were straightforward, a fella takes a picture of your kid at school, you buy a copy from them for a few quid. ..

Nope.

– Hi there, we’ve taken a picture of your kid at school and wondered if you’d like one?

– Oh, ok, yeah I’ll take one.

– Well.. we don’t do single photos we do ‘packages’.

– Ok, what’s the most basic package?

– That would be Package One. It’s one normal-sized photo and 42 wallet-sized photos.

– Well, that’s shite, I don’t know 42 people. I certainly don’t know 42 people who own a wallet. And I definitely don’t know 42 people who are weird enough to carry around a picture of someone else’s kid in their wallet.

– They’re great for passport photos.

– 42!? How many passports do you think he needs? He’s six, not f*ing Bond.

– OK, well Package Two is one of our bestsellers.

– What’s that?

– That’s 20 photos, all really awkward sizes, either too small to frame or too big to give to relatives without it being weird.

– Great. ..Package Three?

– That’s Package Two plus a snow-globe and a 6-foot canvas for your living room wall.

– Jesus, no.

– Look just give me the cheapest.. Package One.

– Certainly.

– Is that it? Can I pay now?

– Tea towel?

– What?

– Tea towel?

– Are you taking the piss? Why the bloody hell would I want a tea towel with a picture of my kid gurning on it? It’d be like drying the pots with the Turin Shroud. I’ll just take the..

– Cushion?

– No.- Mug?

– No.

– 6 foot cardboard cut-out.

– NO.

– What about a hot air balloon? They’re twenty feet wide and we’ll tether it to your back fence.

– Wha..?

– They’re very popular.

– No.

– We can project your kid’s face on to the moon?

– Why would you..?

– What about one of those big, blow-up, wavey -hands things you get outside car dealerships?

– NO.

– We’ll tattoo their face onto a pig?

– JESUS CHRIST!?, what is wrong with you people!? Look, just send me the shitty wallet package.

– No problem. Package One. That’ll be 45 quid please.

– What the bloody..!? Are you hand-painting each one!? I’m not paying that.

– Well, its memories isn’t it. And they are only young once, aren’t they? And you can’t get this time back and..

– ..Fine. …and give me one of those f*ing tea towels as well.

My Grandma’s Toilet Sign

On the back of the toilet door:

Call a spade a spade,

And don’t be funny,

Our Toilet’s a Lav,

And Sometime a Dunny.

Don’t waste the paper,

Don’t stay too long,

Or somebody’s ‘works’,

will go all wrong.

Elderly Aches and Pains

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. “My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee” said one.

“Yes, I know” said another. “My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee”.

“I couldn’t even mark an ‘X’ at election time, my hands are so crippled” volunteered a third.

“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you!” said a fourth.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck” said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!” exclaimed another.

“I forget where I am, and where I’m going” said an elderly gent.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

“Well, count your blessings” said one woman cheerfully.

“Thankfully, we can all still drive”.

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