Archives for June 2014

The Caring Grandfather

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long . . .. Easy boy.”

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy”

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool William.”

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William . . . The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”

Stop Laughing, We Are All Seniors

Garage Door. The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing
his zipper was20 down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’ The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door
was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?’

She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years
old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I t hink I just wet my pants.’

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Do I know her?’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’

A man was telling his neighbour, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbour . ‘What kind is it?’
‘ Twelve thirty..’

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

One more. . …!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

Review: The Jet Lag Monologues

the_jet_lag_monologuesInnovation in live theatre is about as common as spontaneity in parliamentary oratory, so I’m pleased to report that The Jet Lag Monologues is an uncommon beast indeed. Sure, four blokes behind microphones reading excerpts from Bob Carrs’s Diary of a Foreign Minister doesn’t scream ingenuity, but it was the fusion of fresh material, minimal rehearsal and four striking voices that make it eighty plus minutes of substantive entertainment.

The four performers (Bob Carr, Bob Ellis, Terry Clarke and Jonathan Biggins) manage to create a believable conglomeration of Carr’s narration in the book – no mean feat given Carr himself is one of the ensemble. Biggins’ Keating deserves its own show, the single sentence delivered in his voice providing one of the night’s most humourous moments. His Rudd impression was more than respectable as well – perhaps a Rudd / Keating one-man show should be in the offing? Clarke’s understated but emphatic delivery provided some welcome shade in parts, and Ellis’ Kissinger was very well received. Carr’s work achieved its expected qualities: sonorous and authoritative, with some wry humour injected at key junctures. If I were to find fault at all, it would be that some of the representations of Carr interlocutors from Indonesia, China, the US and Europe teetered on the edge of stereotype at times, but I believe they managed to avoid falling completely into that trap.

Bob Ellis’ curation of key passages into an engaging narrative deserves praise, something Carr himself was effusive with at the conclusion of the night. Diary of a Foreign Minister provides some wide-ranging material that could be difficult to wrangle, but Ellis has managed to create a coherent narrative that entertains throughout. The relationship with the United States, the dinners and Bohemian Grove retreat with Henry Kissinger, the showdown with Julia Gillard over Palestine and the finality of death are all interwoven effectively. It is also worth noting that the audience wasn’t uniform in its response to some of the perspectives presented, which in itself lends weight to the quality of the material’s presentation. There were intermittent mumblings I took to be disagreements with assertions made, and one passionate Gillard supporter made her feelings very clearly known after the show had concluded, shouting her displeasure at Carr’s decision to back Kevin Rudd in the 2013 leadership ballot. That aside, the level of engagement with the material was very high, and the standing ovation from half those present gave an indication to the majority’s appreciation.

The Jet Lag Monologues on its first outing should be deemed a success, and I’d be surprised if there aren’t encore performances. Its uniqueness is in its disinterest in everything but providing a respectable but humorously outfitted vehicle from which to view Bob Carr’s ride through what is likely the most memorable eighteen months of his life. If you enjoy political biography, humorous interplay between four experienced orators, less than stellar but effective singing in well judged moments and a healthy dose of literary and philosophical references, then start lobbying for a further staging.

A New Model For Online Journalism: Nanotransactions

For those who write for online publications, the issue of payment and financial viability of online publications is one that’s not going to go away in a hurry. One Australian journalist has developed a great idea to potentially solve the issue, and both publishers and writers bear the fruit.

Here’s the overview:

As both a publisher and freelance writer for a range of print and online publications, this model makes huge sense to me. As a reader, it also finds a nice balance between a desire to pay for content and being able to afford to pay for it. The option to receive payments for republishing content is probably the most interesting part of the whole model and would solve another longstanding issue.

The team at Nanotransactions are looking for funding, so go have a look in more detail at what they’re offering.

What’s your take?

Fans Annoyed At Wait For Game of Thrones Season 5


Fans of what is arguably the world’s most popular TV show are getting increasingly frustrated at the delays in the screening of Series 5 of Game of Thrones.

Senior Business Analyst Miles Hawthorn was scathing.

“The show’s producers spend so much time hyping each series when they could be getting the damn shows out there for us to enjoy, as is our right. It’s like the actors prefer pimping themselves out at comic conventions rather than getting their butts onto the set.”

Series 4, which concluded this week, saw some key characters die and the story change tack yet again, but it’s all too little for Haberdashery Quality Manager Sheree Markham.

“If D-Day could be launched in one morning, why the hell are we waiting more than a few days between series? The writers seem to take longer than Tywin Lannister in the bathroom – it’s a farce.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Grandad and the Australian Taxation Office

The ATO decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandad showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the ATO finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandad. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandad says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad’s lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandad asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandad’s own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the lawyer. ‘This morning, when Grandad told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

Don’t Mess with Old People

Ten Great Game Of Thrones Theme Covers

With Season 4 wrapping up, I thought it was worth highlighting a few great cover versions of the Game of Thrones Theme. Enjoy!

This one is so close to the original you’d be hard pushed to tell the difference during the first minute or so, then it branches off into something pretty amazing:

This one puts a brilliant jazz / dixieland flavour into it:

If too many trombones are never enough, you’ll be drooling over this version:

In the mood for some smooth jazz?

Am I the only one that wants to raid my own kitchen to do something similar to this piece of brilliance?

A Capella anyone?

How about a second helping, this time with some humour:

The Peter Dinklage version:

Of course there had to be a Game of Thrones metal cover:

And finally, the 1980s remix:

Restaurant Owner Concerned Over Palmer-Driven Surge In Custom


Canberra may not be known first and foremost for its cuisine, but it has a proud culinary culture. One eatery is less than thrilled with the surge in business driven by Clive Palmer’s ongoing negotiations with the major parties and other Senate cross-benchers. Dim Sim Jim’s is owned by Reg Brown, a former shearer’s cook and local personality. It has been operating out of Belconnen for more than twenty years, and in recent times has become a hive of politician activity.

“Usually our local member doesn’t come near Belconnen, let alone the big bods, but it seems the heat’s gotten too much in Civic and they’re heading out here for their dinner conversations,” Mr Brown stated.

Droves of pollies are burning a path to Belconnen, Dim Sim capital of the ACT

Droves of pollies are burning a path to Belconnen, Dim Sim capital of the ACT

Over the past couple of parliamentary sittings, an influx of power-brokers and staffers has stretched the resources of the small restaurant with its eclectic menu of pasta, pizza and six varieties of dim sims.

“It’s not just about Clive Palmer turning up in his Rolls. There’s the trailer he tows with his staff and the security guards we have to employ to keep the locals away from his car. Add in a Minister or Government Senator and it just gets ridiculous.”

Jim Brown is using the extra attention to lead a campaign for more infrastructure funding for the restaurant precinct in Belconnen.

“If we’re going to have all the knobs coming out here on a regular basis, they should make sure we have a bit more money to cope with them. Otherwise they can truly slum it and go to Dickson or Ainslie,” Mr Brown concluded.

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders


‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’

‘How much do you charge?’

‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the shrink. ‘I’ll think about it,’ I said.

Six months later the shrink met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car.

‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed!

Pub Offers Kids Meal Without Chips


In what is believed to be a first, a pub has offered a meal for kids that doesn’t contain chips.

In direct contravention of the guidelines developed by the World Pub Food Governance Authority, hotelier Frank Dixon is offering a small portion of Chicken Caesar Salad on his pub’s menu for kids.

“We thought it’d be something different to offer a meal that wasn’t chicken schnitzel and chips, spaghetti bolognese and chips or fish and chips.”

chicken-chipsWhen asked of the reaction to the menu addition, Dixon was ambivalent.

“The punters seem to appreciate the option, with at least one in fifty ordering it. It’s the death threats from the other local pubs that I didn’t fully expect.”

Dixon’s anger at his competitors is based on the perception of self-interest.

“They’re all bloody hypocrites – Jimmy Wallace over at The Royal offers grilled chicken and sweet potato wedges. He claims it’s within the guidelines for chicken and chips but he knows he’s in the wrong.”

The Snark is The Creative Shed’s Satire News Section. 100% of it is satire and in no way resembles reality. Reality is way sillier than this stuff. Follow The Snark on Facebook and Twitter

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