1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. Â
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Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
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The Baby clothes:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, colour co-ordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?
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Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing
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Dummies:
1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and sterilise it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
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Nappy changing:
1st baby: You change your baby’s nappies every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
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Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
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Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
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At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
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Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
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GRANDCHILDREN: God’s reward for allowing your children to live!
Archives for 2008
Birth Order of Children
Why Parents Drink
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had  phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the Employee’s’ home phone number and was greeted with a Child’s’ whisper.
‘Hello?’
‘Is your daddy home?’ he asked.
‘Yes,’ whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?’
The child whispered, ‘No,’
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, ‘Is your Mommy there?’
‘Yes,’
‘May I talk with her?’
Again the small voice whispered, ‘No,’
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,’Is anybody else there?’
‘Yes,’ whispered the child, ‘a policeman’.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘May I speak with the policeman?’
‘No, he’s busy’ whispered the child.
‘Busy doing what?’
‘Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,’ came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
‘What is that noise?’
‘A helicopter’ answered the whispering voice.
‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,
‘The search team just landed a helicopter,’
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
‘What are they searching for?’
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…
‘ME!!’Â
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Single, engaged, married
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, ‘Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!’
The engaged woman giggled and said, ‘That’s pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, ‘I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,
‘Hey, Batman, what’s for dinner?”
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