Apple Adapter Manufacturer Concerned At Apple Direction


A US-based manufacturer of adapters and dongles for Apple products has come out today expressing concern at the direction Apple has taken in recent years with constantly superseding ports that the majority of users actually use.

Ed Faroun, CEO of Advanced Workflow Systems, admits that business has never been better but sees the millions of extra revenue as a bitter pill to swallow.


CEO, wine lover and global citizen: Ed Haroun

“We’ve grown from a team of 4 to more than 3000 on the back of Apple removing ports from their devices,” Faroun said. “Firewire is what really kicked us off, but the format swap of iPad and iPhone cables is what made us huge. We’re actually projecting nearly 100% growth in the next year once headphone jacks, USB-A ports and SD card slots all disappear. If the rumours are true and Apple go with SCSI Mk 2 as the next standard we may end up with profits close to Apple’s. It’s great financially but I can’t help but think Apple has lost its focus.”

When quizzed on why a company that is raking in billions would complain, Faroun’s response was emphatic.

“I go to bed at night contemplating two things. The first is how far can this go? Think of how many millions of devices will need to be discarded outright, let alone the tens of millions of adapters we’re selling now. It has a big impact on the environment. Add to that my concern over the environmental impact of me buying a fourth house and a second plane and it really starts to look like Apple are going down a path they’ll regret. And at the end of the day, I don’t see my legacy as being the guy who helped make desks the most cluttered in history.”

When pressed, Haroun offered some advice to Apple.

“Apple needs someone to make it great again. I hear someone may soon be looking for a job that tried to make America great. Could he do that bad a job at Apple?”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Hansard Transcribers Demand Pay Rise

steno-secOne of the most under-recognised roles in any parliament is that of Hansard Transcriber, the individual sits in the chamber logging each parliamentary debates or Committee meeting. It’s a modestly paid position, and in the shadow of a hung parliament there’s a demand for a substantial pay increase.

A senior Hansard Transcriber on staff at the Parliament of Australia has made a plaintive call for consideration of the future welfare of the critical job. Gwen Larkin, a transcriber of 41 years standing has taken the unusual step of speaking out publicly.

“Over the past decade, we’ve received the usual sort of pay rises that the rest of the staff get around the building,” Gwen said during a short interview at Tuggeranong McDonalds.

“But with what we’re looking at in the coming three years, we’re asking for a serious review of our role and the strain we’re under.”

When asked to identify the key stresses of the role, Gwen provided an impassioned list between sobs and a quick run to the toilet.

“In the last term we needed to transcribe the words of Ricky Muir, Glenn Lazarus and Jacquie Lambie. That pushed us close to the edge and we had to bring in some casual staff for the longer debates that these three were involved with. The level of concentration required was huge – there was more mangled English than a mixmaster instruction booklet,” Gwen said.

“Now we are faced with Lambie again, with the addition of a newly elected colleague on her team. We could have coped with that given Lazarus and Muir are gone, but instead we’ve gone from bogans to behemoths of language torture.”

Unable to continue in sentences for a period of time, we were able to glean from Gwen that the arrival of Pauline Hanson and Derryn Hinch in parliament has been the catalyst for the campaign for a 125% pay rise effective from the Senate’s next sitting day.

“We had modelled worst case scenarios of Molly Meldrum and Kyle Sandilands entering parliament, but we’d never considered a Hinch / Hanson / Lambie triumvirate. There’s not a lot that can make this worse, unless Barnaby Joyce increases his time speaking on the floor of the House. Or Shane Warne wins a seat in a by-election.”

When asked why the demands were purely financial, Gwen had a direct answer.

“It’s not about avoiding or reducing the work itself. We can’t expect the uninitiated to bear this burden. We’ve developed a level of adaptation to the more usual stresses such as Kim Carr’s shouting and Eric Abetz’s voice. We just want our roles remunerated appropriately so we don’t have to skimp on counselling or audiometry support.”

We contacted the Department of Parliamentary Services for comment, with a short statement provided in response:

The Department values greatly the role transcribers play in the Parliament of Australia. We also recognise the increased demands of the role but need to balance that with other staff who are experiencing similar issues.

Our Parliamentary Library staff will be facing significant increases in requests to compile proposed legislation into BuzzFeed photo galleries for simpler digestion. Our website team will be tackling the challenge of turning Pauline Hanson’s biography into something that doesn’t look like a ransom note scribbled in Nutella. Our cleaning staff are also preparing for a significant increase in leadership speculation-related carpet wear, food fights and abusive emails.

These issues all need to be taken into account within budgetary constraints and we look forward to working with all affected parties in coming weeks to come to a satisfactory resolution.

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Man Derides The Force Awakens For Its Logic Gaps

MCQ-cloudcityStar Wars: The Force Awakens may have been hyped more than Y2K, Coke and One Direction combined, but not all viewers of the recently released film have bought the excitement.

Aaron Gorinsen of New Lambton exited a midnight screening of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, unhappy with the experience overall. A Star Wars fan of over 35 years standing, he had some criticisms to make.

“This film is just an Episode 6 re-hash, which was a re-hash of Episode 4. How many damn times can you run the same storyline of ‘Shit there’s a big planet looking thing that blows up shit, we better find a weakness and destroy it. We had also better hunt down all the people who design the Death Star suite of products and blow them up as well so the next version produced has a weakness that can be exploited. Even better, to destroy the new version we will still need to fly an X-Wing through endless internal tunnels, that if removed would have halved the cost and size of the damn project in the first place'”.

Without being asked, Gorinsen went on to outline what he perceives as other unforgivable logic gaps.

“Rey spends hours sneaking around Death Star 3 without being detected. I hope she was thanking the Ewok gods that in their universe CCTV was never discovered. I’m assuming the research money was spent on hyperdrives and 3D chess sets instead. Then there’s the reality that 1970s fighter jets had better heat seeking missiles than anything I’ve ever seen in a Star Wars movie. And don’t even start me on how the Millennium Falcon sat for years in a scrap yard, started up first go for the first person who jumped in it and appears to never need to be refuelled. Either that refueling stop at Bespin was a doozy or the Millennium Falcon runs on Wookiee methane or film reviewer hyperbole.”

When asked what alternative plot devices he would have used, Gorinsen was to the point. “Time travel can solve any logic gap. Who doesn’t want to see a film where Jar Jar Binks, Wicket and Lumpy travel in time together to conceive Jabba The Hut in a sauna in some cantina? I’m paying for that and I’m not alone.”

When asked for his thoughts on the upcoming Episode 8, Gorinsen retained some hopefulness. “I hear Hayden Christensen is returning to the franchise. His depth as an actor, combined with a little more focus on long romance scenes, might just save what could end up a very mediocre trilogy otherwise.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Chris Pyne Hits Stride Early In New Portfolio


In the minutes after the announcement of the Turnbull Government’s new front bench, former Education Minister Christopher Pyne made it clear he’d be hitting the ground running in his new portfolio of Industry, Innovation and Science.

“In the 48 hours since Malcolm Turnbull made it clear I was required to hold this critical portfolio together for the future of Australia, I’ve put together a comprehensive policy platform,” Mr Pyne advised.

“Policy is about outcomes and I’m confident that I’ve put some serious thought into that this week, which has formed the foundation of my three-point plan for the future of Australia which will be called Future Plan Australia.”

Mr Pyne went on to describe the three-point plan for the gathered press contingent.

“One – this country needs smart people to drive it forward and the only way to ensure that happens is the development of a white paper that looks at whether we need to provide more funding to education and science education in particular. It’s that sort of innovation Prime Minister Turnbull is passionate about and I intend on delivering it.”

“Two – as Science Minister I will be committed to the application of good governance practices in that field. My first action in this area will be to mandate bunsen burner licenses for all schools.”

“Finally, in the Industry portfolio I will be commissioning a task force to look at the productivity losses associated with politician press events being held in shops and factories. People like Mr Shorten who spend half their week creating photo opportunities with hard hats need to be held accountable for the impact they are having on productivity. Prime Minister Turnbull and I will be leading from the front on this issue, limiting business visits to galleries, antique shops and specialist coffee bean producers where productivity is never going to be feasible.”

When pressed, Mr Pyne was unable to give firm timeframes on the delivery of his plan, stating that Cabinet processes needed to now be worked through in full.

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Pluto is Proof Renewables Don’t Work: Abbott


Prime Minister Tony Abbott used the historical fly-by of Pluto to emphasise the lack of efficacy of renewable energy.

“Whilst congratulating the scientisty space people who sent the nuclear-powered spaceship all the way to Pluto, I do note that the photos we’ve seen so far make for interesting viewing,” Mr Abbott said.

The Government is claiming the photos prove that Pluto has progressed quite nicely as a planet without ugly wind farms or over-priced solar panels.


Pluto: tobogganing, wind-farm free paradise

“What you see there is a midget planet that’s got some of the most well developed snow fields ever seen, without the need for huge government investment in clean energy.”

When pressed, Abbott refused to confirm who had supplied his briefing on the Pluto mission but did elaborate on one of the key points.

“What stood out for me most of all is this: not one scrap of renewable energy has been installed on Pluto, yet there’s still no issue with significant climate change. Those in the climate change lobbying industry such as the CSIRO need to take a hard look at themselves and maybe start learning from the example Pluto has set.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Joe Hockey Claims Unfairness with Bastard Roster


Joe Hockey today came out swinging after 24 hours of criticism for his comments around the Sydney housing market. Some sections of the community have balked at his claim that seeking a better job should be all that’s required to buy a house.

“Those criticising my comments are playing the man but they’re also not based on the full facts,” a firm but tearful Mr Hockey stated at a press conference this afternoon.

“A casual observer of politics might think as Treasurer that it’s my role to take some of the harder decisions. This is true to some extent, but there’s also an agreed expectation of all Ministers that they shoulder some of the less desirable aspects of policy decisions.”

Cory Bernardi - on another roster altogether

Cory Bernardi – on another roster altogether

When quizzed more closely on this, Mr Hockey broke down and admitted the existence of The Bastard Roster.

“Do you notice how it’s only Scott Morrison and I that cop multiple days on the roster each week? I’m usually on it every Tuesday and Thursday plus I cover Kevin Andrew’s days at least once a month because he gets in and covers his quota of bastardry early. So suddenly I’m public enemy number 1.”

When asked who wasn’t on the roster, Hockey continued to be angrily tearful. “Barnaby Joyce hasn’t done a single day. He asks Bronwyn Bishop to go on it most weeks, but she won’t move him over from the Blithering Idiot Roster. Malcolm Turnbull always agrees to his rostered days but never actually turns up. Chris Pyne used to be on the roster but enjoyed it so much he used to drown out any other messages the Government was trying to get out. The list goes on.”

Mr Hockey then launched into a fifteen minute defence of his ability to be a common man of the people, including a portfolio of testimonials from assorted finance industry executives and CEOs.

When asked if Tony Abbott was on the roster, Hockey was emphatic. “No way, he’s the PM. He’s a bastard 24/7, no roster required.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Tony Abbott Upbeat About Knighthoods, Adds Some More


Prime Minister Tony Abbott has surprised observers with his plans for further knighthoods later in 2015.

“I knew that Prince Phillip and his son Angus Houston would both be popular as the latest Knights in the Order of Australia, but even I was taken aback by the positive response,” Mr Abbott enthused.

“So after some compulsory consultation with my Chief of Staff, I’m pleased to announce there’ll be at least another five Knights or Dames before this year is out.”

According to the information provided by the PM’s office, the proposed new recipients of the recently reinstated gongs cover a range of states, professions and ages:

1. Jack Sorenson, retired taxi driver from Mildura VIC: for services to Boat Stopping and miscellaneous casual racism.

2. Janet Devondale, community stalwart from Vaucluse NSW: for regular conversations with friends that reinforce racial stereotypes.

Tarquin Rocheford - potential Knight of Australia

Tarquin Rocheford – potential Knight of Australia

3. Tarquin Rocheford, Senior Financial Analyst from Medindie SA: for ingrained amusement at the lack of ambition of retail workers – or anyone without a Masters degree.

4. Lola Graham, Small Business Manager from Bulimba QLD: for regular trips to Bali without any absorption of Balinese culture or rudimentary understanding of the Indonesian archipelago.

5. Ian Rappaport, volunteer letter-writer from Applecross WA: for dedicated support in spite of significant geographic isolation, of independent media opinion as exemplified by Andrew Bolt, Janet Albrechtsen and Alan Jones.

Mr Abbott also was at pains to emphasise the consultative nature of the appointments. “There will always be cynics saying these knighthoods and dameships are just rewards for old friends and supporters. The five people we’ve mentioned today have put that idea to rest. I only consider two of these people friends and only three are members of the LNP. This is a process correctly above politics, just like ABC board and High Court appointments.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Shopping Channel Host Confident of Bringing Abbott To Account


The Abbott Government’s tumultuous 2014 looks set to continue, with a hardened TV personality determined to pull off the interview of the year.

Gabe Newsome is a freelance presenter on a number of TV shopping channels. He lists his specialties as covering fitness equipment features presentation and kitchen food processor showcasing, but he’d determined to try something a little different before the year is out.

Gabe Newsome: political interviewer on the rise?

Gabe Newsome: political interviewer on the rise?

“I’d assumed that only political journos like Leigh Sales and Peter van Onselen got to do the hard-hitting interviews with our Prime Minister. I saw Karl Stefanovic’s evisceration of Tony Abbott and I was impressed, but I still wrote it off as a one-off fluke by a lightweight TV presenter.”

A seed of an idea had been planted for Newsome as he worked through a hectic week of preparing his next week’s presentations on the Flab Dabbler XL and Veggies to Wedges in 5 Steps Training Program.

“I was practicing my appliance pointing gestures at home before I went into the studio, when the TV caught my attention. It was Kochie on Sunrise, and he had Tony Abbott on. I consider Kochie as a guy who’s on my level as far as gravitas and credibility goes – I mean, he’s the guy who will get in an animal suit and hang his arse out the back of it for a laugh. So when he tore strips off the PM this morning, I knew what needed to come next.”

Newsome has since issued a challenge to Tony Abbott to appear on a future Innovations in Slicing and Dicing segment.

“I’ll be respectful but firm with Mr Abbott, but I can’t vouch for my dicing assistant Neryl. She’s already asked me whether there’ll be time for a question she wants to ask on the impact of the free trade agreements on trans-pacific currency flow speculators. I hope Mr Abbott is prepared.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

New Dad Admits Sudden Passion for Long Walks


34 year-old Justin Marburg is a recent dad, with his fiancee Siobhan Lemaire giving birth to their first child Mia earlier in the year.Since that time Justin has discovered a latent interest in what he calls Elite Street Walking.

“One afternoon I was sitting at home devoting myself to spending quality time with Mia, when I realised I could be doing something to set the family up for life.”

Within 90 seconds, Justin had left the house, returning briefly to put some shoes on and then starting his first Elite Street Walk.

iStock_000010225658Medium“Before I knew it, I’d been walking around the neighbourhood for two hours.I felt great and felt part of the community. Within a week of doing this, I was up to three hours an evening and half a dozen other blokes were out there with me for all or part of it.”

Justin is now working on an Elite Street Walking franchise scheme. “I’ve had enquiries from men of all ages, but mostly new dads and recently retired men, all wanting to put as much into the idea as they could.”

The franchise scheme is expected to be launched early in the new year, after Justin recuperates from some unexpected surgery.

“Siobhan suffers from involuntary muscle contractions since giving birth. As I walked in the door last week, unfortunately the hand she was using to cut up vegetables for Mia’s pureed dinner, spasmed quite badly. Thankfully the knife hit a rib though.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Outcry At Non-Cheapening of Goods Post Carbon Tax


In the eighteen or so hours since the Abbott Government pulled off a world first in reversing a climate change measure, an outcry has already occurred from a range of sectors, angry at prices remaining standard.

Bill Snelson, a retired taxi driver from Coburg is indignant his support for the changes aren’t being recognised.

“After seeing the carbon tax go down yesterday, I ran my microwave all night boiling bowls of water in celebration. But on ringing my electricity company this morning, they refused to commit to direct depositing the 50 cents I saved yesterday.”

Madeleine Crawford, an apiarist and caravanning enthusiast, was equally outraged.

“I went out to buy a third plasma TV this morning, now that electricity prices are going to fall. I tried to haggle an extra 10% discount out of them because of their reduced costs, but they wouldn’t be in it. All they offered me was a DVD of The Block Season 2, so I walked out. It’s disgusting how business won’t back the Government with their great work in helping honest working Australians.”

The anger is not universal however. Noel Stravinsky, a futures trader, is upbeat.

“I made the decision a few months back that solar energy companies, beachfront real estate and anything south of Cairns would take a big dive in value once the carbon tax was axed, so I got out of those investments in a big way. I put everything into firefighting equipment manufacturers, border defence weapons suppliers and any company contracted by the Department of Immigration. I’ve tripled my returns and it’s looking like getting even better than that.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

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