Tony Abbott Upbeat About Knighthoods, Adds Some More


Prime Minister Tony Abbott has surprised observers with his plans for further knighthoods later in 2015.

“I knew that Prince Phillip and his son Angus Houston would both be popular as the latest Knights in the Order of Australia, but even I was taken aback by the positive response,” Mr Abbott enthused.

“So after some compulsory consultation with my Chief of Staff, I’m pleased to announce there’ll be at least another five Knights or Dames before this year is out.”

According to the information provided by the PM’s office, the proposed new recipients of the recently reinstated gongs cover a range of states, professions and ages:

1. Jack Sorenson, retired taxi driver from Mildura VIC: for services to Boat Stopping and miscellaneous casual racism.

2. Janet Devondale, community stalwart from Vaucluse NSW: for regular conversations with friends that reinforce racial stereotypes.

Tarquin Rocheford - potential Knight of Australia

Tarquin Rocheford – potential Knight of Australia

3. Tarquin Rocheford, Senior Financial Analyst from Medindie SA: for ingrained amusement at the lack of ambition of retail workers – or anyone without a Masters degree.

4. Lola Graham, Small Business Manager from Bulimba QLD: for regular trips to Bali without any absorption of Balinese culture or rudimentary understanding of the Indonesian archipelago.

5. Ian Rappaport, volunteer letter-writer from Applecross WA: for dedicated support in spite of significant geographic isolation, of independent media opinion as exemplified by Andrew Bolt, Janet Albrechtsen and Alan Jones.

Mr Abbott also was at pains to emphasise the consultative nature of the appointments. “There will always be cynics saying these knighthoods and dameships are just rewards for old friends and supporters. The five people we’ve mentioned today have put that idea to rest. I only consider two of these people friends and only three are members of the LNP. This is a process correctly above politics, just like ABC board and High Court appointments.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

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