Tech -- Culture -- Humour
If you’re like me and driven to distraction by OSX Mountain Lion’s determination to change the words you type, it’s actually very easy to turn it off:
1. Go to Apple Menu > System Preferences
2. Click on ‘Language and Text’
3. Uncheck the box ‘Correct spelling automatically’:
4. That’s it!
A police officer was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility …
Q: ‘Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?’
A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’
Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’
A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’
Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’
A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’
Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’
A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’
Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’
A: ‘Yes, sir, I do.’
Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’
A: ‘Yes, sir.’
Q: ‘Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?’
A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ……. back and forth ….. back and forth ….. in and out ….. in and out.
She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding … her face was flushed … then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
“OK, OK! I can’t park the bloody car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!”
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?’ To which he responded: ‘I found the remote.’
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students
the following question:
‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you
tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’
Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’
The teacher responded by saying:
‘That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’
Sherman said:
‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I’ll be right back.’
‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once & show us your good manners?’
Johnny said:
‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’
The teacher fainted.
A bereaved wife went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him, she started to cry. The undertaker walked over to provide some comfort in this sombre moment.
Through her tears, she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, although she couldn’t afford to buy him any new clothes.
The undertaker apologised and explained that traditionally, they always dress the bodies in black, but he’d see what he could do at such short notice.
The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral. When the undertaker pulled back the curtain, she managed to smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart new blue suit.
She says to the undertaker, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”
“Well, yesterday afternoon just after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she wanted him to be buried in black,” the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled thankfully at the undertaker.
He continued, “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads.”
A Man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman who is seated over there’….. and indicated the sender with a nod of his head
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman
The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’..
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady
It read:
‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..
Speaking from personal experience, there was a bit of mystery for me about getting Feedly to work on Safari for OSX. So for your benefit here’s what to do (I’m on 10.8.4 OSX):
1. Go to Feedly.com
2. Download the Feedly Safari extension
3. Double click on the downloaded extension and you’ll get a prompt asking if you want to install it – click that you do want to.
4. The next step is where I got lost: how do I access the extension? Well, it’s not obvious unless you have a sharp eye, but look up to the left of Safari’s search/URL bar:
There’s the Feedly button. Click on it and you start the process of importing your Google Reader feed into Safari!
5. That’s it!
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’
The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’
The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’
The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’
Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’
Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’
Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Donation
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’Â
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had se x with each of them three times.’
Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’
Man: ‘What sins?’
Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’
Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’
Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’
Man: ‘I’m 92 years old . . . . I’m telling everybody!’
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
‘I’m 90 years old,’ he says.
’90?’ replies the woman. ‘Don’t you realize you’ve had it?’
‘Oh, sorry,’ says the old man. ‘How much do I owe you?’
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, ‘Doc, I think I’m getting senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.’ ‘That’s not senility,’ replied the doctor. ‘Senility is when you forget to zip down.’
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. ‘Who are you?’ he asked him.
‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator.Â
 ‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.
‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.
‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards! ‘
Marriage HumourÂ
Wife:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â ‘What are you doing?’
Husband:Â Â Â Nothing.
Wife:       ‘Nothing . . . ? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’
Husband:Â Â Â ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’
——————————-
Wife :      ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband:Â Â Â Â Â ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife:Â Â Â Â Â ‘Yes or no.’
——————————————————–
Stress Reliever
Girl:Â Â Â Â Â ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Boy:Â Â Â Â Â ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Girl:Â Â Â Â Â ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
——————————
Son:Â Â Â Â ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Mom:Â ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son:Â Â Â Â ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’
————————————————————
A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’
Husbands are husbandsÂ
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied , ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’. The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’ The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’
A lady walks into an adult shop and asks, “How much for the white dildo?”
He answers, “35 bucks”
She: “How much for the black one?”
He: “$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.”
She: “I think I’ll take the black one. I’ve never had a black one before.” She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks “How much for the black dildo?”
He: “35 bucks”
She: “How much for the white one?”
He: “$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one.”
She: “Hmmm… I think I’ll take the white one. I’ve never had a white one before…” She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a blonde woman comes in and asks, “How much are your dildos?”
He: “$35 for the white, $35 for the black.”
She: “Hmmmmm… .how much is that plaid one on the shelf?”
He: “Well, that’s a very special dildo… it’ll cost you $165.”
She: She thinks for a moment and answers, “I’ll take the plaid one, I’ve never had a plaid one before….” She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy’s boss returns and asks, “How did you do while I was gone?”
To which the salesman responded, “I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!”
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