The Shoe Box

 A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. 
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little 
old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had 
cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. 
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but 
one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said 
she would not recover. 

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took 
down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. 
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was 
in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted 
dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. 

He asked her about the contents. ‘When we were to be 
married,’ she said, ‘ my grandmother told me the secret of a happy 
marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry 
with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.’ 
  
  
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back 
tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry 
with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost 
burst with happiness. ‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, 
but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’ 

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’ 
  
A Prayer……. 
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; 
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods; 
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, 
I’ll beat him to death, because I don’t know how to crochet.
 

Having trouble paying the bills ??

Then try this one out.

This letter was received by a retail store in South Africa.

It starts with acknowledging the debt and an intention to pay then “I would like to bring to your attention that you are not my only creditor. I have many more as important creditor’s as you, and whom I wish to pay too. That is why, each month I throw all the names
into a hat and draw one randomly.

The one drawn is paid immediately. I hope that yours will come out shortly!

Sincerely….

PS. I regret to inform you that given the harsh and threatening tone of your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next
three draws”.

Best PMS Question Ever

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light
bulb?




Woman’s Answer:

One!
ONLY  ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because  no one else in this  fuck’n house knows HOW to change a fuck’n light  bulb! They don’t even know that the fuck’n bulb is BURNED OUT!!  They would sit in the dark for THREE fuck’n DAYS before they figured it  out.
And,  once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the god damned  light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the  past 17 YEARS!
But  if they did, by some miracle of God,
actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the  fuck’n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb  would
STILL BE  IN THE SAME fuck’n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE  WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO FUCKER  EVER
PICKS  UP OR CARRIES
OUT  THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL  SUFFOCATED
FROM  THE FUCK’N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE  FUCK’N HOUSE!!

IT  WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!
AND DON’T  EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE  FUCK’N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!


I’m  sorry.
What was the  question?

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES!

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop. 

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. 

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you’ll be afraid to cough. 

You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD -40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape. 

If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

5 Reasons Why It Stinks Being an Egg

1) You only get laid once. 

2) You only get eaten once. 

3) It takes you seven minutes to get hard. 

4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys. 

5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.

Cup of tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. 

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. 

Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. 

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water.   

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. 

Then she says, (as only a mother would know… 🙂

‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet’?

Black success

The most powerful politician in the world is black. 
The best golfer in the world is black. The fastest 
racing driver in the world is black… 

Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.

Crocodile Shoes …

A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin, Australia. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the ‘no haggle on price’ attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, ‘Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free’

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, ‘Little lady, just go and give it a try’!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the croc onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out…….

 

‘SH!T, SH!T, SH!T, THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO’!

This will make you laugh

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. 

(Hardly seems worth it.) 

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. 

(Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. 

(O.M.G.!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) 

(I’m still not over the pig. )

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour 

(Don’t try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. 

(Honey, I’m home.. What the..?!) 

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. 

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?) 

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. 

(Something I always wanted to know..)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm……)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. 

( If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains 

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. 

(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle. 

In other words, send it to everyone

 

(and God love that pig) 

Seven top idiots of 2008

Number One Idiot of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away. 

Here’s your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Number Two Idiot of 2008 

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. 

Here’s your sign, guys. Don’t get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Number Three Idiot of 2008

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, ‘Put all your muny in this bag.’ While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Far go deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, ‘OK’ and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. 

Don’t bother with this guy’s sign. He probably couldn’t read it anyway. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Number Four Idiot of 2008 

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, ‘Because I don’t believe you are over 21.’ The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn’t believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Idiot Number Five of 2008 

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, ‘Nobody move!’ When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. 

This guy doesn’t even deserve a sign 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2008

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.

So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Idiot Number Seven of 2008 

I live in a semi-rural area (Weyauwega, Wisconsin). We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! – I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

STAY ALERT! They walk among us… and they REPRODUCE…!!!


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