Three captured soldiers are about to be executed by a firing squad

The first captured soldier is taken in front of the firing squad and is about to get killed.

That soldier gets clever and thinks of a plan: right before the enemies fire at him, he yells “EARTHQUAKE!.” The enemy firing squad gets confused for a moment thinking there’s an earthquake. By the time they realize it was a false alarm, the captured soldier had already escaped.

The second soldier is brought before the firing squad but is also quite clever. Right before the firing squad shoots him, he yells “FLOOD!” and everyone gets confused for a moment. He quickly escapes before they realize that it was also a false alarm.

The third soldier is now brought up against the firing squad. The third soldier realized he could escape the same way the other two soldiers escaped: giving a false alarm and tricking everyone into thinking there’s an emergency. As the firing squad prepares to shoot, the soldier yells “FIRE!”

Wrong Email Address

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.
He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008
I know you’re surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Very hot down here!

Blue Funeral Suit

A bereaved wife went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him, she started to cry. The undertaker walked over to provide some comfort in this sombre moment.

Through her tears, she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, although she couldn’t afford to buy him any new clothes.
The undertaker apologised and explained that traditionally, they always dress the bodies in black, but he’d see what he could do at such short notice.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral. When the undertaker pulled back the curtain, she managed to smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart new blue suit.

She says to the undertaker, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”

“Well, yesterday afternoon just after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she wanted him to be buried in black,” the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled thankfully at the undertaker.

He continued, “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads.”

Who says bikers aren’t sensitive

On October 9th, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding west when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Police, and says: “What are you doing?”

She says: “I’m going to commit suicide.”

While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” he didn’t want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked: … “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the Police, and says: “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”

It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

A homeless man’s funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently I’m still lost … it’s a man thing.

Death in the family

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asks her sympathetically, “whatever’s the matter, pet?” The blonde replies, “Early this morning, I got a “phone call saying that my mother had passed away”.

The boss, feeling incredibly sorry for her, says “There, there. Look, why don’t you go home for the rest of the day? Or take the rest of the week even? Just take some time off to relax and get some rest”.

“Thanks, boss, but I think I’ll be better off here” says the blonde. “I need to keep my mind off it and the best chance I have of doing that is if I stay here and get on with some work”.

Her boss reluctantly agrees and a couple of hours pass by before he decides to check on her again.
When he sees her, she is crying hysterically once more. “Are you sure you’re OK?” he asks her. “No”, exclaims the blonde, “I just received a horrible phone call from my sister and her mum has just died too”.

Just a tap on the shoulder

A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. 
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey. 
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, ‘I’m sorry, but you scared the divil out of me.’ 
The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much. 
The driver replied,  ‘Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me? it’s entirely me own fault. Today is me first day driving a cab………….. 

I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.’

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