Chris Pyne Hits Stride Early In New Portfolio


In the minutes after the announcement of the Turnbull Government’s new front bench, former Education Minister Christopher Pyne made it clear he’d be hitting the ground running in his new portfolio of Industry, Innovation and Science.

“In the 48 hours since Malcolm Turnbull made it clear I was required to hold this critical portfolio together for the future of Australia, I’ve put together a comprehensive policy platform,” Mr Pyne advised.

“Policy is about outcomes and I’m confident that I’ve put some serious thought into that this week, which has formed the foundation of my three-point plan for the future of Australia which will be called Future Plan Australia.”

Mr Pyne went on to describe the three-point plan for the gathered press contingent.

“One – this country needs smart people to drive it forward and the only way to ensure that happens is the development of a white paper that looks at whether we need to provide more funding to education and science education in particular. It’s that sort of innovation Prime Minister Turnbull is passionate about and I intend on delivering it.”

“Two – as Science Minister I will be committed to the application of good governance practices in that field. My first action in this area will be to mandate bunsen burner licenses for all schools.”

“Finally, in the Industry portfolio I will be commissioning a task force to look at the productivity losses associated with politician press events being held in shops and factories. People like Mr Shorten who spend half their week creating photo opportunities with hard hats need to be held accountable for the impact they are having on productivity. Prime Minister Turnbull and I will be leading from the front on this issue, limiting business visits to galleries, antique shops and specialist coffee bean producers where productivity is never going to be feasible.”

When pressed, Mr Pyne was unable to give firm timeframes on the delivery of his plan, stating that Cabinet processes needed to now be worked through in full.

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

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