Archives for 2013

Best Toast Of The Night

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !” That won him the top prize at the pub for the Best Toast of the Night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best Toast of the Night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.”

Where’s the Money?

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would
therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is.”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are
talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says,

“Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Sexy Parking

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ……. back and forth ….. back and forth ….. in and out ….. in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding … her face was flushed … then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
“OK, OK! I can’t park the bloody car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!”

Nightclub Dress Code

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Malaysian, a Chinese, a Portuguese, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, and an African went to a night club…

The bouncer said: “Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai. “

Lie Detector

  A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, “I did some schoolwork.” The robot slaps the son.
The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”
Dad asks, “What movie did you watch ?”
Son says, “Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son.
Son says, “Ok, Ok we were watching porn.”

Dad says, “What?

At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.”
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “Well he certainly is your son .”
The robot slaps the mother.

End of Story

P.S.    Robot For Sale

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

‘Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.’

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, ‘I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.’ Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’

(I just love this)??

‘For F*-#?? sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!’

Dog For Sale

A man sees a sign outside a house – ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

“Do you really talk?” he asks the dog.

“Yes,” the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, “So, tell me your story.”

The Labrador looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years”.

“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals”.

“Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired.”

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

“Ten quid,” the owner says.

“£10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”

“Because he’s a lying bastard, he’s never been out of the garden.”

2013 Mental Health Symposium in Second Life

virtual-abilitySome more great work from Virtual Ability, Inc, with this Saturday seeing a Mental Health Symposium. You can find out more on the Virtual Ability blog but here’s the schedule:

Will you Treat ME?  Funding mental health care treatment – now and under the Affordable Health Care Act
KEYNOTE PRESENTATION
Presenter: Jayme Nelson, RN, MS (SL Avatar: Jayme Xaris)
Saturday April 27, 2013 7-8 am PDT

Sudden Violent Loss: Its Impact on Every Member of the Community
Presenter: Deborah Houston-Schrenzel (SL Avatar: Brede McDonnell)
Saturday April 27, 2013 10-11 am PDT

Poetry and Mental Health
Readers: Eliza Madrigal, Zen Arado, Szavannah Resident
Saturday April 27, 2013 11:30am-12:30pm PDT

Introducing the Whole Brain Health Fair to Second Life
Presenter: Lissena Resident
Saturday April 27, 2013 1-2pm PDT

Exploring New Ways of Evaluating Mental Capacity of Seniors
Presenter: Kara Bennett, Ph. D. (SL Avatar: Dancers Yao)
Saturday, April 27, 2013 2:30-3:30pm PDT

Herbal Medicine and Mental Health
Presenter: Richard Roth (SL Avatar: Farm Gartenberg)
Saturday, April 27, 2013 4-5pm PDT

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics – no go.

Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.

Thumbs Down

Then came Minds and Behinds – still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes – unacceptable again!

So they tried Nuts and Butts – no way. Freaks and Cheeks – still no good. Loons and Moons – forget it . Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones – Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it.

Is This Yours?

Paddy says to Mick “I found this pen, is it yours?”

Mick replies “Don’t know, give it here.” He then writes on a piece of paper and says, “Yes it is”

Paddy asks “How do you know?”

Mick replies, “That’s my handwriting”

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