The Gravedigger – Page 32

Council Application

November 3, 2008 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

A guy goes to the Aberdeen Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, ‘Are you allergic to anything?’

He answers ‘Yes – caffeine’

‘Have you ever been in the services?’

‘Yes,’ he says. ‘I was in Iraq for two years.’

The interviewer says, ‘That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,’
and then asks, ‘Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, ‘Yes 100%…an bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.’

The interviewer tells the guy, ‘O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 – and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.’

The guy is puzzled and says, ‘If the hours are from 8AM to 2 PM, why don’t you want me to be here before 10 AM?’ ‘

‘This is a council job,’ the interviewer says. ‘For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Airplane amusement

November 1, 2008 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, “I couldn’t help but notice” he said, “that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?”

“I am sorry if I disturbed you,” she replied. “I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. “I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”

The woman nodded, “black pepper.”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Sex

How the government works

October 31, 2008 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’

Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.’ The father says, ‘Good, son,tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’

The little boy replies, ‘The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Life perspectives

Oh, shoot!

October 30, 2008 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,’ Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’

‘Why?’ asked the pilot.

‘Because I’m a photographer for Fox Cable News,’ he responded. ‘And I need to get some close up shots.’

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . . you’re NOT my flight instructor?’

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

An uplifting story

October 29, 2008 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

This letter was sent to the principal’s office after the school had
sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear St Josephs School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.

I am 84 years old and live at Grove Park, Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio. Before I received
one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to f*ck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, The Gender Wars

Jet fuel

October 29, 2008 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

Dave and Wally were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Los Angeles.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, ‘Man, I wish we had something to drink!’

Wally says, ‘Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?’

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It’s Wally.

Wally says, ‘Hey, how do you feel this morning?’

Dave says, ‘I feel great, how about you?’

Wally says, ‘I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?’

Dave says, ‘No that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.’

Yeah, well there’s just one thing.’ ‘What’s that?’

‘Have you farted yet?’

‘No.’

‘Well, don’t, cause I’m in New York.’

Filed Under: Bowel humour, Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Fannie Green

October 28, 2008 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
‘Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I’ve sinned  with Fannie Green every week for the last month.’

The priest tells the sinner,
‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three ‘Hail Mary’s’.’

Soon, another man enters the confessional.
‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.’

This time the priest asks,
‘Who is this Fannie Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighbourhood,’ the sinner replies

‘Very well,’ says the priest. ‘Go and say ten ‘Hail Mary’s’.

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men’s eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks,

‘Is that Fannie Green?’
The altar boy replies, …………………………
‘No Father, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes’

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Sex

Letter to bank

October 28, 2008 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

Dear Sirs,

In view of current developments in the banking market and financial shock, if one of my cheques is returned marked ‘insufficient funds’, does that refer to me or to you?

Yours Faithfully

XXX

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Financial

Giving up wine

October 27, 2008 by The Gravedigger Leave a Comment

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?’

‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told me.

‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?’ I asked.

‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’

‘Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?’ I asked.

‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless woman. I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!’

‘Well, I said, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.’

The homeless Woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.’

I said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor, The Gender Wars