Archives for October 2012

Who says bikers aren’t sensitive

On October 9th, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding west when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Police, and says: “What are you doing?”

She says: “I’m going to commit suicide.”

While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” he didn’t want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked: … “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the Police, and says: “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”

It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Best Rock Cover Band Opening Songs

If like me you’ve been in a rock covers band or three, you’ll know that the first song of the night is important for a couple of reasons. First, if there’s an audience there, it’s the initial impression that can sometimes set the tone for the whole gig. Second, whether you’ve had a good sound check or not, it’s the time for your sound person to get their levels right.

For the hell of it, I thought I throw together a list of what I think are great rock songs a band could open with and make a big impression. I’ve kept it 1970s to today, and it’s all obviously subjective. I’d love to hear your thoughts in comments of opening songs you’ve had that have gone down a treat.

One other disclaimer: some of this songs would require a major commitment to pull off well – personally I think there needs to be more of that approach as it gets too easy to decide to play Sweet Home Alabama or Mustang Sally instead…

Here we go, in no particular order:

1. John Mellencamp – I Need A Lover

The album version of this song gives every member of the band a chance to jump in boots and all:

2. Hothouse Flowers – Hardstone City

The Hothouse Flowers themselves have opened with this and for good reason – it kicks arse:

3. Boy and Bear – Feeding Line

If you’re outside of Australia you may not know this song. Even so, have a listen and tell me it wouldn’t make a good opener:

4. U2 – Where The Streets Have No Name

A worthy inclusion although I doubt a lot of bands actually cover this:

5. The Who You Better – You Bet

Not for the faint hearted – particularly if you play bass, but what a song:

6. The Killers – Somebody Told Me

’nuff said:

7. REM – Me In Honey

This is a bit of a left field REM choice but it’s always made a great impression on me as a potential opening song – particularly if you have both a male and female vocalist.

8. Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band – My Love Will Not Let You Down

If it’s good enough for The Boss to open his 10th night at New York’s Madison Square Garden in 2000, it’s good enough for me. Also watch the clip to see a true band master at work:

9. Spacehog – In The Meantime

10. Fountains of Wayne – Stacy’s Mom

Some will argue this is definitely saved for later in the night but it has a good place as an opener:

The Impossible Dream: Dave Matthews Band -Drive in Drive Out

If you’re in a cover band that can pull this one off, I hope you’re aware you have a very bright future. Drummers in particular should listen to this one from start to finish:

Over to you: what openers have worked well for you?

Irish Extreme Sports

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they
walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to
Paddy, ‘Dat’s dem.’

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
‘Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies
in dat cage up dere,’ says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry’s truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, ‘Dis looks like a grand place.’

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry
falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal,
Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘Fook dat.

Dis budgie jumping is too fook’n dangerous for me!’

THERE’S MORE…

Moments later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He’s been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

‘Hi, Paddy, watch dis,’ Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff
with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes
the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down
until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone
in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘And I’m
never trying dat parrotshooting either!’

IT IS NOT OVER, YET…

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing
two friends when Sean appears.

He’s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and
down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

‘Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting… And now, Sean and his fook’n hengliding!’

Times Tables Worksheet to Download and Print

In the past week my daughter needed me to print off a times tables worksheet of the twelve times tables. There are a bunch of online but none exactly what I was after. So I did my own. Here’s a shot of what it looks like:

Times Tables Worksheet

You can download the PDF for yourself for free by clicking here:

Times Tables – PDF Format

Enjoy and I hope it helps your kids learn those damn times tables. I still get a little bemused that in the 21st century this is still such a central focus but I suppose it does provide a foundation to a lot of other stuff, although there’s some debate still going on in regard to maths literacy.

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