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Friday Phunnies

June 6, 2013 by Leave a Comment

 

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’

‘It is!’

‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’

‘I can!’ 

‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’

‘I do!’

‘Is he a member of your congregation?’

‘He is!’

‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’

‘He will.’

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had se x with each of them three times.’

Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’

Man: ‘What sins?’

Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’

Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’

Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’

Man: ‘I’m 92 years old . . . . I’m telling everybody!’

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

‘I’m 90 years old,’ he says.

’90?’ replies the woman. ‘Don’t you realize you’ve had it?’

‘Oh, sorry,’ says the old man. ‘How much do I owe you?’

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, ‘Doc, I think I’m getting senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.’ ‘That’s not senility,’ replied the doctor. ‘Senility is when you forget to zip down.’

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. ‘Who are you?’ he asked him.

‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator. 
 ‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.

‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.

‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards! ‘

Marriage Humour 

Wife:        ‘What are you doing?’

Husband:    Nothing.

Wife:        ‘Nothing . . . ?  You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’

Husband:   ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’

——————————-

Wife :       ‘Do you want dinner?’

Husband:     ‘Sure! What are my choices?’

Wife:      ‘Yes or no.’

——————————————————–
Stress Reliever

Girl:     ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’

Boy:     ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’

Girl:     ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’

——————————
Son:     ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’

Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’

Son:     ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’

‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’

————————————————————

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’

Husbands are husbands 

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied , ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’. The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’ The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Sex, The Gender Wars

Lie Detector

May 8, 2013 by Leave a Comment
  A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, “I did some schoolwork.” The robot slaps the son.
The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”
Dad asks, “What movie did you watch ?”
Son says, “Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son.
Son says, “Ok, Ok we were watching porn.”

Dad says, “What?
At your age I didn’t even know what porn was.”
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “Well he certainly is your son .”
The robot slaps the mother.

End of Story

P.S.    Robot For Sale
Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Best Rock Cover Band Opening Songs

October 31, 2012 by Leave a Comment

If like me you’ve been in a rock covers band or three, you’ll know that the first song of the night is important for a couple of reasons. First, if there’s an audience there, it’s the initial impression that can sometimes set the tone for the whole gig. Second, whether you’ve had a good sound check or not, it’s the time for your sound person to get their levels right.

For the hell of it, I thought I throw together a list of what I think are great rock songs a band could open with and make a big impression. I’ve kept it 1970s to today, and it’s all obviously subjective. I’d love to hear your thoughts in comments of opening songs you’ve had that have gone down a treat.

One other disclaimer: some of this songs would require a major commitment to pull off well – personally I think there needs to be more of that approach as it gets too easy to decide to play Sweet Home Alabama or Mustang Sally instead…

Here we go, in no particular order:

1. John Mellencamp – I Need A Lover

The album version of this song gives every member of the band a chance to jump in boots and all:

 

2. Hothouse Flowers – Hardstone City

The Hothouse Flowers themselves have opened with this and for good reason – it kicks arse:

3. Boy and Bear – Feeding Line

If you’re outside of Australia you may not know this song. Even so, have a listen and tell me it wouldn’t make a good opener:

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4. U2 – Where The Streets Have No Name

A worthy inclusion although I doubt a lot of bands actually cover this:

5. The Who You Better – You Bet

Not for the faint hearted – particularly if you play bass, but what a song:

6. The Killers – Somebody Told Me

’nuff said:

7. REM – Me In Honey

This is a bit of a left field REM choice but it’s always made a great impression on me as a potential opening song – particularly if you have both a male and female vocalist.

8. Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band – My Love Will Not Let You Down

If it’s good enough for The Boss to open his 10th night at New York’s Madison Square Garden in 2000, it’s good enough for me. Also watch the clip to see a true band master at work:

9. Spacehog – In The Meantime

10. Fountains of Wayne – Stacy’s Mom

Some will argue this is definitely saved for later in the night but it has a good place as an opener:

The Impossible Dream: Dave Matthews Band -Drive in Drive Out

If you’re in a cover band that can pull this one off, I hope you’re aware you have a very bright future. Drummers in particular should listen to this one from start to finish:

Over to you: what openers have worked well for you?

Filed Under: General Tech, General Tech, Music Tagged With: ,

Irish Extreme Sports

October 27, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they
walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to
Paddy, ‘Dat’s dem.’

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
‘Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies
in dat cage up dere,’ says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry’s truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, ‘Dis looks like a grand place.’

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry
falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal,
Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘Fook dat.

Dis budgie jumping is too fook’n dangerous for me!’

THERE’S MORE…

Moments later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He’s been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

‘Hi, Paddy, watch dis,’ Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff
with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes
the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down
until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone
in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘And I’m
never trying dat parrotshooting either!’

IT IS NOT OVER, YET…

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing
two friends when Sean appears.

He’s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and
down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

‘Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting… And now, Sean and his fook’n hengliding!’

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor, Geographic

Project to Improve Graphics Rendering in Second Life

August 17, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Via Linden Lab

 

One of the challenges that virtual world creators face is the trade-off between rich visual detail and geometric complexity. Ideally, by adding more and smaller faces to an object, a designer can model different surface textures and create realistic variations in the interplay of light and shadow. However, adding faces also quickly increases the size of the model and its rendering cost. Normal and Specular Maps are ways to address this by allowing for the appearance of a complex surface without actually modeling fine scale geometry.

A Normal Map is an image where the color codes indicate how the renderer should reflect light from each pixel on a surface by modifying the direction that the pixel “faces” (imagine that each pixel could be turned on tiny pivots). This means that pixels on a simple surface can be rendered so that they appear to have much more detail than the actual geometry and at much lower rendering cost. Light and shadow are rendered as though the surface had depth and physical texture, simulating roughness, bumps, and even edges and additional faces.

Similarly, a Specular Map allows each pixel to have its own degree of reflectivity, so that some parts of a single face reflect sharply, while adjacent pixels can be dull.

 

The open source developers of the Exodus Viewer are contributing Viewer support for Normal and Specular Maps, as well as some additional controls for how light reflects from faces. Linden Lab is developing the server side support so that this powerful tool will be available in Second Life.

 

Design and development are under way. Watch this blog and the Snowstorm Viewers page for information on when test Viewers with these new capabilities become available.

 

For additional information, or to learn more about how you can participate in the open source program, please contact Oz@lindenlab.com.

Filed Under: General News, Virtual Worlds Tagged With: ,

The Lamest Bar Jokes Ever

August 16, 2012 by Leave a Comment

1. -A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go the bartender shouts “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!” The panda yells back at the bartender “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!” The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves”.

2. -A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. “Do you serve tax collectors?” he asks the barman. “Of course” says the bartender. “Well” replies the man “I’ll have a beer and my alligator will have a tax collector!”

3. -Bacon and eggs walk into a bar after a long day of being Bacon and Eggs. They walk up to the bartender and ask for a beer. The bartender takes one look at them and says “Sorry fellas, we don’t serve breakfast”.

4. -A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says “I’m sorry we don’t serve poultry”. The chicken replies “That’s okay, I only want a drink”.

5. -A man walks into a bar, climbs up on a stool, opens a bag and proceeds to stuff his ears with whipped cream and to spread strawberries in his hair. The bartender watches this performance with amazement before asking “What would you like to drink?” “You’ll have to speak up” replies the man. “I’m a trifle, hard of hearing”.

6. -A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maître d’ that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. He goes into the bar and the bartender asks “What’ll it be?” The man replies “Give me a Stoli with a twist”. The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says “Once upon time was four little pig”.

7. -185 cakes walk into a bar. The bartender shouts “Get out! We don’t serve your kind here!” To which the cakes reTORT “Where else should we go?” And don’t move an inch. The bartender, tired of being egged on, replies “I don’t care, I think there’s a place yeast of here!”

8. -So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says “I’ m sorry but I can’t serve you”.”Why not?” asks the snake. The bartender says “Because you can’t hold your liquor”.

9. -Drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a ‘very’ buxom lady a few seats down. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady’s breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him. He’s lying on the floor and moans “Why do you let the bartender do it?” “Because he has a liquor license!”

10. -This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Four bucks” says the bartender. “Put it on my bill”.

11. -Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender says to them “We don’t serve your kind in here”. One of the yogurt cartons says back to him “Why not? We’re cultured individuals”.

12. -I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

13. -A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind here”. The mushroom replies “Aww c’mon. I’m a fungi”.

14. -A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03pm. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” “No I’m sorry” replied the bartender “It’s a hickory daiquiri, doc”.

15. -A man walks into a bar, sits down and tells the bartender “Hey give me a free drink”. The bartender looks at him and asks “Why should I give you a free drink?” The customer reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny, 10 inch man and sets him carefully on the counter. The bartender is amazed and says “Okay that’s worth a free drink” and proceeds to pour him one. After the customer finishes, he asks for another free drink. The bartender tells him his little man was really cool but was only worth one drink. The customer then reaches into another pocket and pulled out a tiny piano and a bar stool and the 10-inch man sits down and plays a beautiful melody. The bartender listens and says “That’s great, but it’s not worth a free drink”. “Okay” the customer says and pulls out a genie lamp. “Rub this and you can have any wish you want”. He does, the genie appears, and the bartender asks for a million bucks”. Suddenly a million ducks appear. “Hey! I asked for a million bucks, not a million DUCKS!” “That’s okay… I didn’t ask for a 10-inch pianist either!”

16. -A baby seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal what he would like. The seal responds “Anything but Canadian Club on ice!”

17. -A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”

18. -A dog limps into a bar and says “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

19. -Two men walk into a bar. You would have thought the second one would have seen the first one do it.

20. -A duck walks into a bar and asks “Got any crackers?” Bar tender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks “Got any crackers?” Bar tender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers? Bar tender says “I told you yesterday and the day before that I don’t and if you ask that one more time I’ll nail your beak shut!” Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks “Got any nails?” bar tender says no. Duck says “Good. Got any crackers?”

21. -A football and a baseball walk into a bar. The football says “You’re round!”

22. -A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he could have some vodka and orange juice. The bartender brings the drink back to the grasshopper and says “You know, we have a drink named after you”. The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Irving…?”

23. -Man walks into a bar and shows the bartender a mouse and a frog. He tells him that the frog plays the piano and the mouse sings. A man sitting nearby overhears this and tells the man he will buy the frog and the mouse for $50. The man accepts, the second man takes the frog and the mouse and leaves. The bartender says “You sold that pair for only 50 bucks? That’s too little, you’re a loser!” The man snickered and said “Nahh I’m not, he is, the frog is a ventriloquist”

24. -A guy walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a sip from each of them in order. The bartender says” Why don’t you have one at a time, they begin to go flat as soon as I dispense it?” “Well” the guy says “When my brothers and I split up we promised to always drink like this to remember the times when we used to drink together”. The bartender thinks this is a nice tradition and doesn’t say any more. The guy becomes a regular always ordering 3 beers. Then one day he orders only 2. The bartender doesn’t know what to say but then says “My condolences on your loss”. “Why do you say that?” “Well” the bartender replies “I had thought something may have happened to one of your brothers. I feared the worst!” The guy laughs and says “My brothers are fine… it’s just that my wife made me quit drinking!”

25. -A group of blondes walk into a bar shouting and cheering “Yeah, 31! Let’s hear it for 31!” They order a round of drinks, continuing toasting each other and the number 31. After about 15 minutes of this the bartender is starting to get really annoyed. “What’s the deal about 31?” he asks the girls. One of them turns to him and says “We bought a puzzle that said 2-4 years and we finished it in 31 DAYS!!!”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Daden Unveil Oopal

June 27, 2012 by 1 Comment

Oopal (pronounced oo-pull) is Daden’s latest offering: a web-based editor allowing you to place and edit objects in a 2D environment, which will then roll out to the 3D environment (currently OpenSim and Second Life with Unity3D support coming in the next 6 months). Watch this brief walkthrough video to check it out for yourself:

OOPAL Quick Introduction from DadenMedia on Vimeo.

The full press release from Daden:

Birmingham UK, 27th June 2012: Educators and trainers can now create engaging immersive learning exercises more easily and rapidly using an innovative web-based application called OOPAL, developed by learning and visualisation specialists Daden Limited.

OOPAL (Object Orientated Practice and Learning) lets educators and trainers with little technical knowledge use the web to build 3D sets from an existing library of objects, and create, edit and manage the scenarios and simulations entirely from the web. Only when they’re ready to deploy do they need to enter the 3D virtual world and “push the button” to materialise the sets and exercises ready for students to use. With OOPAL, educators – and even students – can create and maintain worth-while learning experiences without needing to be virtual world experts.

Daden have been creating immersive learning experiences since 2008. Built on the success of their award winning virtual learning authoring software PIVOTE, Daden’s second generation system, OOPAL, makes exercise creation and maintenance significantly simpler – making it easier to involve tutors and even students in the design and build process.

David Burden, Daden’s Managing Director says “We found that the easiest way to describe immersive learning experiences was in terms of a drama – thinking about actors and props, the script and their behaviours rather than abstract concepts like nodes and links – and we’ve designed OOPAL to reflect that – considerably easing the process from exercise design to implementation.”

A key feature of OOPAL is that it allows educators to lay out the 3D environment using a simple 2D “kitchen designer” type layout tool. Drawing from a library of props and virtual actors, educators can assign behaviours to each object – how they will react when touched, pushed, spoken to or approached. Dialogues can even be assigned to the virtual actors for use within the simulation. Users can build just a single room or even a whole environment. What’s more – once they have built their set and simulation they can create multiple copies in their virtual world – again at the touch of a button.

Fundamental to the use of OOPAL, within a professional learning environment, is its ability to log and time-stamp every student interaction within the exercise. This can be reviewed within OOPAL, or exported in whole or part to a VLE or LMS. OOPAL also supports scoring mechanisms for in-exercise feedback.

David says “One of the obstacles in the adoption of immersive environments for learning has been the need for educators to be experts – not in their field of study but in building within virtual worlds. OOPAL dramatically reduces that barrier and gives educators and trainers the tools to create real-world learning experiences for their learners in a 3D environment”.

OOPAL can be accessed as a cloud-hosted service from Daden, or installed on an organisations’ own servers. OOPAL currently enables exercises to be developed in both OpenSim and Second Life. Daden plan to release a version for the Unity3D, and a web/iPad player in the next six months.

So what do you think? My initial impression from watching the video is that it would simplify things to some extent though the technical knowledge required is perhaps still a little high for some people. Personally I’ll be really keen to see the Unity version to see what it brings to the fray.

Filed Under: Alternatives, General News, Virtual Worlds Tagged With: ,

Mini Diablo 3 Help Guide

May 16, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Like the odd few hundred thousand others, I jumped into Diablo 3 at launch. It’s quite a bit of fun, but it’s also very challenging in parts. I thought as I went through I document some key strategies / tips to get you past particular hurdles.

So read on below if you’re stuck! This post will grow as I progress through: apologies to non-players for this short interruption to normal programming.

The Weeping Hollow: how do I defeat the group of Grotesque?

This took a couple of goes but basically you just need to down one of them and when it explodes into corpse worms, the others die as well. So just target one and you should be fine.

The Weeping Hollow: where is the Cemetery of the Forsaken?

Head north-east of the initial checkpoint – there is a path, follow that for quite a while and you’ll eventually hit the entrance.

Defiled Crypt: how do I defeat the monsters that appear out of the funerary urn?

It depends on your class but any AoE option you have might work. I had to change my Wizard’s primary mouse skill over to an AoE one to win out.

Cathedral: how do I defeat the Skeleton King??

This is the not surprisingly the most challenging fight of Act I. As a Wizard I died a good 15 times before I got the winning strategy, which was: constantly spamming Diamond Skin as soon it was off cool down. In between I used Magic Missile on the Skeleton King until the extra skeleton mobs spawn, then I used Arcane Orb to kill them all as quickly as possible as they drop healing orbs that you’ll need to keep going. Once you get that routine down, it’s just rinse and repeat. For all classes, just ensure you kill the extra mobs asap, and of course have your Templar with you.

 Alcarnus: how do I defeat Maghda? 

Ok there’s a few things you need to do to keep yourself alive. First, avoid the swarms of insects she sends out by running away / dodging them. Second, when she summons the Thralls, concentrate on them as they drop health globes. Then it’s pretty much rinse and repeat.

The Vestibule of Light: how do I defeat Iskatu?

Thanks to a hint from this video, I worked out that changing my skills over to Archon form as a Wizard allowed me to easily defeat him but focusing my Disintegration Wave on him. For other classes you basically need to find the best skill combo you have that minimises damage while you pound away.

Filed Under: Gaming Worlds, Virtual Worlds Tagged With:

RFID Blocking Wallet

March 10, 2012 by Leave a Comment


There’s some seriously scary stuff out there in the world — from bird flu and terrorism to depleting our planet of natural resources. There’s not a lot that the average person can do about much of the things that may keep us up at night. Luckily, there’s one scary prospect on the horizon that we can help with — and it doesn’t require lining your pants with aluminum foil! Aren’t you lucky?Imagine if you will, some of these possible real-life scenarios:A shadowy character crouches unseen in the bushes. He doesn’t have a gun or a knife, but he has a laptop. He watches as his prey walks by. Invisible radio waves emitting from the credit-card in his wallet get picked up by the laptop, recorded, and saved onto a cloned card. For all intents and purposes, this man becomes you, and has decided to go shopping.Or maybe he picked up the passkey that lets you into your office building. With ease, he can now walk into your secure office building and steal your company’s equipment. The next morning, security guards are waiting in your cube to have a chat.The nightmare scenario was brought forth recently – a bomb lies waiting in a garbage can. Sensitive electronics read the identification cards and passports of the people who walk by, waiting until somebody of your nationality comes close…It’s a scary world out there. Credit card companies and governments are putting RFID chips in your cards and identification, sometimes without your knowledge. Protect yourself and your money with a wallet that specifically inhibits those radio frequencies from escaping until you pull your card out. Did we mention you don’t need to put foil in your pants? It’s important to us that you know that you do NOT have to put foil in your pants. Very important. No foil. In your pants… none… zip… nada.
Via www.thinkgeek.com

Filed Under: General Tech, Quick snippets from the web

Growing old, kicking and screaming

February 28, 2012 by Leave a Comment

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure..’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks
‘No, I can remember it..’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where’s my toast ?’

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’

‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’

Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’

A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’

‘ Twelve thirty..’

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

Filed Under: Age, Email Joke Graveyard

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