Some funny aphorisms

Aphorism = “A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or a general truth”

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don’t have a sense of humour you probably don’t have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m – for example, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

14. I’ve reached the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print – there’s no way you’re going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can’t buy happiness but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford.

19. After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you’re probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don’t mind and the ones that mind don’t matter.

21. Life isn’t tied with a bow but it’s still a gift.

And REMEMBER….

“POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON”

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her
neighbours’ male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large
house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she
was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed
downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to
disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it
was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having
explained the problem to him, the vet said,

“Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call
you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection
and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“It just worked for me!,” he replied.

Perks of reaching 50

At the root of every grey hair, there is a dead brain cell.

Someone had to remind me,
So I’m reminding you, too.
Don’t laugh…. It is all true!

Perks of reaching 50
Or being over 60
And heading towards
70 or beyond!

1.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3.
No one expects you to run — anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,
‘Did I wake you?’

5.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7.
Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8.
You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9..
You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13.
You sing along with elevator music.

14.
Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

19.
You can’t remember who sent you this list.

Forward this to everyone you can remember
Right now!

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

Never, NEVER, NEVER ,
Under any circumstances,
Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!

“Good friends are like stars…You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there.

Just thinking about you!!

The Doberman and the Panther

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost.

Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.

So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says …….

“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

Moral of this story…

Don’t mess with the old dogs…

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Edna’s Letter To God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope…
Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna.

Conclusion Jumping

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

“I love you!” she said, and then she got all excited, she quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever….

Which is odd, because she’s never shown an interest in darts

The Family Christmas Newsletter Template

It’s a tradition some people love, and even more people hate: the form letter enclosed in a Xmas card. If you’d been thinking of retaliating with your own letter, we’ve developed a template to help get you started. It’s even in Comic Sans to cause maximum grief to those receiving it.

You can download a PDF version at the bottom of this post, but here’s what it looks like:

THE_FAMILY_XMAS_NEWSLETTER_TEMPLATE_IN_COMIC_SANS_pdf__page_1_of_2_

THE_FAMILY_XMAS_NEWSLETTER_TEMPLATE_IN_COMIC_SANS_pdf__page_2_of_2_

Click here to download a PDF version. Feel free to post your versions in comments, we’d love to see them.

Chicken Farmer

Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer John called the local police station to complain “You’ve got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens” he said to the local police officer.

“What do you want me to do?” asked the policeman.

“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said “You’ve still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster!”

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said “Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?”

In order to get Farmer John off his back said “Sure. Put up your own sign”.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious and thought he’d better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..

So he drove out to Farmer John’s house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign:

NUDIST COLONY: Slow down and watch out for chicks!

Wine Taster

A wine merchants the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. An old man who was drunk, with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable”. “That’s correct” said the boss.

Another glass… “It’s a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results”. “Correct”.

A third glass… “It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive” calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant… and if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father.

Bank Robbery

On Friday, A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber’s face. Without a moment’s hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot and killed her also.

Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled “Well, did anyone else see my face?”

There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said “My wife got a pretty good look at you!!”

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