The Doberman and the Panther

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost.

Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.

So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says …….

“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

Moral of this story…

Don’t mess with the old dogs…

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Edna’s Letter To God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope…
Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna.

Conclusion Jumping

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

“I love you!” she said, and then she got all excited, she quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever….

Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts

The Family Christmas Newsletter Template

It’s a tradition some people love, and even more people hate: the form letter enclosed in a Xmas card. If you’d been thinking of retaliating with your own letter, we’ve developed a template to help get you started. It’s even in Comic Sans to cause maximum grief to those receiving it.

You can download a PDF version at the bottom of this post, but here’s what it looks like:

THE_FAMILY_XMAS_NEWSLETTER_TEMPLATE_IN_COMIC_SANS_pdf__page_1_of_2_

THE_FAMILY_XMAS_NEWSLETTER_TEMPLATE_IN_COMIC_SANS_pdf__page_2_of_2_

Click here to download a PDF version. Feel free to post your versions in comments, we’d love to see them.

Chicken Farmer

Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer John called the local police station to complain “You’ve got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens” he said to the local police officer.

“What do you want me to do?” asked the policeman.

“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said “You’ve still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster!”

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said “Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?”

In order to get Farmer John off his back said “Sure. Put up your own sign”.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious and thought he’d better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..

So he drove out to Farmer John’s house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign:

NUDIST COLONY: Slow down and watch out for chicks!

Wine Taster

A wine merchants the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. An old man who was drunk, with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable”. “That’s correct” said the boss.

Another glass… “It’s a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results”. “Correct”.

A third glass… “It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive” calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant… and if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father.

Bank Robbery

On Friday, A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber’s face. Without a moment’s hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot and killed her also.

Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled “Well, did anyone else see my face?”

There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said “My wife got a pretty good look at you!!”

Inflamed Appendix Joke

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

 

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

 

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

 

Taped firmly across his pub ic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily – if at all.

 

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence “Get well soon, from the nurse in the Silver Magna you pulled over last week

A Lesson For Life

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
“Hey old man, have you ever danced?”

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance … never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said, “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No sir … but… I’ve always wanted to.”
There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.

Don’t waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.

Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

Don’t mess with old folks, they didn’t get old by being stupid.

The Real Laws of Nature

…Here are the REAL LAWS

1.Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity:
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Supermarket Law:
As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces:
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance:
If the clothes fit, they’re ugly..

17.Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors’ Law:
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better… But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.

Previous Posts