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The Value of a  Drink

January 14, 2009 by Leave a Comment

‘Sometimes  when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel  ashamed.   Then  I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and  all of their hopes
and dreams … If  I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams  would be shattered.  
Then I say to  myself, ‘It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come  true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’
~ Jack  Handy

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell  
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are  tougher,   smarter, faster  and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.’
~  Henny Youngman

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH  you.
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’24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?   I  think not.’
~ Stephen Wright  

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can  sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep.  When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to  heaven. So, let’s all
get drunk and go to heaven!’
~ Brian  O’Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

‘Beer  is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.’
~ Benjamin  Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘Without  question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel  does
not go nearly as well with pizza.’
~ Dave Barry  

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and  over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a  can!
~ Dave  Howell

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse  with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff  Clavin, of  Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the  BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it  went:
‘Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of  buffalo can  only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when   the  herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest  ones at  the back that are killed first This natural selection  is good  for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole  group keeps improving by the regular  killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can  only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of  alcohol, as we know,  kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain  cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the  weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.’  

WARNING:  The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

29 lines to make you smile for today

January 12, 2009 by Leave a Comment

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries WithThat?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, General humor

Environmentalism gone too far?

January 11, 2009 by Leave a Comment

A woman from Hobart, who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near the Franklin dam,   There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. 

She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree.  As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl.  It attacked her!  In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground.  The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch. 

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away in Launceston.  She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters.  The doctor listened to her story with great patience.  He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help.  The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. 

The angry woman demanded, ‘What took you so long?’ He smiled and said, ‘Well, I had to get permits from National Parks and Wildlife.. the National Forestry Agency and Tasmanian Workcover before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.  I’m sorry, but they turned me down.’

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Geographic

Gotta pee

December 31, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. 

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. 

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. 

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. 

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. 

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. 

The next day one of the women’s husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, ‘These girl nights out have got to stop!  I’m starting to suspect the worst… My wife came home with no panties!!’  

‘That’s nothing,’ said the other husband,  ‘Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said…… 

‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you!’ 


Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Sex

Women win

December 28, 2008 by Leave a Comment

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST 

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. 

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. 

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. 

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. 

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. 

Keep reading-they get better!!! 

————————————————————————

WOMEN’S REVENGE 

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. 

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 

‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked. 

‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, 

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’ 

————————————————————————

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN 

(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE) 

I know I’m not going to understand women. 

I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, 

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, 

and still be afraid of a spider. 

————————————————————————

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. 

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. 

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. 

She directs him down the correct aisle. 

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. 

She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? 

He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store 

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco 

and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper. 

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ……….. so does she. 

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) 

————————————————————————

WIFE VS. HUSBAND 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. 

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and 

neither of them wanted to concede their position. 

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, 

the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’ 

‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’ 

————————————————————————

WORDS 

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.. 

30,000 to a man’s 15,000. 

The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men… 

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’ 

————————————————————————

CREATION 

A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be 

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 

‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. 

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; 

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! 

————————————————————————

WHO DOES WHAT 

A man and his wife were having an argument about who 

should brew the coffee each morning. 

The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, 

and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee. 

The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and 

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’ 

Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’ 

Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’ 

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .. ‘HEBREWS’ 

————————————————————————

The Silent Treatment 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home 

and were giving each other the silent treatment. 

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him 

at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 

‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it. 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, 

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. 

The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’ 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 

————————————————————————

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a  rough draft before the masterpiece 

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, The Gender Wars

I think you’re the father of one of my kids

December 27, 2008 by Leave a Comment

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, ‘Do you know me?’

To which she replies, ‘I think that you’re the father of one of my kids.’

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

‘My God, are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?’ 

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No…. I’m your son’s teacher’.
 

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Sex

Letter To God

December 26, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted: ‘Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.’

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Barry’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did. Barry’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Barry.

Barry knew this wasn’t true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Your friend,

Barry.

Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Barry’s mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. ‘Just be home in time for dinner,’ his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I’VE GOT YOUR MUM.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE!!

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Kids, Religion, Virtual Worlds

The Husband Store

December 24, 2008 by Leave a Comment

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, The Gender Wars

Squirming at the back of the class

December 23, 2008 by Leave a Comment

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

“I thought I told you to call your mom!” she said. “I did,” he said, “And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.”

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Kids

Little Johnny

December 22, 2008 by Leave a Comment

Little Johnny is a nasty little boy, you can never trust him on what his little dirty mind thinks.

Teacher: Johnny, if you answer this math problem correctly, I will give you extra credit.

Little Johnny: OK teacher

Teacher: Johnny, there is a hunter walking in the woods and comes across a telephone line with three little birdies on it…The hunter aims and shoots one of the little birdies……. how many are left…..?

Little johnny: None!

Teacher: Now johnny, the hunter saw three little birdies on the telephone wire and shot only one of them, now how many are left??

Little Johnny: None!

Teacher: Johnny, how can you come up with that answer?? Explain.

Little Johnny: Well….the hunter saw the three little birdies on the telephone wire, and shot one of them, but the other two birdies flew away because of the noise the gun made.

Teacher: Well Johnny, that is not quite the answer that I had in mind…..but I like the way you think.

Little Johnny: Well teacher I have a problem for you too.

Teacher (thinking ….I wonder what little Johnny will come up with ?)and responds by saying: OK tell me.

Little Johnny: Well, there are three teachers sitting on a park bench. They all have lolly pops in their hands. One is licking it, one is biting it, the other one is sucking on it…………which one was married??

Teacher (upset with this…red in the face states): ………ah….. er….. the one licking it.

Little Johnny: No! No! No!……the one with the wedding ring on her finger…………but I like the way you think!

Filed Under: Email Joke Graveyard, Sex

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