ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
AUTHOR: A writer with connections in the publishing industry.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
BOSS: A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
CHILDHOOD: The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
COMPROMISE: The art of slicing a cake in such a way that everyone believes they received the biggest piece.
CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
DENIAL: How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.
DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills with pills then kills you with bills.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
ETC: An abbreviation that makes others think you know more than you actually do.
EXPERIENCE: In the working world, something you can’t get unless you’ve already got it, in which case you probably don’t want any more of it.
FATHER: The banker that nature provides.
FITNESS: Salvation through perspiration.
GOURMET: A food fetishist.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
HOOKER: A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
JEANS: Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits.
KLEPTOMANIAC: A thief with breeding.
LECTURE: The art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the lecturees without passing through the minds of either.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
NEIGHBOURS: The strangers who live next door.
OFFICE: A place where you can relax after a strenuous night at home.
ORG ASM: The punchline some women just don’t get, generally because their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.
PARASITE: A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm or a biographer.
QUAGMIRE: Any situation more easily entered into than exited from eg., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman.
RAISIN: A grape with sunburn.
REDNECK: Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one in person.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
TEARS: The means by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
VOTING: The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as long as they do it alone.
WHITE SUPREMACISTS: The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority.
WRINKLES: Something other people have, Similar to my character lines.
X-RAY: A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
Y-CHROMOSOME: A line of defective genes designed for men only.
ZOO: A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialled it.

A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’

I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right f***ing number!’ And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an ar se hole!’ And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘ar se hole’ next to it, And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an ar se hole!’

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘ar se hole’ calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’

He yelled ‘NO!’ And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an ar se hole!’ And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a ‘For Sale’ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ar se hole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I’d better call the BMW ar se hole, too.

I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’

He said, ‘Yes, it is.’

I then asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’

He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax It’s a yellow ranch style house And the car’s parked right out in front.’

I asked, ‘What’s your name?’

He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’

I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’

He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’

I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’

He said ,’Yes?’

I said, ‘Don, you’re an ar se hole!’

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two ar se holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea…

I called ar se hole #1.

He said, ‘Hello’

I said, ‘You’re an ar se hole!’ (But I didn’t hang up.)

He asked, ‘Are you still there?’

I said, ‘Yeah!’

He screamed, ‘Stop calling me’

I said, ‘Make me.’

He asked, ‘Who are you?’

I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’

He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’

I said, ‘Ar se hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.’

He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’

I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, ar se hole,’ and hung up.

Then I called Ar se hole #2.

He said, ‘Hello?’

I said, ‘Hello, ar se hole,’

He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’

I said, ‘You’ll what?’

He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ass’

I answered, ‘Well, ar se hole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel X News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two ar se holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Understanding Engineers – One

Two engineering students were riding their bikes across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to

the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want . ”

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway . ”

Understanding Engineers – Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full .

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty .

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be .

Understanding Engineers – Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers . The engineer fumed, “What’s with

those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, “Here comes the green-keeper . Let’s have a word with him . ”

He said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes . That’s a group of blind firemen . They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we

always let them play for free anytime . ”

The group fell silent for a moment .

The priest said, “That’s so sad . I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight . ”

The doctor said, “Good idea . I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them . ”

The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Understanding Engineers – Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons

Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers – Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”

The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Understanding Engineers – Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body .

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer . Just look at all the joints . ”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer . The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections . ”

The last one said, “No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer . Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Understanding Engineers – Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it .

Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet .

A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.

Once in the air, the stewardess comes around and the man asks her for a cup of coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks, “Bring me a whiskey, bitch.”

The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells,”Get me another whiskey, bitch.” Quite upset, the stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, bitch, now go and get it for me.”

In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards arrive, grab both the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and toss them both out
of the airplane.

As they’re falling toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, “You know, for someone who can’t fly, you’re kind of a mouthy
b#stard.

A few overworked deputy sheriffs were long overdue for a vacation so they decided to go on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleep two per room so they could afford the trip.

Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Daryl – he’s very well known for snoring and since it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time – they agreed to take turns.

The first deputy to bunk with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didn’t get any sleep. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldn’t get any sleep!”

The following night it was a different deputy’s turn. In the morning, same thing – hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Daryl! Shakes the roof he’s so loud. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Frank’s turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. Said he wasn’t going to put up with any snoring… “We’ll see!” said the other deputies.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning, fellas! Wonderful day outside isn’t it?” he said. They other deputies were shocked!

They said, “Man, what happened?” Frank said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Daryl into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat up all night just watching me. Didn’t snore at all!”

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at our fishing club last night by 1 point.

Not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: “Where do women have the curliest hair?”

Apparently the correct answer is Fiji