Old Rev Head

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left.

“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this,” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.

Getting To The End

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ……. back and forth ….. back and forth ….. in and out ….. in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding … her face was flushed … then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

“OK, OK! I can’t park the bloody car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!”

Under The Covers

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?’ To which he responded: ‘I found the remote.’

Bottle of Wine

A Man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman who is seated over there’….. and indicated the sender with a nod of his head

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman

The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’..

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady

It read:
‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..

Friday Phunnies

 

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?’

Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’

Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’

Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’

‘It is!’

‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’

‘I can!’ 

‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’

‘I do!’

‘Is he a member of your congregation?’

‘He is!’

‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’

‘He will.’

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had se x with each of them three times.’

Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’

Man: ‘What sins?’

Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’

Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’

Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’

Man: ‘I’m 92 years old . . . . I’m telling everybody!’

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

‘I’m 90 years old,’ he says.

’90?’ replies the woman. ‘Don’t you realize you’ve had it?’

‘Oh, sorry,’ says the old man. ‘How much do I owe you?’

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, ‘Doc, I think I’m getting senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.’ ‘That’s not senility,’ replied the doctor. ‘Senility is when you forget to zip down.’

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. ‘Who are you?’ he asked him.

‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator. 
 ‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.

‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.

‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards! ‘

Marriage Humour 

Wife:        ‘What are you doing?’

Husband:    Nothing.

Wife: 
       ‘Nothing . . . ?  You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’

Husband: 
  ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’

——————————-

Wife 
:       ‘Do you want dinner?’

Husband: 
    ‘Sure! What are my choices?’

Wife:      ‘Yes or no.’

——————————————————–
Stress Reliever

Girl:     ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’

Boy: 
    ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’

Girl: 
    ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’

——————————
Son:     ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’

Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’

Son:     ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’

‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’

————————————————————

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’

Husbands are husbands 

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied , ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’. The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’ The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’

Sexy Parking

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ……. back and forth ….. back and forth ….. in and out ….. in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding … her face was flushed … then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
“OK, OK! I can’t park the bloody car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!”

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

‘Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ‘stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.’

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, ‘I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.’ Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. ‘Peg, what’s for dinner?’

(I just love this)??

‘For F*-#?? sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!’

Funeral Respect

My friend Dave and I were stumbling out of the pub this afternoon when we saw a long line of cars obviously going to a funeral.

He lowered his head and said a prayer.

“Wow, Dave. That was pretty deep.” I said.

“It’s the least I could do,” he replied,
“We were fucking married for 17 years.”

Poker Buddies

Six retired Italian guys were playing poker in their Florida condo clubhouse when Guido
loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna’ tell his wife?”

They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.
“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name.
Leave it to me!”

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido’s condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Pasquale declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.

“I’ll go tell him.” says Pasquale.

The Funny Side of Marriage

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.
__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’
‘Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’

__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

A little boy asked his father,
‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’
Father replied, ‘I don’t know son, I’m still paying.’

__________

A young son asked,
‘Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’
Dad replied, ‘That happens in every country, son.’

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.

__________

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

__________

First guy says, ‘My wife’s an angel!’
Second guy remarks, ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
__________

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