EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’

‘How much do you charge?’

‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the shrink. ‘I’ll think about it,’ I said.

Six months later the shrink met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car.

‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed!

“Why are you crying Fred?” asked the teacher.

“Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in laundry detergent…”

“Fred” said the teacher. “You must have known that detergent is bad for parrots…?”

“Oh it wasn’t the detergent that killed it, sir. It was the tumble drier”.

—

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?” the manager asked.

“That’s the one!”

“That’s great!” the manager cried “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”

“Oh…” the clerk replied “after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me”.

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does.

But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the pooch.

“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks.

“‘Here, boy,'” he replies.