Elderly Aches and Pains

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. “My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee” said one.

“Yes, I know” said another. “My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee”.

“I couldn’t even mark an ‘X’ at election time, my hands are so crippled” volunteered a third.

“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you!” said a fourth.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck” said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!” exclaimed another.

“I forget where I am, and where I’m going” said an elderly gent.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

“Well, count your blessings” said one woman cheerfully.

“Thankfully, we can all still drive”.

Brothers in Business

Two brothers jointly owned a business and both were wise in worldly ways. While dying, one brother instructed his sibling to put half of their combined wealth into the grave with the casket.

The brother reluctantly agreed.

In time his brother died.

At the graveside ceremony the living brother wrote a cheque for half of their assets and placed it in the casket.

The Irish Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife’s.”

”What happened to her?”
“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”

He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”

The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

“Can I borrow the dog?”

The man replied, “Get in line.”

George’s Solicitor

George had responded to a call from his solitors, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer’s firm, and was ushered into his office.

“Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer asked.

“Well, if those are my choices, I guess I’ll take the bad news first”.

“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars”.

“That’s the bad news?” George was stunned? “If you call that bad, I can’t wait to hear the terrible news”.

“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary”.

Fred and Bill Play Golf

There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. Bill’s wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game.

But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired.

His wife asked “What’s the matter, Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now”.

Bill said “Well, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole”.

“My God, honey!” said the wife, rushing to comfort him. “That must’ve been terrible!”

“It was” he said. “All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again…”

Blue Velvet Joke

One day, 7-year-old Little Johnny is on the playground, when he overhears two older boys talking about “Blue Velvet”. Being an inquisitive sort, Little Johnny walks up to them and asks them “What’s Blue Velvet?”
They proceed to kick his ass.

The recess teacher sees Little Johnny bruised, bloody, and crying. She asks him “What happened, Little Johnny?” to which he replies “Those older boys beat me up, just because I asked them what Blue Velvet is”. “As well they should have!” she states. “Get your ass to the Principal’s office, right now!”

Confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny goes to the Principal’s office.
“Now son, just what happened?” “Well, sir, two older boys beat me up, and then the recess teacher sent me to you, all because I asked what Blue Velvet is”. “Little Johnny, you are expelled. Get the hell out of my school!”

Expelled, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders home at midday. His mother answers the door, exclaiming “What happened?!” “I was beat up, yelled at, and expelled from school, all for asking what “Blue Velvet” is”. Little Johnny’s Mother slams the door in his face. From behind the closed door she yells “You’re never welcome in this home again!”

Homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders along Main Street wondering what to do, when a Policeman pulls up. “Get in” he says. Little Johnny does so, and as they start driving, the Policeman asks what happened. “Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled from school, and thrown out of my home, all because I wanted to know what Blue Velvet is”.
The Policeman brings the car to a screeching halt, and throws Little Johnny out, saying “You are no longer welcome in this town. Don’t let me catch you around here again!”

Banished, homeless, confused, scared, bruised, bloody, and crying, Little Johnny wanders the highway on the edge of town, when a trucker pulls over and motions him into the cab.
As they drive away, the Trucker asks what happened. “Well, sir, I got beat up, yelled at, expelled, thrown out of my home, and banished from my town, all for asking what Blue Velvet is”.

“Is that so?” says the Trucker. “Well, hell, I can tell you what Blue Velvet is”.

“Really?”
“Sure”.

The Trucker stops the truck. “See that Hotel over there on the other side of the Highway? If you go into that Hotel, go up to the Third Floor, walk down the hallway, and knock on the second door on the right, there’s a woman in there who can tell you exactly what Blue Velvet is”.

“Gee, Thanks, Mister!” replies Little Johnny, smiling for the first time all day.

Little Johnny jumps down out of the truck and runs across the Highway when *BAM* he is hit by a car and killed instantly.

The moral of the story? Always look both ways before crossing the street.

Gonorrhoea vs Diarrhoea

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly

“You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea”.

Replied the widow “Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh#t that he really was”

Pay Negotiations

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources rep asked a young engineer fresh out of university “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The engineer said “In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package”.

The interviewer said “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 week’s vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years… say, a BMW?”

The engineer sat up straight and said “Wow! Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replied “Yeah, but you started it”.

Do Males or Females Enjoy Sex More?

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”

“That doesn’t prove anything” the woman countered. “Think about this… when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?”

Bank Robbery Buddies

Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered.

Not only did the thieves clean out the cash registers, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in.

Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said “By the way, Joe, here’s that twenty bucks I owe you”.

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