Smile please

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with ‘Guess’ on it.
So I said ‘Implants?’ She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go ‘skinny dipping,’ now I just ‘chunky dunk.’

Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn’t you know it…
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
‘If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it’s in English, thank a soldier’

And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes.
Ya just might want to pass this

Note to self: ‘Cancel credit cards prior to death!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless and so easy to see happening – customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member:
‘I am calling to tell you that she died in January.’

ANZ:
‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member:
‘Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.’

ANZ:
‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’

ANZ:
‘Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’

Family Member:
‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’

ANZ:
‘Excuse me?’

Family Member:
‘Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?’

ANZ:
‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
‘I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.’

ANZ:
‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member:
‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’

ANZ:
(Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’

Family Member:
‘No, I’m her great nephew.’
(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?’

Family Member:
‘Sure.’
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
‘Our system just isn’t set up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’

Family Member:
‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.’

ANZ:
‘Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.’

Family Member:
‘Would you like her new billing address?’

ANZ:
‘That might help.’

Family Member:
‘ Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 1049.’

ANZ:
‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’

Family Member:
‘Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?’

Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many Kinds of boobs are there?’

The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm. In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions’.

‘Onions?’

‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, ‘Mom, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree’.

‘A Christmas tree?’

‘Yes — dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.’

Helpful Hints

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminium recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink heavily and recycle.

Girlie wisdom

Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills.. she has 14 kids but doesn’t really care.

One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker’s.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like…’You know sometimes I forget to eat!’ ……..Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day!

SEND THIS TO 5 BRIGHT WOMEN YOU KNOW AND MAKE THEIR DAY!!!
LIVE SIMPLY…..LAUGH OFTEN….LOVE DEEPLY

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Bet the b****** told you I was speeding, too.

Welcome!

For years, I complained about the ceaseless barrage of jokes sent to me via email by friends and family. I’d get particularly frustrated if I received the same joke email multiple times over a short period of time. I’d be near screaming point if I got the same again joke 6 months later.

Then I realised that the fact it comes via email is nothing more than a different delivery method. Twenty years ago you’d hear the same joke over and over but would you punch the lights out of the person who relayed it for the seventh time. Ok – sometimes you probably did want to get violent but you know what I mean: at the end of it all, a joke is something that’s meant to make you happy. I’m the first to admit I’ve got some good laughs from email jokes.

Aside from that, I’ve always wondered who generates the jokes in the first place. For the particularly good ones, I want to keep them sometimes. I know there are hundreds of thousands of email inboxes worldwide with ‘Jokes’ folders. This site is the next step on from that: a growing repository of jokes if for some reason you want to relive some humour. I’d particularly love to hear from the creators of the jokes – if you honestly believe you started the joke you see, comment on that post and give some history.

If you’re wondering what order jokes are appearing – they’ll appear as I receive them myself. There’s no accounting for taste so even the jokes that just make you groan will be featured. That said, overtly racist jokes or ones that go beyond the pale aren’t likely to be posted.

So please enjoy, have a laugh or two, and I look forward to building a community of fun!

Colonoscopy: The Facts

This post isn’t for the faint-hearted but it IS for those people who are obsessively Googling, worried about abdominal pain and /or changes in bowel habits. The fact is, any symptoms like that can scare the hell out of you – I know I’ve spent the last four weeks stressed out of my mind. My story over that time isn’t particularly dramatic or exciting, but it may provide some information that helps put your mind at rest – particularly in regard to having a colonoscopy. Stop reading here if you don’t want to read about bowels and related matters.

 July 2007

I had an episode of renal colic which resulted in nearly a full day’s stay in hospital on morphine while they ran tests. It came on that morning – severe lower left abdominal and back (flank) pain. It was truly excrutiating and it was impossible to get comfortable, hence the trip to hospital. My blood tests came back ok (some raised protein and albumin levels which were to be expected given the situation), my urine tested positive for blood (again not unusual if you have kidney stones gouging down your ureters) and my abdominal x-ray came back clear (no bowel issues and most kidney stones don’t show up on plain x-ray). At the end of the day I was sent home with a diagnosis of renal colic and lots of painkillers.

 I felt totally washed out the next few days and the codeiene-based tablets accentuated that. Slowly got back into eating and also started by best new habit: drinking lots of water. You hear people lecturing all the time on the importance of water intake and it was something I just never really did much of – I never felt that thirsty. I now drink 1500-2000mL of water daily and thankfully I’ve not had any more renal colic. The stone or stones appear to have passed the day I went to hospital because a follow-up ultrasound came back fine as well (even ultrasound won’t show up fine gravel in the kidneys).

I also made a number of other lifestyle changes. For as long as I remember I’ve been running on around 6 hours sleep per night. I’ve increased that to 8. I’ve also changed my dietary intake significantly – no more eating late at night, lots less chocolate and fatty lunches at work. I haven’t felt like a new person but I feel good that I’ve made the changes and I’ve lost a few kilos.

 August 2007

 After a month of improved nutrition and sleep I noticed a change in bowel habits. Much looser stools and had sometimes been waking a little earlier than usual with abdominal pains. Also, for the past six months I’d had discomfort in the left groin area – a feeling that something was ‘there’ but nothing that could be felt – this had been diagnosed as a reducible inguinal hernia but on consult with a surgeon he stated he wouldn’t be operating as the hernia wasn’t palpable to him. The combination of the groin discomfort and the bowel habit changes led me to going back to my GP asking for a way forward. My GP (who I think is brilliant – the rare combination of wonderful humanity and clinical skill) did a thorough examination, couldn’t feel anything but ordered a colonoscopy to be on the safe side. I went home pleased that further investigations were underway but then the doubts started to set in: what if I had bowel cancer?

That set in motion a month of obsessive Googling of my symptoms (the first appointment I could get for a colonoscopy was a month down the track). I now have a good working knowledge of everything you’d want to know about stools, colon cancer, IBS, IBD and diverticular disease. In the process I managed to scare myself to death and drive my wife insane with my constant ruminating on what I may have. Combine that with a new and stressful job role and I felt at the end of my tether most of the month. The weight I’d dropped in the previous month didn’t help my stress either – everytime someone said ‘gee, you’ve lost some weight’ I’d get a knot in my stomach. Six months previously I would have loved someone to have said it.
 

September 2007

As the time for my colonoscopy grew closer, the more stressed I got. Not because of the procedure itself – but what it may find. You can imagine the impact that had on my bowels let alone anything else that was going on. That said, I was glad to start the low residue diet because it meant I was doing something.

Where I live, there are two options for bowel preparation before colonoscopy: Glycoprep or PicoPrep. Glycoprep involves drinking 3-litres of lemon-tasting liquid over four hours and you can continue your low residue diet until the afternoon before the procedure. PicoPrep involves a lower volume of fluid to drink but you have to stop eating (just drink clear fluids) more than 24-hours before the procedure. I chose the Glycoprep because I didn’t think I’d cope with not eating for the longer time frame. In retrospect I’d choose the PicoPrep because of the lower volume of fluid to consume. Drinking three litres of something you’d never usually drink is very difficult – it took me five hours and the last 500mL seemed to take forever. About 90 minutes after my first glass I started my intimate relationship with the toilet, which continued until I went to bed and then again when I got up the next morning. Overall, the prep wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be – I didn’t feel really weak and the toilet trips weren’t uncomfortable, just regular. You may have read that the prep is the worst part of the whole thing: it’s true but even then it’s a long way off a traumatic experience.

The day of the procedure finally came and I was scheduled for the afternoon so I had another four hours of feeling anxious, wanting the whole thing to be done so I know either way what my next step was. My father-in-law picked me up just before one and off I was dropped at the endoscopy clinic. The clinic staff from start to finish were superb, from the receptionist through to the nurses, anaesthetist and GI consultant himself. A nurse asked me a range of health questions then weighed me and took my blood pressure before I was asked to change into a gown. I could leave my t-shirt and socks on which I found comforting for some reason.

I’d just changed when the anaesthetist came in to quiz me clinically and he then led me into a room with a trolley where I lay down whilst he inserted an IV into my hand. If you’ve never had an IV inserted before, it’s no big deal – feels exacly like having a small injection. I of course knew I was having IV sedation for the procedure. Everything you read tells you you’ll be very drowsy and won’t remember anything – how right they are. The anaesthetist told me he was going to give me the sedation so I’d start to feel drowsy. I remember saying to him 15 seconds later that I was starting to feel drowsy, and then that was it.

I woke up 30 minutes later in recovery. I knew it was over because I was now lying on my right side (you always lie on your left side for a colonoscopy). I felt great, albeit drowsy. A key point needs to be made here for those of you stressing about having a colonoscopy: aside from being able to feel air in my intestines, there was absolutely no physical sensations from having had a scope inserted rectally. I’m convinced that’s what scares a lot of people – they believe they’ll feel like they’ve had a watermelon shoved up there. Let me tell you, there is no sensation whatsoever.

Ten minutes after coming to, the GI consultant came out to give me the news: everything was clear. No pathology, no polyps. His only recommendation was that maybe I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome so I was to have a high fibre diet for the next month and if my bowel habits and intermittent left abdominal discomfort continued, to see my GP about going on an anti-spasmodic called Colofac. I asked him if it was worth having a gastroscopy and his view was no, not at this stage. I was relieved (to say the least) that nothing had been found but still a little peturbed about the symptoms and what may be causing them. That said, at least I now knew I didn’t have bowel cancer, something for which I am so grateful.

 I was allowed to sit in a chair / get dressed and an hour after that I was allowed to go home (you can’t drive yourself though). I had some minor crampy pain that evening but otherwise no discomfort at all.

Summary

If you have bowel symptoms that are worrying you – see your doctor. If he / she orders a colonoscopy, don’t freak. It is such a painless procedure to have and gives you excellent peace of mind. Your dignity is respected the whole time and the people who care for you are professionals who want to see you get the best outcomes you can. One other bit of advice I was given by friends and family was NOT to Google symptoms. You know what – they are totally correct. It does nothing to put your mind at rest and actually increases the stress. There was nothing from the week’s of searching online that truly helped me in the end aside from the knowledge that lots of people had similar concerns.

Of course, if you’re reading this then you’re already Googling….. Good luck with it all!

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