Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say “congratulations” but none of them rub your dick and say “well done”?

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything. I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was “How are you getting on?”

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby “Is this yours?” she asked. “Probably.” said Paddy “She burns everything else!”

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can’t drive!

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist “Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?” “No,” she replies “it’s just regular porn you sick bastard.”

A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a moustache!”

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. “Can you describe the symptoms to me?” asked the doctor. “Yes.. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair.”

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