The Mom Test

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

‘Why?’ my daughter asked.

‘Because it’s been on the ground; you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,’ I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,’ Mom, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.’

I was thinking quickly and replied, ‘All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mom.’

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

‘Oh…..I get it!’ she beamed, ‘So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the dad.’

‘Exactly,’ I replied with a big smile on my face.

Golfer at the Dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office.

The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have two friends sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so
forget about the anaesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee off time and it’s 9:30 already… I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!’

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”

So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it?”

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Darling, and show him..”

The Biker and the Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded over above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Lord, build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

God replied, “Your request is very materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the resources it would consume; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “God, I wish that I – and all men – could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside; what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment; why she cries when she says nothing’s wrong; why she snaps and complains when I try to help; and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

God was silent for a moment and then replied: “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

‘I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,’ he said as he surveyed the worried faces. ‘The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.’

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, ‘How much will a brain cost?’

The doctor quickly responded, ‘$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.’
The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to’try’ to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.
A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, ‘Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?’

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, ‘It’s just standard pricing procedure.
We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they’ve been used.’

A few non-PC jokes

I’ve just come out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’ I told him ‘I wish I had your fucking will power’

A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q, manager says ‘would you like a screw for that mirror’ No she said ‘but I’d suck your cock for a lawn mower’.

Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it’s so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it’s not necessarily an invitation to casual sex…………Wish me luck I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ‘ finish off on her face ‘ didn’t mean ‘ What I thought it did ‘

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ‘ sorry about the wait ‘ I said ‘ don’t worry fatty, you’ll lose it eventually ‘

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets & says ‘ if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ‘ if you can guess how many are in there you can have both of them ‘…………….Murphy says ‘Four!’

Marriage counsellor to couple. ‘ Tell me something both of you have in common ‘ Husband after a long awkward silence ‘ Well neither of us sucks cock ‘

Snow eh! The weather girl just said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ‘ she’ll be fucking lucky with a face like that!’

I have a new chat up line that works every time. it doesn’t matter how gorgeous and out of my league they are, it’s a winner & I always end up in bed with them…………… ‘ Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?’

PMS

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

A crazy bitch who will find you.

Touching love story

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?”

She replied, “A can of peaches.”

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.

And my husband wont give me extra money.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied,

“6.”

The judge said, “Then I will give you 6 days in jail.”

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband said, “She also stole a packet of hundreds and thousands”

Wine for husband

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What in bag?” asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

“Good trade…..”

The first blonde guy joke?

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke…… And well worth the wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, ‘Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.’

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ‘Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.’

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ‘ Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too..’

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, ‘If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!’

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.’

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, ‘Don’t look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.’

Bottle of wine

Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but
amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers.

The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must
be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the
rest of our days.’

Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you’re still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to
drive.’

The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the
bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the
man.

The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’

The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…’

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don’t mess with them.

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