Archives for April 2009

Testicle Operation

The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit.’

He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.’

Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’

Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’

Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years.’

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’

Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36.

Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’

The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’

Merged realities – events and issues for virtual worlds

1. Linden Lab have released a PDF Quickstart Guide for new Second Life users.

2. Dancing Ink Productions have released a new documentary about a virtual journalism project: The Virtual Newsroom of the American University in Cairo. You can watch it here:

3. Sky News in the UK has pulled the plug on their island in Second Life. As Sigmund Leominster says:

Virtual world Cassandras can eagerly point to this as being further evidence that “the end is nigh,” whereas more sober commentators will simply point out that the economics of news reporting and delivery in Second Life is very different from real life, and spending lots of money to have virtual world analogs of real life newsrooms doesn’t necessarily make any financial sense.

4. Tateru Nino has an interesting post on human nature and virtual environments over at Massively.

Why women are crabby

We started to ‘bud’ in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John . Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary’s Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee’d our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, ‘Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar . Calm down and push. ‘Just one more good push’ (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the
%$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that ‘cute’ wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their ‘Teen Years.’ Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40’s – while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: ‘The Menopause,’ the Grandmother of all womanhood. It’s either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned ‘buds’ or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks…

So, while I love being a woman, ‘Womanhood’ would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the ‘weaker sex?’ Yeah right. Bite me.

The Watch – virtual worlds in the news

1. CNET (USA) – Second Life’s economy is the envy of the real world. “Virtual world Second Life is out with its Q1 2009 Economic Report and things are looking up. In fact, Second Life economics look much better than the real world. Users are spending much more time on the site despite a drop in land ownership. In an interview with CNET News, Linden Labs CEO Mark Kingdon estimated “user-to-user monetary transactions in Second Life may hit $450 million in 2009, up from $350 million.”

2. Animation World Network (USA) – Children’s Virtual World Company Tribal Nova Gets $3 Million. “Tribal Nova, a Montreal based developer and operator of parent-friendly virtual worlds and online educational gaming services for 3-12 year olds, announced today the closing of a $3 million growth financing round from iNovia Capital and ID Capital. “Tribal Nova is well positioned to succeed in a market that has great potential for growth,” said Chris Arsenault, Managing Partner at iNovia Capital. “Children are consuming media and entertainment in new ways these days, with a significant amount of time and attention spent on the internet. Media companies recognize that fact and are searching for different ways to engage their existing audiences.”

3. USA Today – Eco-games help kids to do good. “In Elf Island, kids enter a lush virtual world as an elf. While they can design their own elf avatar, buy it a house and decorate it, play fun minigames, and safely chat with others within this world, what makes this online game stand out from the more than 200 others is its overarching theme that being an elf means doing good in the world. The game ties the story of unlocking the secret of Elf Island to doing a series of “Good Quests” in this virtual world, which are then mirrored in real life. The current “Tree Good Quest” has kids playing games to earn seeds to plant fruit trees in the desert of Niger. Working with nonprofit Plant-It 2020 and the Eden Foundation, when the in-game goal of planting 20,000 trees is reached, 2,000 actual fruit trees will be planted in Niger.”

4. Ocala.com (USA) – Software That Guards Virtual Playgrounds. “Virtual worlds for children and teenagers — Web sites like Neopets, Club Penguin and Habbo — are a big business. On these sites, children create an avatar and, with it, explore an imaginary universe. They can play games, chat and decorate virtual rooms or other spaces. By the end of this year, there will be 70 million unique accounts — twice as many as last year — in virtual worlds aimed at children under 16, according to K Zero, a consulting firm. Virtual Worlds Management, a media and trade events company, estimates that there are now more than 200 youth-oriented virtual worlds “live, planned or in active development.”

5. VentureBeat (USA) – How I became a virtual world believer. “The media narrative about Second Life and virtual worlds is starting to get past the hype stage, past the bashing stage, and is beginning to resemble reality. VentureBeat’s Dean Takahashi has covered this shift in a thorough Q&A with parent company Linden Lab’s CEO Mark Kingdon. Public misperception of Second Life and the virtual world landscape is beginning to change as we see what it means for the evolution a new global culture and economy. I can well understand the skepticism of those who are unfamiliar with Second Life, because I remember how I felt the first time I heard about it. At the time I was an investigative journalist, and I didn’t see at first how involvement in virtual worlds could be justified. I imagined it as the ultimate form of escapism from a physical world too far gone.”

6. University of Delaware (USA) – Fashion professor finds past research takes on new life. “University of Delaware professor Sharron Lennon is one of the world’s foremost experts on human behavior and dress. She has studied consumer behavior and the relationship between appearance and social perception for nearly 30 years. Her dissertation research at Purdue University focused on how physical appearance cues affect people’s impressions about each other. Recently, however, she has found that colleagues interested in consumer behavior are beginning to study consumer behavior by looking at avatars — animated characters that people create to represent themselves in computer-generated virtual worlds such as Second Life.”

7. Tampa Bay Online (USA) – Being dead is no reason to give up your online social life. “In today’s world of always-connected social media, there’s no reason to stop interacting online simply because you’re dead. A wave of new companies are starting to offer services such as virtual cemeteries where guests can visit and e-mail alerts set up by funeral homes to remind relatives near and wide about the anniversary of your death.”

8. Adweek (USA) – Virtual Shopping, Real Results. “Despite the flash-in-the-pan success of online worlds like Second Life, marketers are flocking to virtual reality — for research purposes. Computerized store simulations — in which consumers “shop” in on-screen environments that look very close to the real thing — are now standard for the larger packaged-goods firms like Procter & Gamble, Frito-Lay, ConAgra and Intel, which have been using them for years. But now there are several factors speeding the adoption of VR shopping research among other, smaller players, including better technology, lower prices, the expanded use of brainwave and EKG measurements on consumers to hone results, more emphasis on shopper marketing and the ubiquity of broadband. While firms like P&G tend to do such simulations in-house, IRI, the Chicago-based market research firm, began offering the program to clients about a year or so ago. Earlier this month, Staci Covkin, vp, consumer and shopper insights at IRI, gave a presentation on the subject at the Advertising Research Foundation’s Re:think conference in New York.”

9. ITworld – Massive server purchase likely in Chinese Warcraft deal. “Chinese online game firm NetEase.com will buy all-new servers to start operating World of Warcraft in China this year, potentially leaving masses of unused computing clusters in the hands of the current Chinese operator. NetEase will distribute and run the game in China for three years after current operator The9’s license expires in June. NetEase announced the deal with Blizzard Entertainment, the game’s U.S. owner, on Thursday. NetEase will need massive servers for the extremely popular game. Chinese Internet cafes are often packed with teenagers who chain-smoke as they play the game for full days or nights.”

10. The Guardian (UK) – Bobba: Habbo Hotel creators land on mobiles. “Alice has just reminded me that Habbo Hotel creators Sulake have released a new “pocketsize” virtual world, for mobile phones. The hugely successful Finnish company, whose Habbo has over 129m accounts registered, are currently beta testing Bobba, available for the Nokia N-series and the iPhone. At the moment, information is thin, but the screenshots suggest an avatar-led social space, in which players can create their own spaces and chat with other users.”

Job

PARENT- Job Description

POSITION :

Mum, Mummy, Mama, Ma

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an

often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in far away cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 100 kmph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more..

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and

no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

** AND A FOOTNOTE ‘THERE IS NO RETIREMENT —
EVER!!!

Weekend Whimsy

1. Mr. Chaplin and the Nude Painting – A short film in Second Life

2. Second Life- Ice Caverns Gallery – April / May – 2009

3. The Virtual Worlds Story Project in Second Life® ~ Storytelling to Heal

Incorporeal things and cognitive dissonance

dissonance-530

Most of the things which touch our daily lives are incorporeal. It’s been that way for so long that we’ve long since forgotten what it is like for it to be any other way, yet we’re suspicious when new incorporeal things intrude on our lives.

For many of us, money has been incorporeal for much of our lives. For your kids, probably for their whole lives. I rarely actually even carry any. A small plastic card that acts as an authentication token for a bunch of numbers in a database somewhere acts as my financial instrument, and buys me groceries and new slippers. Seriously, when did you last get your money in a small yellow envelope. I know I used to, but I can’t remember when that was, it was so long ago.

Paper money was so contentious in the USA at one time that it required a federal law to compel people to accept it as legal tender. Later that was overturned, but was again reinstated. We didn’t virtualise the value of currency very easily or very quickly.

So, the money I use to get groceries largely exists as the movement of numbers between databases, which is kind of fitting, since that money starts out as Linden Dollars, which Rolling Stone calls “fake money”.

Colour me failing-to-see-the-distinction, there. I perform services, I get paid, I buy groceries and pay taxes — although when I turn my computer on to do it, apparently I suddenly become a fake person, as WSJ tech writer Walt Mossberg would have it.

As for virtual goods (or fake goods as some would call them), what indeed are the uses of things that cost money that you can only look at?

Good question. Ask the Art industry for the last couple of thousand years. Or walk out onto the footpath and look up and down at all those yards and gardens that we spend so much money keeping up so that we can… err.. look at them.

The law happily accepts incorporeal things as property, indistinguishable under the law from things you can stub your toe on, or trip over in the dark. With virtual goods and property, the only real case-distinctions are about who actually has ownership over a given thing, which can be a tangle of contracts and End-User-License-Agreements.

As a culture we’ve taken to software, MP3s and podcasts and so on, but show us an avatar and a virtual pair of heels, and we suddenly get all nervous and standoffish. Why do you think that is?

“Then take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder, and sieve it through the finest sieve, and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. … You need to believe in things that aren’t true. How else can they become?” — Terry Pratchett, Hogfather (1996)

Australia Council’s second virtual worlds art project: mellifera

During July last year we reported on the Australia Council’s second virtual worlds funding initiative, MMUVE IT! Thirty thousand dollars was provided to the successful applicants, Andrew Burrell and Trish Adams, and mellifera is the result.

The installation revolves around bees and the way they interact with their virtual eco-system. Like the previous project, Babelswarm, it’s a mixed reality event with an exhibition at the Gaffa Gallery, 1/7 Randle Street, Surry Hills in Sydney. The exhibition will run until April 21, 2009. The launch itself commences at 6pm today (16th April).

mellifera

Why the bees? Andrew Burrell: “The European Honey Bee is an extremely complex creature, with an equally complex social structure making them ideal subjects to explore and question surrounding the functioning of networked and social structures in real and online environments.”

The Australia Council for the Arts has certainly demonstrated its commitment to virtual worlds as art spaces, and it’ll be interesting to see what future projects are funded. The original announcement of this project mentioned the use of VastPark in the final product – there’s no mention of it now, which is a shame. We’ve put the question to the Australia Council and will update this story once a response is received.

Check it out in-world or check the mellifera website

Italian Earthquake Benefit in Second Life

I won’t embellish this announcement from Australian Second Life resident, Rebelmuum Slade, on a fundraiser being held tomorrow morning at 6am AEST (1pm SL time):

When disaster strikes the global community of SL unites in love and acts fast.

One of the wonders of this marvellous community is the closeness of people from all over the globe.

Last week our Italian friends were shocked by an earthquake that killed many too many and left so many more homeless and injured. The Phoenix Wave Mentors decided to put on a benefit to help those in need.

The following invitation recommends making donations directly to the Red Cross. For those who want to donate lindens or bid at the auction on the day we will dedicated jars with one person responsible for ensuring all lindens are givne to the Italian Red Cross.

Should you wish a deeper look at this wonderful story of love across the oceans, Ghost Trefoil is the benefit Co-ordinator and Ghost Ulich is the founder of Phoenix Wave Mentors.

Please pass this invitation to your groups and help us to help others in need. AND of course we would love to see you there!

We have a wonderful line up of entertainers who donated their talent to organise and entertain, who gave items or selves for auction 🙂

1pm – Rush Parkin – opens with his new special song and then conducts the first auction
2pm – dune burt (Italian DJ) entertains and leads the way to the second auction
3pm – 5pm : Alexdancemusic (Italian DJ) Takes us through to the end and hosts the next 3 auctions

Some auction items – auctions will occur just after each hour:

– 2 hour personal modelling lesson and a professional portfolio,
– 2 weeks on the beach in a lovely little (SL) holiday house.
– A 2-hour PG date with Ghost Ulich
– 2 hour personal tour with author of star journey Richard Geer. Plus a copy of the ebook
– A 2 hour PG date with Rebelmum Slade
– Personal styling indulgence with lillyanne lewsley ( new skin, shape, clothes, eyes, etc )

5.30pm Total Lindens raised announced – reciept from Italian Red cross will be posted in PW notices

Cheers Rebelmuum Slade

Heaviest element

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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